Introducing myself: Separating after being together 30 years

Hi,

I'm here because I feel I have very few people to talk to about what is going on with my marriage. We are separating after being together 30 years, married 28. We have two grown daughters. The marriage has not been a marriage for a long time. More like roommates. I thought we could remain friends through this, but it's not going well. Because of COVID, we can't move forward in terms of someone (probably me) moving out. I feel like I'm living in limbo and want to get on with my life and am also just sad, sad, sad all the time being around my (still) husband. He doesn't want to separate, but we haven't met each other's emotional needs in so long - sometimes I think never - and it freaked me out the other day when I realized all the years we have wasted being unhappy. I feel very stuck until COVID is under control and I can move out. It's very depressing being here. As soon as it's safe, I'm going to visit my younger daughter (she lives far away) and then go to Mexico for a month (to a town I've visited and want to live in) to see if I think I can live there long term. Now it's not safe to do any of that and financially it would be expensive for me to move out temporarily and pay for an apartment or other rental. I'm so tired of being sad around my husband! He's very mopey too. We have told our daughters we are separating, but no other family yet as dealing with their judgment feels like too much right now. No one knows how bad things have been with the marriage so I know they will judge and try to talk us out of it. Thank you for letting me ramble. I just want to get on with my life and get out of this relationship, but somehow remain friends for our daughters, but sometimes I don't know if that's possible.

Welcome to Psych Central, oingoboingo. Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest:

The 40 Do's and Don'ts During a Divorce | The Exhausted Woman

The Psychological Impact of Divorce on Adult Children

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you!

Hello. I’m divorcing after 29 years of marriage. It’s amazing we stayed together so long when it was so difficult. We also didn’t meet each other’s emotional needs. It is so painful, but actually I am doing better with him gone. It just breaks my heart that he won’t have a relationship with our children. (He actually left us 6 years ago) I am finally divorcing him. Hoping for better days ahead for you too.

Thank you, Bethanyrose. I am glad that my husband will continue to have a relationship with our children. That sounds really frustrating what you are dealing with. I'm so up and down with all of it and then I doubt if I've made the right decision, and other times am so sure. Today is good so far. It actually helps me to remember crappy times because otherwise I feel guilty that I'm the one leaving. We worked really hard to work it out, but I don't have it in me to keep trying. I'm exhausted from all of it! Thank you again for writing. I really appreciate it.