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Kemi0822
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Member Since: Aug 2020
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3 yr Member
Default Aug 12, 2020 at 10:15 AM
  #1
Hello,

I'm a new member to the forum. I wanted to reach out for support from others who have experience the breakup of a marriage. My one-year wedding anniversary is in 10 days and my husband has ghosted me now for the past 10 days. I don't know what I did to him (according to me nothing). He refuses to take my calls or communicate with me in any way. This is the most hurtful thing I believe I have ever experienced in a relationship because I married with the intent of being happy and being together til death do us part. I just don't understand how someone can say they love so very much and then just get up and walk away. During the last conversation we had, we were in disagreement because I was telling him how much I miss us, and the time we used to be able to spend together. I don't have the evidence to prove it but I strongly believe he's seeing someone else. And as painful as this is, I just wish he'd talk to me and allow us to get the closure I need so that we can both just move on with our lives. Because he refuses to talk to me I don't know if the marriage is officially over or what. I keep thinking that based on his actions of totally ignoring me that the marriage is over. I reached out to his best friend to see if he could get my husband to call me and now even the best friend is ignoring me. I just feel so very hurt because I know I didn't do anything wrong. The incident that led up to this entire ordeal I believe is because a family member of my husband's told me that my husband was seeing someone else, so I confronted my husband about the issue and he denied it. I accepted my husband's answer and kept moving forward with our marriage but ever since this revelation was revealed to me my husband has not been the same, and so he eventually just stopped talking to me. What I'm seeking right now is HOW do I stop the heartache, pain and tears I feel? I just want to know how to go through the pain, not suppress it but honestly heal from it? I don't want to think about divorcing just now because I feel I need to heal this massive pain I feel inside before I take the next step. It's getting harder and harder for me focus on work, eat, sleep and resist the urge to keep calling him when he continues to NOT take my phone calls. If he was just my boyfriend I feel it would be easier but this is my husband, someone I took a vow of commitment with. How do I move forward and make the pain stop long enough for me to truly start healing?
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susalie
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Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: eastern shore md
Posts: 34
3 yr Member
Default Aug 13, 2020 at 10:41 AM
  #2
Oh Kemi0822. I feel for you. I really do. I'm 63 and wanted what my parents and grandparents had. A marriage till death do I part. But I didn't get it. One live in boyfriend for 10 yrs. and no marriage in sight. Married twice. It's hard and I learned from my past. Please don't call or text anymore. Let the husband call you. Life sucks right now... I was exactly like you but please go on with your life. It's a new journey. HUGS
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Thanks for this!
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Have Hope
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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 11:08 AM
  #3
I'm so sorry for your pain. Ghosting is one of the most painful things a partner can do to someone, along with seeing someone else behind your back.

I am curious to know: how is it that your husband can ghost you, if you are married and presumably living together? Were you living apart? Was he traveling or out of town for the last 10 days?

I have not been through this experience personally, but I have had a lot of relationships and painful breakups, and I have been ghosted before.

What I can say to you is that it is hardest to heal when the other will not allow for closure and when the other refuses to talk to you. I'm afraid that until you receive some sort of communication from him, that it may be difficult to heal quickly.

On the flip side, what MAY help is to know that this action on the part of your husband is MOST cruel. And if he was seeing someone or is with someone else, that is double the injury. He may have presented himself differently in the beginning, but this shows true colors and his true character, which is VERY weak and MOST cruel. The HONORABLE thing to have done is to exit the marriage BEFORE he decided to be with someone else. He did not have enough respect or honor to do even that. He is a COWARD.

So know in your heart and mind that you deserved communication from him, and you did not deserve to be cheated on. You deserve an explanation. You did not deserve cruelty.

So if you continue to not hear from him, perhaps you will need to find your own closure somehow. And perhaps that closure can be a conclusion about this person's poor character. In my opinion, he doesn't deserve your love, your devotion, or YOU. Someone who has it within them to be so coldhearted is not the person for you.

So know this.

And I know that you say you cannot think of divorce, but if it were me, I would turn my back on this man, file for divorce immediately and not think twice. This is not a good sign for a happy marriage within one year of marriage, and even if he does come back to you again.

Hugs and strength to you.

