Need the strength to leave

I have been married to my current husband for 3 years, together for 4. He seemed like the perfect person in the beginning. Lots of promises, which turned out to be empty in the long run. Lots of sex, which also turned into non-existent.


In April of 2019, I came across a message from one of his former co-workers asking when I would be home and telling him that she wanted to see him. That night, I came home, and he told me that he was going to go "Door Dash" for a while...I said, NO, you're not! I know where you're going. The conversation had turned into him going to see her at her work, and I wasn't going to let that happen. He didn't go, we fought, and then the issues seemed to get pushed under some imaginary rug?


Well, of course this peaked some of the suspicions I had. So, yes, I'm not proud, but I snooped. And it was almost scary what I found. We shared a device where I could see all of his emails, browser history, and locations.


His emails went all the way back to before we were dating, while were dating and to current. While we were dating, he was trying to hook up with women all the time....and some men too? He has a profile on almost every hookup site imaginable, and the obvious ones too. He tells me he keeps the obvious ones to "see if there are people he knows on there". Yeah...ok. (eyeroll)


Now comes a doozy. Same month, April 2019, he finds us a house, and I fall in love with it. He convinces me that he has enough money to buy it because of the sale of his old house with his ex-wife. Lots of things fall through on the deal, and then all of a sudden, the day of closing, my husband has what he thinks is a heart attack. Which turned out to be a panic attack, because in all reality, there was no money (Not a dime!). This I didn't find out until recently, because I finally got up the guts to call his ex-wife and talk to her as we have always been very civil with each other.


We go through a few months, pretty uneventful except the constant browsing of sites, but no real action.


He starts to question where I am, and what I'm doing, and who I'm with. And I'm always EXACTLY, where, with and doing EXACTLY what I said I was. He even went so far as following me to places I told him I was going. Obviously, I thought this was strange, but didn't put much thought to it. If I don't answer my texts within minutes, he calls and questions where I'm at...well most of the time at WORK! And to this day he's still doing this.


Sometime in late January 2020, he gets a "wrong number" text. Somehow those messages transpired into a "relationship" where there were some very explicit text messages exchanged. (I'm the account holder, and I can see all texts). He even told her at some point he would leave me for her.


Now, we get into the "good" stuff. February 2020, I am scheduled to go on a work trip. He tells me, "you're just going to **** around on me aren't you!?!" Seriously!?! No! So, the trip comes, and I'm sitting in the plane on the runway ready to take off (still in my city) and I start to get weird notifications from his messages. He had dropped me off at the airport and contacted an ESCORT!!!! I sat on that plane in complete shock, and slowly pulled my wedding ring off my finger. Tears streaming down my face, trying not to let complete strangers see that my heart had literally exploded out of my chest. I felt sick. I tracked his location once I got to my destination and confirmed, yes, he was there, and it was for the time agreed upon. Again sick. Once I got home, I did confront him. At first, he denies it. I had contacted the Escort, and at first, she lied, but then I sent her screenshots and she fessed up. He tells me that it's my fault he did it, that he thought our relationship was in "trouble". So, you get an escort?! Who thinks like that?! I cave and let him stay. He promises to do nothing like it again. He's scared of what his family will think of him. Ok fine. I'll let it be... for now.


Now remember the "wrong number" text? He's still texting her. This is about March 2020, and now he's going to meet up with her for dinner one night. Well, her being a savy and cautious woman, he looks him up on Facebook....and what does she find? That's he's married...to ME! So, she sends me a message, including screen shots, and we set up a plan. I will be there in her place to once again confront him. Well, I show up, he's not wearing his ring. Says it's because he took a shower? He never takes it off. I say, so were you planning on having s*x with her? He says No! She's just a friend. I say to him, that's hard to believe considering the screen shots she sent me! He says this is just an extension of the Escort issue. He says it will stop. He texts her one last text....

And that very night, she replies. But just a hope it works for you sorta thing. Well it didn't end there. They were right back to where they left off. She apologized for outing him, and he agreed he deserved it, but still wanted to make it work with her.


I finally have enough and in August 2020, I tell him he has to tell her no more. He texts her, tells her I know, and gives her his work number, and says, let's still do lunch and stop by anytime. Wow.


Now we get to September 2020, and the month of our 3-year anniversary! It's on a weekday, so he decides to get us a hotel room on the weekend. Ok, maybe he is going to change. Yup, I was wrong again. The very next day, I found out he's been on the Ashley Madison affair site, and actually PAID for an account! And immediately starts messaging women. How dumb can I be?


This is my second marriage, the first one just ended up to be more like roommates, but my friends all tell me...Your "picker" is broken. And I'm starting to believe them.


I need to find the strength, not only for me, but for my daughter (11 - from my first marriage)

Dear LostInMyOwnMind,

I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. Hopefully these Forums will be helpful to you in your situation! The whole thing sounds utterly heartbreaking.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

I can't figure out for the life of me why you did not leave him a long time ago. What on earth is holding you back, he is a total jerk and he is never going to change. Please, you have my 100 percent support to ditch this guy and find someone who can be loyal and actually appreciate you.

Open Eyes,
Honestly, I don't even know. All he's brought me in the last 4 years is a lot of self doubt, a lot of debt, a completely broken heart, the list goes on and on.

This sounds stupid, but I'm actually worried about what his family will think of HIM. Not of me, but they seem to have built so much around him, that this will utterly crush them.

You have to stop giving up your sanity and life for this individual. Life is simply much too short for that. You are way too codependent and you need to learn what codependency is. You are literally being emotionally sucked dry by this emotional vampire.

Please find a therapist that can help you see what you are giving up where you can break free of this emotional vampire. He needs to be responsible for what his family feels not you. He is just awful.

Often the answer lies in our back story as to why we tend to pick the wrong person in relationships. That is what a therapist can help you come to realize so you don't keep ending up with the wrong person. I just think from what you share that you must have incredibly low self esteem to give a person like this man so much control over you. The strength to leave comes from building your self esteem and you can't do that when you accept or give others control over that. What you have shared is so unhealthy for you, my heart aches for you.