22 years

Hi, I'm new here. My husband recently told me that he wants a divorce and I'm feeling really lost, scared and angry. Our marriage has been fine but not great. Neither one of us was happy and in the end, I think it will be better for both of us, but I'm still feeling angry towards him. I'm worried about how our son is going to take it. I'm worried about our future. I think I'm just scared because the whole process seems overwhelming. Any advice?

Dear BuckeyeGirl,

Hi and welcome to the Forums. It is so very nice to meet you. I am so terribly sorry you are in the stressful and distressing situation you described. I wish I knew what to say to help ease the pain of it. I think your feelings are completely understandable in the circumstances. Hopefully you will find these Forums helpful to you. If I had any wisdom to share with you about the situation I would gladly share it but sadly I lack such wisdom. Hopefully others will have really good and really helpful advice for you. I am so very, very sorry I could not be helpful to you in this. It is just heartbreaking what you are going through!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Buckeye,
I am new here as well. I recently filed for divorce, and I worry about our son as well. I can totally relate to your feeling of worry for the future. I feel as though I am at this weird "in limbo" stage, just waiting to see how things fall. I found myself worrying about step 12 & 13, when I hadn't even faced step 2 yet. I'm a type A personality that likes to be in control, so this situation goes against every fiber of my being. But I am learning to let go. To stop and look at the next step before all the other steps. I found a great counselor online that does video meetings. In the beginning I would just vent about my husband, but the discussions have transitioned to me. I realized that I had lost myself somewhere along the way. Do you have a good support system? Not sure if finding a counselor is an option for you. But I think talking to someone may be super helpful. By no means am I an expert on this, especially since I am muddling my way through the divorce process myself, but please know that you are not alone out there.

We are in the beginnings of working out separation/divorce. This is unfortunately the 2nd for both of us. My husband is truly unhappy in life, with who he is, his position in the world, etc. IMO it's a weird version of a midlife crisis and I am stuck in the middle of it. He has a 16 year old son with split 50/50 custody whom I have been involved with since he was 3 and have actively raised since he was around 5. My observations with children of divorce is that it would be much easier if mom & dad can be in the same room without any animosity. I think that couples who divorce with kids should go to counseling to get a couple of tools to use to communicate with each other as they co-parent. My husband and his ex are terrible co-parents. If there is an emergency - they are great. But for all the small stuff. They are really terrible. Neither treats the other with respect and I have spent much of the last 12 years helping navigate the situation because my husband has so little patience with her. And she with him. Guess what? The kid feels that. He literally has two separate lives with no cross over beyond his school functions we are both at. We sit in separate sections, we barely speak. I SPEAK. But once I am not there, it will go back to ignoring. It was my hope that by the time we got to HS, that we would all be able to be in the same room with no issues - like for graduations or what about when they take him to college - weddings in the future, etc. That didn't happen. I say that because now that my husband wants a divorce, my biggest concern is showing the child that his father and I can be in the same room if I have any hope as seeing him as the years go on. It can't be like his mom & dad are. And despite his father being very odd right now, I still love him and am learning to accept this new normal. I am devastated that my future is being blown apart but I will survive.

Another thing I want to share is that as I look at the future, I have tearfully talked to some of my friends about it - I dread telling my stepson. I love him and am afraid I will lose him for good. And I think he may be mad his dad, which I don't want either as I have spent so much of my time cultivating that relationship over the years. It feels like a no-win situation to me. One of my friends in particularly who has been through some pretty big drama, has three boys, 14-17. He said that when a lot of things came out, he was shocked at how much his kids already knew. We haven't told the 16 year old yet and have no plans to until 2021, but chances are when we do, he will not be surprised. While we don't fight (mostly haha), the level of laughter has gone down, the touching, etc. His dad is moody and quiet and I try to lighten the mood. He will already know. Kids are smart and resilient. So IMHO as long as you and your husband work to make sure that you son never feels like he has to choose between you than you will be fine. I know all of our first reactions are "I would never do that" - that is my husband's reaction and my SSs mom. But they don't understand and do it often. Think of a soccer field, both parents are there, son came with the one he is staying with that weekend but wants to go talk to the other one, but doesn't want the one he is staying with to be upset and now as he does talk to the other one, the one he is staying with comes up and now it's an awkward mix of adults that aren't really speaking with this poor kid in the middle. It doesn't have to be that way. You were married - try very hard to figure out how to be friends. Not buddies - just baseline, cordial, comfortable friends who happen to be co-parenting. It will be so hard. I know this. Good luck.