Drowning in emotions

I have finally gotten the courage to leave my abusive husband of 17 years. After a ton of research and self refection I truly feel I was dealing with a covert narcissist and I am codependent. I feel so stupid that I didn't see what was happening in my marriage for so many years. He has been both mentally and physically abusive to me. He refuses to acknowledge the physical abuse even though it is documented at our local police station. He was enraged when he realized that I was following through this time when I filed for divorce. He began isolating me from my support group which contained my best friend and our church family. I knew he be able to manipulate a few but this has been gut wrenching. I literally have no one. I know I have to do this for myself and my children. I was so strong in the beginning but as he does he is wearing me down. Every interaction with him is exhausting and emotional. However recently he has stopped reaching out and trying to talk to and manipulate me. My reaction to this has been strange. I do not want him back at all. But I find myself so angry and lasing out and giving him negative attention and then he makes me feel like I am so emotional and out of control. I have begun to set boundaries and expectations on how I will be treated with people in my family also. This has made them very angry and they have chosen not to respect my boundaries so I am not currently in contact with them. To top off this coronavirus, divorce, isolation mess, I had to put my dog of 15 years to sleep. I feel so alone. Any advice on how to keep your mind focused on moving forward and how to make a new friend group during a pandemic would ve much appreciated.

There's lots to say here and I only have a few minutes. You are doing the right thing by trying to navigate this complex issue. I don't know you but I can tell you that you don't deserve this. Abuse is not ok. Try to practice self-care - whatever that means for you. For me it means reading, running/walking, supplements, water, sleep, fresh air, writing, and organizing (I am goal-oriented and it makes me feel good to complete something) Definitely get that support group stable - even if you have to find someone outside of who you would normally choose - someone who doesn't know your husband personally like an old classmate or a work friend. I did want to just say a couple of thoughts about your dog. There are some that wouldn't understand this... but I want you to know that when I read your paragraph - I thought "oh no" - the dog feels like the straw that broke the camel's back as they say. I lost my 16 year old dog last year and I am shocked to say, I still miss him every day. It was the first pet I have lost that was truly mine. I had no idea how much actual support he gave. When my husband told me he wanted a divorce a couple of months ago and I was reeling a bit - feeling unbalanced and sad and overwhelmed, I can't tell you the number of times I thought, I wish my dog was here. So HUGS to you. As for making new friends... look at what Meetup (google it) has to offer in your area - go hiking and other social distanced activities that could expose you to new people. Try to look hard at your life - and seek connections. They are there... we just tend to be so busy, it's easy to overlook them. For me, it was a friend from HS, a friend from college, an old co-worker who left the company, a local old-coworker who left the company and the sister of my best friend. (believe it or not my best friend is not very helpful as she is SO MAD at my husband that it's not helpful. LOL) Most of these are not local so I do spend a lot of time on the phone. And I make an effort to text these people every couple of days to try to keep up the relationship during this time. I'd also try to find a therapist if you haven't already, it's really helpful to talk to someone who is paid to hear what you feel like are your most painful thoughts. LOL. Some things you just aren't go to say outloud to anyone else! Good luck. You are not alone.

I went through something similar. I also had to put my dog down during a divorce so I feel your pain. He seemed so sad when he was going. It was like he knew what was going on in my life and was giving up. I'm sure it was in my head but I always have that memory of him being so sad when me and my wife were fighting in the end. My wife told me that if I put him down she would kill me. So sad.

I also know how you feel about being aggressive after your husband stopped talking to you. I went through something similar when I started dating again. I started becoming the aggressor and it scared me. I had to go to therapy. My therapist told me I was reacting to my wife's abuse. I was lashing out first before she could hurt me. I never used to be that way but therapy helped alot. I'm not aggressive any more. Hopefully you can get some therapy while you are going through this. I wish I had done so sooner.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It all sounds so painful. And, no support from your family it sounds like. I recommend you get some outside help since your family and friends are unavailable. You must be strong for your kids!

I have kids under 13 and they have seen and been through too much abuse as well. So sad for them. My oldest became obese after the divorce. She still struggles. Give them lots of love!!

I went through a similar situation. I know exactly how you feel. It sounds like you are doing all of the important things, but I can't stress enough how important total "no contact" is at this time.

If there are shared contacts, you need to eliminate them. Part of your boundaries should include this as a requirement. If there is anyone, including family members who choose to continue a relationship with him, then he can still control you.

I understand your desire to "feel heard", and I'm sure there are plenty of things you'd like to say, but don't. Any connection to him or contact with him places you back into the drama. If he is withdrawing, it is because he may have found someone else to focus his attention (and abuse) on. Use this to your advantage, because it makes "no contact" easier.

Train yourself "not to look". Eliminate social media from your life. Don't go to the places where you may run into him. Move far away if you can.

Self-care is really important right now. Reach out and try to connect with people from your deep past, the life you had before he was part of it. Get involved in activities that you used to enjoy. Try to reconnect with "you", because you are probably noticing that you haven't been "you" for a very long time. Instead, you were his version of "you". As you reconnect with yourself, you will rediscover how to be happy. You were alone before you met him, and you were probably pretty happy to be alone. You had dreams about the future that didn't include him in it, what were those dreams?

This can be a very exciting process, and self-rediscovery doesn't have to be lonely. Sign up for a course. Learn a new language. Do some YouTube yoga with your kids. Build some lego together! Redecorate! I painted my bathroom purple, because I never could use "girly" colours before. Do all the things that you can do now that you couldn't before.

Remember, this is a process, and it isn't a race. Every day forward is a step towards happiness, and it will come

Excellent advice!!

Abusers and people who don't respect your boundaries get very angry when you set a boundary. I am very proud of you!Abuse is confusing, because it is literally brainwashing. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse and understand how much courage it takes to leave. You are NOT stupid. You have done the best you can in your situation. Put the blame and shame where it belongs.....on the abuser, NOT on yourself. Abusers are emotional vampires, they want to continually get you to explain yourself. You can protect yourself, and stop responding. If you feel you must respond to something.....a good thing to say is: Oh, I see that's how you feel. Leave it at that, and don't continue the conversation. He doesn't care what you think or feel. I am so sorry about your dog. xo

You have no one because your husband isolated you. That's how a person like this controls their target. Often the captive develops Stockholm syndrome which makes it hard to break free.

It's going to take you time to slowly heal from this type of abuse. The first step is breaking free even though you have so much fear of doing so.

i hear Your pain. Things will go back to normal, in Your Life and Hopefully in the world as well. Take baby steps though. You can totally do this! Please do stay strong. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @santosha, Your Family, Your FriEnds and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!