Pushing Past Fears to Talk about Divorce

Hello, I'm a new member here. I am a bit apprehensive about sharing what is going on in my life, in part because I feel both guilty and burdensome doing so, and also because I'm a mental health professional and am dysfunctionally used to not disclosing any personal information about myself (avoidance tactic).

I have been separated for a long time and my husband and I decided on divorcing amicably about one month ago. We are waiting another month to file for numerous reasons, but at this point it is definite. For the most part, we have been able to work it out peacefully as friends.

Despite the amicable conditions, I've been experiencing moderate depression in addition to health issues with long-haul covid-19. I am also working remotely helping people through their own mental health issues on most days. I take care of my kids 99% of the time (their dad sees them a few times a week for about 30 minutes each time). I love what I do, no regrets, but I'm physically so very tired, getting by just barely with the emptiness and hopelessness. I know divorce can be liberating and full of hope for so many; for me it's been a reminder of all the ways I feel like I've failed, despite my best efforts to make this work.

I do know how to be aware of and treat most of my symptoms, I know the grief and heavy loss of a long, long marriage gets better in time, and I know that I will be okay in the long run. At the same time, social support is scarce right now and yet so essential to those of us dealing with significant loss and change.

I've rambled enough! Thank you for reading. I would love to hear how those of you who have been through a similar situation have worked through the pain of it, and what resources you have found to be most helpful to you.

Thanks!

VioletSpeaks - I just want to hug you! First, a huge shout out to you doing your job of helping other people while you yourself are dealing with a heavy load. I am fairly new in the group - haven't even written my full story yet - and 'new' to divorce. I use quotations because, guess what, it's my 2nd divorce. And more frightening, I think I might be able to see a pattern in the men I married despite being positive that they were as different as night and day. So when you speak of feeling like you failed, I understand that. I am a business professional and am successful in most of my life - I would dare to say I am successful (enough) in ALL of my life - except relationships apparently.

I can say that you would tell your patients that they need to have people to reach out to. And so you did the right thing by coming here... particularly if you find it hard to reach out to anyone in your life. I built what I refer to as my tribe. I still live with my husband and stepson and we haven't told the stepson yet. And I still love my husband and there are days where things where nothing feels different. Then there are days where all three of us are in the house but no one is speaking or days when my stepson is at his mom's and my husband just disappears. It is very. lonely. So this tribe texts becomes my lifeline. For example next week my SS is with his mom for an entire week and I am telling you that while I feel pretty cheery and stable right now, next week will be rough - I have already told some of tribe that I will be needy next week even if I don't say anything. I will probably have time to write my story. Because this has become and outlet for my voice as well.

Another thing that you need to focus on is self care. I realize that this is very difficult when each day is filled with you taking care of other people - your patients and your kids. But you kids & patients will benefit from it eventually as well. I view this in several ways. Of course it's things like drinking enough water, taking your medication/supplements at regular intervals, eating the right foods for your body (and yes, sometimes for your soul), getting a bit of exercise. Just go outside, breathe the fresh air and walk for 10-15 minutes. (even when the moving part is hard - the fresh air part will be great) Put on headphones and listen to podcasts (the Yes theory is a great new one) or your favorite genre of music on pandora/spotify or, simply the quiet. Maybe part of your self care would be reading and you could do an audio book during your 15 minute walk. Meditate. Do Yoga. Both of these things I have difficulty with but I am actually trying to incorporate them into my life right now. Pick your favorite movie from a happy time, rent/stream it, get a good glass of wine/beer/ice cream (favorite dessert) and carve out some time at night to just watch it and do 'you'. Get a fitbit or similar device and track your sleep. Work on creating a good environment for sleeping. Make a goal for yourself. (I want to cook a new meal this week/read a magazine/run a mile/get a pedicure/reach out to an old friend)

Anyways. You will feel liberated at some point. I am heartbroken, overwhelmed and sad. But I know there will be positives. I have been through it before. You will get through to the other side and there will be good days. More later. Keep reaching out.

Hello VioletSpeaks: Welcome to Psych Central. I don't have anything to offer with regard to your situation (given that you're a mental health professional yourself.) But I thought I would at least leave a brief note letting you know I read your post... and I wish you well. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you tri2thrive, I definitely appreciate your perspective. Divorce is definitely a grieving process, not just for the relationship but in the adjustment with other relationships affected by it too. Such a painful and complicated process.

Thank you for reminding me about self-care. Why is that one so difficult?

I am wishing you well as you go through this!

Thank you for reading, Skeezyks, I appreciate it. Best to you!

I'm currently in the first week of a non legal separation myself. Unfortunately I don't have much advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know I read you post. I'm thinking of you and agree with the self care. Hang in there!

I also read your post, I don’t have much advice, just to take things one day at a time and be kind to yourself!

Have you considered therapy for yourself? You have the skills because its your profession but its hard to be objective with yourself and to treat yourself.