"My life is unchanged with or without you in it"

I guess I never realized how much of your self worth is attached to your loved ones and the perceived impact you are having on their lives.

2 amazing boys, and 3 years of marriage later, and I am almost finished with the long-dreadful divorce process.
And throughout the entire process I was fine.
I was not the one who filed for divorce, so my only goals are to keep my cool and not fire verbal assaults back, and to be a support for my soon to be ex wife as best I could. Because clearly I failed in the marriage.

There is nothing like the wrath of a woman scorned. Not passing judgment, just expressing that her feelings and her hurt would oftentimes come through in the form of verbal digs and low blows. And I was determined not to meet her there -- i mean hurt people hurt people anyway, right?! As the mother of my young boys, whether we are together or not, I want her happiness and wholeness without question.

My point is that over time I had developed thick skin. And I mean borderline gator-skin thick. I knew what was happening and why it was happening. And you can prepare for what you know is coming.

But recently, we were going back and forth trying to explain our points regarding how we got here (because we all know that is smart in the middle of a divorce). And in the conversation she said something to the affect of, after the last seven years I can honestly say that my life would be unchanged and unaffected with or without you in it.

And it was until later, when I really sat with it, when I realized how deeply that hurt me. I am to this moment, almost a week later, hurt and in my feelings. I did not realize how important it is to have some one, or some group, that knows you and that you can make a direct impact on. With so many people in this world, you have to find a niche of people who love you for you and who want to do the same activities/things you want to. Whether it's playing on your rec softball/bball team, hanging with the girls or the bros, or laying a foundation with your family, it is imperative (especially during the pandemic) to have your 'impact group'.

I still need to take some time and truly reflect, but whether right or wrong, and whether I want to admit it or not, a part of my self worth was tied to the direct impact I was having (or thought I was having) on those who were closest to me, my family.

And for her to essentially you don't mean **** to me, although I know was not true, sure did do it's job. It cracked the shell.

I m so sorry you are going through this. It must hurt very badly. Try and keep your chin up.

thehealingone - I am so sorry you are going through this. Words that come out our loved one's mouth during times like this are completely ridiculous. My husband wants a divorce - we are at the beginning, not even separated yet. Together 12 years, lived together for 8, married for 4. One night, after a few too many beers and while feeling sorry for himself, he said "I don't think we ever had a connection." The truth is - it should have hurt - but it didn't. This is him justifying what he is doing and I could see it. There is no way that for 12 years, we lived our whole life and experienced the things we did and said the things we did and there was no connection. It was a cop out and an excuse and him trying to make himself feel better because he knows that his decision is the unpopular one. One that was made with no effort to work through whatever was/is the issue. That is how I view what your wife said. There is no way you had 2 kids together and none of your time meant anything to her. And even now, as you enter in to the final stages, with your history, you made an impact that she, like it not, will think about. The trajectory of her life changed forever with you in it... I don't know why these people that are supposed to be our protectors, our 'people' insist on not only blowing up our lives with decisions that adversely affect many around us, but then, when we give them what they want, insist of trying to take us down in the process. It says SO much about them and nothing about us. The fact that you are trying to keep your cool says more about who you are. I'd also like to point out that you didn't "fail in the marriage." The marriage failed. To boil it down, it's a legal contract. You are a person and while I can only assume that you are far from perfect, as all of us are, feeling like you failed vs the the marriage failed is tough. (I also have these same thoughts incidentally, but I try to take these words and turn them on myself) Chin up! Good luck...

thehealingone

I feel for you. I'm currently at my divorce journey. So many things in your post touched me on a personal level. I can relate. My husband moved out little over a week ago. When he did I felt like it would be temporary. Not feeling that so much anymore. I was told he felt happier living with his parents and not coming home every day. He also has a girlfriend in another state.

You saying that your self worth over time becomes tied to someone else is true. Thats happened to me without me realizing it. And it sucks. There is no way that you did not have an impact in her life. She may not realize it now but she will see it in the future. You just might not see her see it if you know what I mean. Im sure there are great things coming for you!

Just know that you are not alone