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COPakeha
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Default Sep 15, 2020 at 05:37 PM
  #1
I've run out of options.

I'm not the type of person to reach out for help in a public forum, but I feel like I am starting to slip...

My marriage of 20+ yrs ended in February - she left me. I did not want to separate.

I lost my job in March and, with it, I lost my home.


She still lives in our "forever" home and is "living her best life".


I've never been this alone in my life. I don't have friends, all of them went with her.


None have reached out...

I really don't like my family and am not going to ask them for help.

The majority of my life has been in other countries and I've lost any real connection with my blood family.


My ex-wife's family, who I really LOVED, have abandoned me as well.

So, I have no job, no friends, no family and I am swiftly running out of road.

I have two kids 50% and they're the only reason I am still breathing.

When my job went, my insurance went and so did my counseling.

I know I could continue to pay out of pocket but have been really disappointed with both of the counselors I've tried.

Counseling = A lot of talking, no actions or changes. When it comes to counselors, there is always more talking and, of course, another bill and another session, which includes another bill...

I suffer from depression but stopped taking my antidepressants after 10+ yrs on them.


Why did I stop? I don't need another reason to feel flaccid and weak.

I'm stuck and I have no path forward. I sit in my apartment all day and cry.

My whole vision of my future has been destroyed by my ex-wife's lies and betrayal.


I don't know why I typed this out... All the websites say to ask for help. I guess that is why.

How do you help me when everything I do fails?
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Default Sep 17, 2020 at 01:06 AM
  #2
I don't have any advice at the moment other than therapy. But I know out of pocket it can be cost prohibitive. There is nothing wrong with telling a counselor this type of therapy isn't working for me and trying something else. Talk therapy isn't for everyone some people need something more out of the box.

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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 09:38 AM
  #3
If you are pathetic then so are we all.

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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 11:11 AM
  #4
I am sorry things have been so awful for you. When going through a divorce after so many years, it's really much like experiencing a death and the abscense of a pattern of life. It's normal to feel lost and full of grief.

It has not been that long, so it's not surprising you still experience the grief and sense of loss. It takes time to build a new life. While it can feel hopeless, feelings are not facts and you can learn to slowly build a new life for yourself with patience and time.
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COPakeha
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Default Sep 21, 2020 at 11:53 AM
  #5
Thank you
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 03:52 PM
  #6
COPakeha-- First, let me say that this online forum has provided an avenue of being able to vent. My world is just like yours, except that I am one year into the aftermath of my ex wife's decision that her promise of forever had an expiration date. There is still a bittersweet taste in my mouth and my only answer for you is that time makes it somewhat easier, but I won't say it is a lot easier.

Like you, I don't have the luxury of many friends, in fact I have one friend that I can truly confide in. My biological family is constantly busy and life is constantly on a merry go round with me. My 7 year old daughter has tested my instinct of survival, since she absolutely doesn't want to be with me. I really, honestly don't know what has kept me going, other than the fact that I have a job. The routine of my job has made the hell that I feel somewhat bearable. I cannot recall how many layers of Hell Dante stated there were, but I have been to many layers and have yet to surface.

With COVID, my tumultuous life, you can bet you are not alone in pain. Know that there is one other person out there that silently weeps at night and has many, many regrets. I am with you and I wish I could be more positive for you, but the reality is that with my situation--melancholy rears its head.

Regarding counselors, I have tried counseling. Also, found it to be somewhat a waste like you. The good ones cost a lot of money, money that I don't have.

So, here I tell you...what you have is a free online forum to vent your frustration to the outside world. Once in a while, someone will respond to you. Know that you are not alone in your hell, for I am with you.

--Sarc
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 04:03 PM
  #7
I have a job and a cat. That's enough for me. Don't set your expectations too high. Take one step at a time. Work on getting a job first.

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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 09:05 AM
  #8
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 11:30 AM
  #9
It's devastating when your world comes crashing down and you lose all the things that gave your life meaning day to day. That being said, there is life after trauma and loss. It can be a struggle to get there for sure. But reaching out is definitely a good step.

For me, I've been through a couple of significant relationship endings with very similar feelings and experiences that you've had. I've watched as the person I loved went on to continue to live happy and fulfilled while I struggled in the pits of despair and pondered bringing an end to it all. I got very close to crossing that line, and the only thing that saved me was someone reaching out to me and letting me know I was not alone and that loss can be survived. It can sometimes be helpful to talk to other people who have gone through divorce and have grieved the loss of a marriage or a life that they imagined for themselves. This kind of loss is more normal than we like to accept, and I found comfort in speaking to others who had been through it, especially when so many people around me were still "happily married."

I don't have an easy answer for you. Therapy can be helpful, but it takes time. It's frustrating but there are no fast answers or fixes. I remember getting frustrated with my treatment and feeling impatient. I remember wanting the pain to be over and wanting to find a way to free myself of the obsessive thoughts, the grief, and the anger. But that relief may only come with distance and time. You need to find a way to survive long enough to let your heart and mind start to fray the strands of that rope and cut the thread to what was so that you can begin to accept what is. It's not an easy prospect at all. I still struggle with waves of loss and frustration that spill in from time to time. But I am able to look back with some perspective and make sense of things.

It also helped me to go through and take an inventory of the relationships. What were the pros and cons of my relationship with the person? What were some of the things that frustrated me that I never spoke up about? What would I miss and what would I be glad I didn't have to face anymore? What were some of the things the person did that hurt me? Those can be difficult questions to answer when things are so raw, but for me it really helped actualize the loss and give some perspective. Most relationships aren't "ideal" when we take time to reflect on them. We can be blind to some of the struggles and pains when we're in love or happy, and it can be easy to forget how we have changed or lost parts of ourselves in the relationship overall.

I wish I had better answers for you. I am so grateful that you reached out. It can be incredibly hard to do when you're in the pit of darkness and struggling to find a reason to go on day by day. I hope that things start to improve. I definitely think that they can and will, but it takes finding the strength to give yourself and your heart time to heal. Best wishes and good luck on this journey.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 12:14 PM
  #10
40 years ago, joining Parents Without Partners really helped pull my dad out of a downward spiral. His situation was similar to yours.
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