Wife Having an Affair, and My Life is a Mess.

Well, I don't really know where to start so I'll just dive right in with the history (as I know it) of my wife's affair.

About a month ago, I learned that my wife of 3 years (and partner of 11) has been having an affair for about 7 months. For simplicity's sake, Iet's call her 'A'.

'A' didn't confess her infidelity to me; rather, I snooped on her phone after harbouring suspicions for a few weeks. In all our time together that is something I had NEVER done, but I guess my instincts finally got the better of me. And when I checked her message history it was immediately clear what was happening. When I confronted her, she simply confirmed what I already knew.

The affair partner is a friend of her family, and someone A knew as a child. Let's call him TOM (The Other Man.) TOM lives in a city about 6 hours away from us (my wife's original hometown) and they hadn't spoken in around 15 years. About 2 years ago he reached out for help with his new dog, since A is a dog trainer.

At first everything seemed harmless enough. A was open with me about the fact that she was in communication with TOM, and as they talked more and more, she told me that it actually felt quite good to be re-connecting with this person with ties to her past.

I should also mention that A was estranged from her father, who suffered from severe depression, and passed away a few years ago. And TOM was actually the person who took a lot of responsibility for looking after him in the last years of his life.

Anyway, I was never the jealous type, and I trusted A beyond 100% She had always been very judgemental of people who cheat, and had even been comically (and adorably) considerate of my feelings/concerns when she would spend time with male friends. (We were in a long-distance relationship for a number of years, so potentially awkward situations would come up from time to time.)

Nevertheless, as time went on I started to get annoyed with how close she and TOM seemed to be getting. But at the same time I felt it was important to give her the respect to pursue her own friendships. So I expressed my concerns to her, and even refused to meet TOM due to his problematic past. And ultimately that felt pretty healthy to me; A respected how I felt, I respected her right to have male friends (and tried to be extra understanding because of her shared history with TOM) and I even made it clear that I was open to meeting TOM in the future, if I felt he was truly leaving his problematic past behind.

Anyway, in late December A hopped a flight to meet TOM at a middle point between our two cities, and has now admitted to me that they slept together during that meeting.

When I write it out now, it sounds so obvious what was going on. But I thought she was going to spend time with a good friend, and that I was being a chill and supportive husband. I never could have believed she was capable of such a thing.

I also would never have believed that A could cover up such a horrendous betrayal. But that's exactly what happened. She carried on like normal, continued to tell me she loved me, continued to be a wonderful sexual partner, continued to make plans for our future. And all the while her visits with TOM continued, once every couple of months or so. On one visit, TOM stayed the night in our apartment while I moved in with my mother-in-law because I still didn't want to meet him. Another time I drove my wife and I the 6 hours to her old hometown to visit him and her other relatives--and the one and only evening she actually saw him during that 5-day visit, I waited around in our Air BnB...while she went out and ****ed him, then came home and lay down in bed next to me as if everything was OK.

And to top it off, about three months ago I explicitly asked A if there was something going on between her and TOM, and she flat out told me "no." I even felt a bit ridiculous at the time, because I trusted her so completely, and it seemed like she was being open about their relationship; he wasn't a secret, and she would often share messages from him that seemed funny or interesting. Eventually I even asked her to stop sharing so much, because I was getting tired of hearing so many details about TOM's life.

Again, I realise how obvious all this sounds in hindsight. But I thought I knew my wife, and I actually felt rather good that not only had I "put my foot down," but also that she was respecting my ambivalence towards him.

So now here I am. My life is in ruins, as I moved overseas to build a life and a future with A. It was a difficult transition for me with a language barrier to overcome, and my personal struggles to make friends.

In our conversations since D-Day, my wife has suggested that we go to couple's counselling, but has made it clear that she will not leave TOM and only sees therapy as a way to bring our marriage to a healthy end.

Complicating things even further, I have discovered that A has been in a sexting relationship with another man (a former summer fling from a lifetime ago) during her time with TOM. And just to really top things off, it's become obvious that she is also suffering from a recurrence of an eating/obsessive disorder that last reared its ugly head when she was a teenager.

So, for anyone who has read this far, first of all THANK YOU I'll certainly be adding to this thread later with more info, as there's a lot and my current feelings.

There are many more details of course, but I think this is a decent background of how this situation came about.

I think you have your answer. She wont leave the other man and is sexting with another man. I dont see how couples counseling would help unless you have children together. I would get a free consult with a lawyer.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't know how much couple's therapy is going to help, but if it's possible for you to seek treatment with a therapist on your own that may be beneficial to you, and/or a divorce lawyer to give you legal advice since you are not from that country.

I feel cheating is a deal breaker. You deserve at minimum empathy, accountability, and kindness.

Erm, it doesn't sound that obvious to me. You were a supportive partner and trusted her, which showed a healthy relationship. She is the one who betrayed your trust.

How do you feel about going to couples' counselling knowing she won't stay?

I hope you will be able to pick your life back up again. She was never going to be faithful, it seems.