Feeling like I need to divorce

Maybe the 3rd time now, but two have been within the last few months. I'm someone that is unmotivatable, jobless & the thought of working stresses me out & gives me tons of anxiety. Once I'm at a job awhile, it's mostly fine, but getting to that point is terribly difficult. Finding a job & then somewhere cheap, but safe enough to live are the biggest worries. We're both in early thirties, male/female, dated for about 5yrs, married for about 5yrs now.
I also have lots of animals to sell, a few that would make life pointless without. But it's not like they're easy to house nor cheap to care for animals, which just makes it worse.
There's no kids, never will be, so that's a non-issue. I have my own car, no joint bank accounts. I bought all the animals, so their sales would all be mine to start a new life. I have no interest in moving to a new state & I'd most likely end up moving in with my mother, though, she doesn't really have the room.
I have no friends, not his fault, its mine for not working & not trying to make them. Its just a lot of work, mentally that is. I just want to live quietly & happily. Doesn't seem like the states have micro apartments that are cheap, safe & clean like I see other countries have. I don't want to work like a dog just to be able to have a place to sleep & eat.
He's an alcoholic, he let himself go, looks like my dad now & I'm not messed up in the head to want to screw family, so I just can't deal with it. He knows I don't like how he let himself go. He works, has no real hobby or interest in much. We no longer have anything in common that I can recall, he never wants to do anything I like & he has nothing that he wants to do. It's just drinking & video games for him. Cheapest one hundred proof vodka. He bing drinks every day he doesn't work, he'll take off work because of the drinking & may also drink that extra day, too. If he has 2wks off, its 2wks of drinking, fills every chance he gets with it. I can't talk to anyone about his drinking because we live in a world that accepts alcoholism as a non-issue. It infuriates me. I've told him to get help, but he won't. Not for any issue.
I used to drink a lot, too. First because it was fun, but then I realized that I switched to it being a way to cope with his crappy personality & behavior while he drank. Binge drank every night he was off work with him like an idiot, for years. I never drink otherwise, I never buy it, never ask for some. I've been able to go down to drinking a single sip on nights he doesn't work, then take a sleeping pill & head to bed. I don't want to hear nor see him when he's drinking, don't even want to be in the same building.
He's gotten a bit nasty the last couple of years. We don't fight, not in person, but by text. But I'm not the fighting type, so I avoid or try to calm him down. He threatens me with stupid small things, he used to apologize the next day, but I don't remember if he still does. Drinking has screwed up my memory in general. There's been a few times where I was scared of him, I can't really explain what he was doing to cause it. And a couple of times that he drank so much I nearly called an ambulance & once the cops. I really should have, maybe that would of helped wake him up. He did shoot a gun off, drunk, in the house once. It was some years ago now. Downwards, looks to of been drunk idiocy, but still, not okay.
I feel like the only things stopping me are; a job, a safe quiet cheap place to live & dealing with all the animals I must sell. Even if the animals weren't there to deal with, finding a job is so difficult with my anxiety & nervousness. Then I think about how expensive all housing is & it makes me not want to even try.
He doesn't care about his health, appearance or doing anything with me unless it results in sex. He's just focused on that now, slowly turning into a monster & only cares about that one thing. I've lost most interest years ago, simply left the timeframe where I was super sexual & now I have almost no interest at all. Not in him, not in anyone, I just don't want to be bothered with such things. Rarely, I'll be interested, but he's still the same, with nothing ever being good enough. If he gets something one day, he'll obsess over getting more, higher value of the sexual act, for days on end & it seriously puts me off from ever wanting to do anything again. Probably should better explain, if I give him hj or bj, it jumps to sex the next time. Always jumps to sex, & I rather we go back to taking things slow & working our way up to it over time(not in the same day, but each separate act, to work up). I'm odd like that. I've told him about this & other things & he'll give it a halfarsed try & just give up & go back to being a grump.
I wish I would win the lotto, it'd be so easy then.

