He cheated and everything ended

I met my now ex-husband when we were in middle school, we "dated" for a week and moved onto just being friends. We remained friendly, but our group of friends drifted apart and that was fine. Fast forward to 2012 I moved home and started working for one of his family members (small town) and he came and helped on a clean-up project. We started dating, 3 years later we were engaged and he was joining the military. We married on the day he graduated from BMT, 5 years ago.

This past couple years we had been falling apart, he didn't ever want to do anything I wanted to. We lived in an area with hiking, biking, and so much to do outdoors but he just wanted to drink and play video games with his friends from back home. We were 2300 miles from family. He deployed and while he was gone I made excellent friends, whom I couldn't live without. He came back and told me what terrible friends I'd made. I let him push those friendships aside because I "loved" him. I only saw my friends on girls nights maybe once a month. He hated going to any of the events or festivities they invited us to.

The next deployment came not even 6 months after the first one. I started immediately spending more time with my friends and doing everything I could to keep busy while he was gone. This was supposed to be 7 months of him being gone and then COVID happened, he was gone for 9 months. I picked him up from the airport and immediately something felt wrong.

We got home and he didn't want to eat the dinner I'd made for us. Got onto his computer, asked why there was no alcohol in the house, and then said oh whatever I'm tired I'll go to bed. I was crushed, he just got home and I felt like I was nothing. The next morning things went from bad to worse. I asked him what the heck was going on and he told me he fell in love with someone else while he was deployed. She was "easy to talk to" and "it was only ever emotional".

I was crushed. I asked him to try counseling, and he told me it wouldn't change anything. I told him I'd do anything to make our marriage work and he just kept piling on the reasons we were doomed and our marriage was a failure. He made me ask if he wanted to separate and when he said that wasn't enough he forced the question of divorce from me. He knew exactly what he wanted but wanted it to come out of my mouth. It hurt.

I called my parents and told them everything, the next week after I'd packed my belongings my dad flew out and we drove the 2300 miles back to my hometown.

It's been almost 4 months since then. I've picked up some of the pieces of my life, moved away from the town I grew up in because there were too many unhealthy reminders of my ex. I'm learning what I have to offer and realizing I'm worth more than someone who would fall in love with someone he barely knows because it's easier than talking to his wife about their troubles. Some days are great, some days are still very very hard.

What are some of the things you do to remind yourself on the hard days that things will get better? Him ending our marriage won't be the death of me, it's the best thing for me. This gives me a chance to find someone better who can love me how I need to be loved, but it doesn't mean there isn't pain in being dropped like a sack of potatoes.

I cant say I know how you feel because I have never experienced that but I can say that maybe you should try and see how little he cared for you when he got back. Ignoring or avoiding a spouse after a deployment isnt normal or fair. That is not love.

I am so sorry you are going through this journey. My ex-husband was unfaithful with three women during our marriage and when I found out, I started the divorce process. We were together for 22 years.
Nothing will take the pain away but time. I suggest journaling and write down all the things that brought you happiness as a child before you met him. Do those things with fresh memories. . If you let your soul open to it, you will experience a new beginning that isn’t defined by him. In time, you will be able to say thank you to him for “freeing” you from constraining pain. You were not your best self with him. You now have the chance to be.

This struck me: "I was crushed. I asked him to try counseling, and he told me it wouldn't change anything. I told him I'd do anything to make our marriage work and he just kept piling on the reasons we were doomed and our marriage was a failure. He made me ask if he wanted to separate and when he said that wasn't enough he forced the question of divorce from me. He knew exactly what he wanted but wanted it to come out of my mouth. It hurt." The fact that he led you down the path to ask the questions and not just have the decency to come out and have a real question is not cool. Particularly in a relationship that is around 10 years old. You deserved a conversation. It's a sign of a weak person to do that. No one should be required to ask the question, "do you want to divorce" if it wasn't your idea to begin with. In addition, the emotional affair thing I think is much worse than a physical one. There is a coupling that married people do, that makes them 'us' against the world. It's a bubble of sorts. When your spouse reaches out of the bubble and intimately shares details of their life with another person, and starts to want the opinions of that other person or look forward to sharing with that other person, it pops the bubble. At the time they may not realize how serious that is - but it's the death of a relationship. Even if it's eventual. Not saying that there aren't some couples that pull it back from that, but those that do, really have to do the the work - both of them. While I am not divorced yet, and am in this forum now because I need to communicate with other people who may have similar feelings, I unfortunately have been divorced before. (Lucky me!) I have both good news and bad news for you. The bad news is - it's been 20 years since my first divorce (together 8 years total, married for 6 years out of college) and while it seems like a lifetime ago, there are still things that pop up in my head from time to time about him. Some good memories, some bad. And going through my current situation - I believe I am having PTSD from my 1st divorce and it's bringing up a lot of really intense, negative feelings. The good news is - (apart from right now with the PTSD) - it hurts a whole lot less with each thought and I'd say it took 4 years for me to get to the point where I could freely talk about him and the situation without a negative thought... it was just part of my past. I can also say that I have lived a very full life since that time - one that I would never have been able to live with him. I think on the bad days now, you need to find a couple of things that bring you joy to focus on. Possibly hiking as you reference, or writing, knitting or a hobby of some sort (something that can make you feel like you've accomplished something) and most importantly, you need your tribe. Texts, calls, in person if possible - you need people you can reach out to and just be part of their life. And possibly sit and meditate for bit and think about the possibilities of what your life can be. Even now, as I contemplate another massive upheaval in my life, one that includes a stepchild that I raised and a husband I trusted who has just stopped being my husband, there is a small glimmer of the "what if's" swirling around. What if I move? What if I take a new job? What if I can use my money to do what I want to do? Where would I travel to? Allow yourself to just sit and think about these things. Some can be scary & overwhelming but sometimes a blank canvas is a gift. What could it look like?

The exact thing happened to me. He deployed constantly, then falls for his coworker and have a n affair while I took care of the house and kids as he travelled the world with his mistress, and told me he was on "work trips". I forgave him, and we had two wonderful years after that, then he tells me he doesn't love me and already has a lawyer. Merry Christmas to me. I have accepted the fact, I wish I would have a mother or a father to help me out. My sister is pregnant with high risk and can't tell her. I downloaded with my friend's previously and I won't do this to them again. I am cauterizing my wound myself and letting go. I love him and it's so hard not being loved back. I really have no interest in finding anyone else at this point. I am too traumatized by it all and my kids are my priority right now.

Go to counseling. Help yourself. Get a new hair cut. Get a manicure. Take care of you. Good luck