Name calling

Recently, I've felt that my wife has been distant to me. I told her this and we got into a minor argument about it, which I came out of feeling insecure. We were talking today, and I said something to the effect of "we'll never get divorced, right," and she paused and said she hopes not but there are things that might lead to it such as name-calling. She brought up that I recently called her a ****ing complainer during an argument. I absolutely acknowledge that was wrong, and that I should try not to do that, but do you think I'm being held to a standard that I have a chance of meeting? I'd say something like the above happens every few months. We have two little kids and with everything else going on in the world things have been extra stressful. She acknowledges that I've gotten much better at not doing this, but I'm honestly concerned that in the heat of the moment I may occasionally say things like this. Again, I totally acknowledge that these words are not okay, but I'm not sure I'll ever be perfect here. I'm just trying to figure out if this is a reasonable request, or is she searching for a rationale to end the marriage. I love her very much, so I don't want this to happen, but at the same time, I don't want to fight this if it is inevitable. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Hi Joe, I think that your wife telling you that calling her names could destroy your marriage is actually very valid, reasonable and insightful. She's also said she hopes you stay married. She's clearly worried about this issue, and I can see why I would have an issue with being called such a name. The problem I would have is that...say I had an issue (whether big or small) that I raised with my partner, I would be hoping they could understand and either help, or not...what I would not be happy with is if they told me that I WAS the problem, and I think that, by calling her that name...you're in a way saying that she is the problem, or at least that she's a problem to you.
I don't think you'd have to be perfect to stop calling your wife names. I think you'd just have to listen to her, and respect her, and be honest with yourself about whether you can help her with her issue or not. Would you not want the same from her?

Name calling in fact is a form of verbal abuse. Your wife has every right to feel offended by any name calling, even if it happens every few months. I would personally curtail ALL name calling when in the heat of the moment. It is fine to be upset and to verbalize your upset and anger, but always and only in a respectful manner. Name calling is not respect. Please be aware and mindful of this.

I may have this wrong, but it seems like you want to reserve the right to do nasty name calling because it only happens every couple of months? And you're looking for validation as to whether that is reasonable or not?

Name calling hangs in the air of your marriage for all time. Each name calling makes that air thicker, heavier, and harder to breathe.
Sooner or later, she'll begin to crave fresh, untainted air that feels good to breathe.
And you want her to commit to never getting divorced, while you feel free to name call cause it only happens every couple of months.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Name calling is abusive and terrible. But it also doesn't mean you're a horrible monster. Are you looking for a way to make excuses for being allowed to call her names? Or do you truly want to change that behavior?

Name calling is verbal abuse; very destructive; you cannot take it back. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book I think everyone should read.

You CAN change your behavior and choice in words, even in the heat of the moment. It's possible and achievable.

My husband used to name call in fights, and the last time he did it, he called me a B. At that point, I had it and told him I am divorcing him. I will not tolerate name calling, or any other form of abuse.

So, yes, it's very reasonable of your wife to say she may leave you if the name calling continues. I would take this very seriously and work on changing your behavior. You may even consider seeing a therapist if you feel you cannot control yourself in the heat of an argument or disagreement.

Ok - yes, name calling IS terrible and unnecessary, really in any relationship. As is threatening language. Why go there? But there is a reason why you get to that point. I don't call my husband names - but I have said things I shouldn't have really in desperation to get his attention. It turns out what I was feeling was accurate. My gut was telling me something was wrong. He would not talk to me. But I did eventually learn of an emotional affair and he wants out of the marriage. So my act of desperation was actually real. I am not giving you permission to call your wife names. What I am saying is that there could be a much bigger issue at hand that you, or your wife, haven't figured out yet. So not only do you have to figure out how to leave threatening language out the mix, but you and your wife need to try to communicate about some of the hard stuff. That could take help of a therapist. Or, it could just take a couple of hours where you all agree to sit and just try to talk to each other - it sounds like you both want it. There are couples workbooks out there that facilitate conversation that I know sound silly, but could get the communication started.