Any advice or even tips on finding the mythical housing I'm after? Does it seem like I need to jump or keep trying, just in a different way?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostonearth Maybe the 3rd time now, but two have been within the last few months. I'm someone that is unmotivatable, jobless & the thought of working stresses me out & gives me tons of anxiety. Once I'm at a job awhile, it's mostly fine, but getting to that point is terribly difficult. Finding a job & then somewhere cheap, but safe enough to live are the biggest worries. We're both in early thirties, male/female, dated for about 5yrs, married for about 5yrs now. I also have lots of animals to sell, a few that would make life pointless without. But it's not like they're easy to house nor cheap to care for animals, which just makes it worse. There's no kids, never will be, so that's a non-issue. I have my own car, no joint bank accounts. I bought all the animals, so their sales would all be mine to start a new life. I have no interest in moving to a new state & I'd most likely end up moving in with my mother, though, she doesn't really have the room. I have no friends, not his fault, its mine for not working & not trying to make them. Its just a lot of work, mentally that is. I just want to live quietly & happily. Doesn't seem like the states have micro apartments that are cheap, safe & clean like I see other countries have. I don't want to work like a dog just to be able to have a place to sleep & eat. He's an alcoholic, he let himself go, looks like my dad now & I'm not messed up in the head to want to screw family, so I just can't deal with it. He knows I don't like how he let himself go. He works, has no real hobby or interest in much. We no longer have anything in common that I can recall, he never wants to do anything I like & he has nothing that he wants to do. It's just drinking & video games for him. Cheapest one hundred proof vodka. He bing drinks every day he doesn't work, he'll take off work because of the drinking & may also drink that extra day, too. If he has 2wks off, its 2wks of drinking, fills every chance he gets with it. I can't talk to anyone about his drinking because we live in a world that accepts alcoholism as a non-issue. It infuriates me. I've told him to get help, but he won't. Not for any issue. I used to drink a lot, too. First because it was fun, but then I realized that I switched to it being a way to cope with his crappy personality & behavior while he drank. Binge drank every night he was off work with him like an idiot, for years. I never drink otherwise, I never buy it, never ask for some. I've been able to go down to drinking a single sip on nights he doesn't work, then take a sleeping pill & head to bed. I don't want to hear nor see him when he's drinking, don't even want to be in the same building. He's gotten a bit nasty the last couple of years. We don't fight, not in person, but by text. But I'm not the fighting type, so I avoid or try to calm him down. He threatens me with stupid small things, he used to apologize the next day, but I don't remember if he still does. Drinking has screwed up my memory in general. There's been a few times where I was scared of him, I can't really explain what he was doing to cause it. And a couple of times that he drank so much I nearly called an ambulance & once the cops. I really should have, maybe that would of helped wake him up. He did shoot a gun off, drunk, in the house once. It was some years ago now. Downwards, looks to of been drunk idiocy, but still, not okay. I feel like the only things stopping me are; a job, a safe quiet cheap place to live & dealing with all the animals I must sell. Even if the animals weren't there to deal with, finding a job is so difficult with my anxiety & nervousness. Then I think about how expensive all housing is & it makes me not want to even try. He doesn't care about his health, appearance or doing anything with me unless it results in sex. He's just focused on that now, slowly turning into a monster & only cares about that one thing. I've lost most interest years ago, simply left the timeframe where I was super sexual & now I have almost no interest at all. Not in him, not in anyone, I just don't want to be bothered with such things. Rarely, I'll be interested, but he's still the same, with nothing ever being good enough. If he gets something one day, he'll obsess over getting more, higher value of the sexual act, for days on end & it seriously puts me off from ever wanting to do anything again. Probably should better explain, if I give him hj or bj, it jumps to sex the next time. Always jumps to sex, & I rather we go back to taking things slow & working our way up to it over time(not in the same day, but each separate act, to work up). I'm odd like that. I've told him about this & other things & he'll give it a halfarsed try & just give up & go back to being a grump. I wish I would win the lotto, it'd be so easy then. Any advice or even tips on finding the mythical housing I'm after? Does it seem like I need to jump or keep trying, just in a different way?

Hey @lostonearth: I think the issues you're dealing with Our multifaceted. Your past drinking and his current drinking are separate things. He's drinking worries me Considering you shared he shot a gun in the house. People will always say their partners would never hurt them until they do. He is killing himself and by you staying you are going to be party to and a witness to this happening.

Have you looked into Local women's groups that help women get out of abusive relationship s? Have you rrsearched low income housing or social Services?