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quietlylost
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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 11:35 AM
  #4
There's no one clear path to recovery. The dissolution of a marriage and the heartbreak that it entails can be a long-lasting process. It can take months or years to start to work through and heal from the trauma. Divorce is a type of trauma. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Get help from a professional to navigate the grief and help actualize the loss. Reflect on the positives and the negatives of the relationship. Look inward and find what you want and what you need in your life going forward. Find ways to build yourself up again as an individual, and find ways to make yourself happy.

It's not an easy process. And there is no timeline. It will hurt. And it will hurt for a while, most likely. And just when you think the hurt is under control, it may sneak up again once in a while. That is the nature of loss. You can survive it, though. Especially if you are honest, open, and seek assistance as you work through this going ahead.
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sarahsweets
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Default Aug 14, 2020 at 03:42 AM
  #5
How long did you date? Did you ever have issues that were like this? How have you handled disagreements with each other in the past? IMO this is inexcusable. And I believe he is cheating otherwise he wouldnt have stopped talking to you after you confronted him. And this family member, what proof did they have? Were they just trying to stir the pot?

I think you should assume its over. I think you need a lawyer asap. I think you need to take money out of the bank, lock up important documents and items. Once you have guidance from a lawyer, text him that you have seen a lawyer and that further communication should be with the lawyer. Or you can say you had a free consult and are considering filing. If none of that snaps him out of it move forward. At this point its not about saving the marriage. If that happens it happens. But this abrupt change means you need to protect yourself. If he can be that callous and mean to stop talking to you he will have no problem screwing you over financially.

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Mimi81
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 07:13 AM
  #6
Hi Kemi,

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. But the truth is he cant face his own demons and instead is making you feel like you did something wrong. Classic Narcissistic behavior. Most importantly you need to remember that his behavior is not about you. You need to be strong and think about what will happen if you do get divorced. Will you be stable financially without him?

You need to be selfish and think about yourself at this time.

In my culture at this point a family meeting would be called to try resolve the issues. Its hard to think of an end but unless he is willing to talk to you and work things out it will be necessary.

And please do remember that the end of a marriage is not the end of Life. Its just a new beginning.
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tri2thrive
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 08:37 AM
  #7
I agree with what everyone is saying. First of all, ghosting is childish, cruel and for lack of a better word, stupid. Please do not spend a minute thinking about what "you did or did not do". Nothing you could possibly have done deserves ghosting from a man that committed to you less than a year ago. Secondly, I think you need to get a tribe in place, and take back your life. There are times to sit and cry and there are times to stomp your foot and refuse to be treated poorly. This is one of those times - there will be time to cry and grieve later.

Here are some things that I suggest.
- contact a lawyer for a consultation, or if that's out of your budget, go online and look at the laws in your state. Really you should look at a separation agreement immediately.
- sit down and do a day by day log of what has happened - include all of your texts, and attempts to reach him. Keep this up to date as you go through this.
- is there anything that you have access to - cell bills maybe? Pull whatever you can.
- if you do not own your house - pack his stuff and move it to a storage unit. Ask the landlord to change the locks.
- if you do own your house (this is more complicated because if his name is on the deed, etc) - pack his stuff and stick it in the garage/basement, etc.
- If for some reason, your name isn't on the lease or the house - you could just pack yourself and leave.
- Start looking at what it means to break your lease/sell the house and look for another place.
- open your own checking account if you don't have one and transfer at least some of the money. Make sure you change your direct deposit for your paycheck to go to this account (immediately) This is not to "steal" money from him - technically the money is both of yours under the law so in the divorce that will need to be settled - but if he is showing that little respect I'd be a little concerned that he could run off with money and leave you to pay the bills with nothing. (unless he pays the bills and then there's a whole other list of questions)
- Review all credit card statements and if you can, put a hold on them.
- you need to drive the bus now - divorce is inevitable and if I were you - I'd try to get that process started so you have control. He can't be trusted.

And IF by some chance, he comes back and you feel you have to give him a 2nd chance - showing him that you will take control and pull out if he doesn't respect you is not a bad thing. I honestly don't think that is the wisest decision but I am trying to do a 360 degree look at what thoughts are in your head...

None of this will help your heal, incidentally, but right now you need to be concerned more about your well being. Protecting yourself so that down the line you CAN heal. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh - but it is deeply concerning to me that someone would ghost his own wife. If you were my friend IRL, I would be very direct about the need to get out. If he is capable of this - then he could really cause a lot more harm. I don't want to see that happen to you.

Also keep in mind, that you WILL heal and you WILL have a great life.
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