Are forever marriages realistic? For who?

I've recently ended a 10+ year relationship at the age of 32. We started going to therapy to essentially decide whether to get married and start a family, or separate and search for someone new while we're still young enough.

We have had, what I suppose you'd call a "conscious uncoupling" although we dislike this term. We are both extremely heartbroken and still love each other very very much. We agonized for years on our own and in therapy about what to do, because we were overall good, but some things just didn't feel right. Issues around location, attraction/sex, anger and name calling. But we love each other and had a growth mindset, so we tried so hard to work it out, and we got better we did, but we felt like if we weren't super excited to sign up for a lifetime together then we shouldn't do it.

The world told us that marriage was indeed hard work (we knew how to do hard work, and had for years) but the "when you know you know" camp made us think that you should have more flow, a bit more ease. So we ended things. Probably for good, but hell, who knows.

For years, I've wondered whether being with the same person for your whole life AND being extremely satisfied and happy was even possible. I wonder if I do find another partner, whether in another 10 years I will feel the same way just over DIFFERENT issues?

If this is the case, was it stupid to end the last relationship if overall it was good and my partner was 100% my best friend??

What does being happily married forever depend on?

Does it depend on personality? For example the degree to which you value stability, or hate change? Even Esther Perel I have to say doesn't seem 100% stoked about her marriage...

Does it depend on what age you meet your partner, during which stage of life?

Does it depend on how Buddha like you are able to become?

I suppose I'm asking because I really waaannntt to build a family with someone and love them until the very end. I want this so that we can be one whole family and visit the grandkids together when we're old and love every minute of it! And also so that I can be a happy old lady I just want to know whether that's realistic or not?

I don't personally have any examples of 20+ year marriages where the couple still seems IN love to the outsider. Most seem like they love each other but aren't terribly affectionate, or are affectionate but also obviously co-dependent and strained to a degree because of that.

So, what's the deal?

If you would have asked me a year ago I would have said it is possible. My wife and I met in high school. Only together in every way for 25 years. I passed on any temptation of affairs. I loved her more deeply than anyone could. I was dedicated until the end of time. Then a year ago I found out she had been having an affair off and on for a year and a half. 4 kids, 25 years and my undying love, and in return I got cheated on and now agonize over the fact that the one person I gave my whole self to stopped doing the same to me. I love everyday with regret that I can longer have that rare thing we shared. I’ve given it a year of counseling, devotional, church classes... I still hurt so much and don’t feel I can go on. So I’d say you should hope for it and pray for it, but I was so sure it would never happen to me, but an affair did and now the love isn’t everlasting the way it should be.

Ten years was a long relationship and a significant time in both your Ives together, from the ages that you are. Also, you were probably talking about marriage and children, at the point of embarking on that or bailing ship. If you both wanted that at all or with each other, had to have been a pressing question.

The first reason you say you broke up is you felt pressure that your relationship should feel more perfect. You don’t ever say you both had any real problem with each other.

I had to look her up:
“Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist of Polish-Jewish descent who has explored the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships”
Yes! This idea seems right on track with how you are thinking about relationships.

‘Happy and satisfied with one person your entire life’ Everybody says their relationships go through ups and downs.

What does being happily married forever depend on?
Saying you are?, having commitment, being patient and forgiving ‘being Buddha’ . I agree, it can be about strongly desiring stability or hating or fearing change.

If you are having doubts about whether you should have broken up, your ex may be too. Have a talk and see where their head is at.

I don't think they are realistic. Why is it with everything else in this world "diversity" is appreciated and pushed but not with relationships. I think someone should figure out how to do relationships right. I think that if you choose to have kids you should get married for their sakes -- but the point of that marriage is for the kids. Not necessarily for your -- forever and ever and ever love. I think Marriage has become about, sadly, a social milestone that people feel pressure to achieve. It is even becoming more about the ceremony than anything else. I think that Marriage should be a time limited thing. Maybe you enter into it for 20 years tops. I think that would stop too much hurt in this world.

Yes it is possible. My grandparents were together from their teens until my grandfather died at the age of 78. My grandmother never remarried, and died at the age of 93. They fought all the time, but they supported each other in everything, were very considerate of each other in matters that were important. They were a team. When he died, I have never witnessed such grief as my grandmother lamented over his coffin, crying things like "who will make you breakfast now?". She was thinking about him even in death before herself. She adjusted and healed, but he was the only love of her life.

They escaped World War 2 together, after being separated by war and finding each other again in a refugee camp. He could never return to his home country, and would never see his family ever again for the rest of his life. They moved to a country where they initially didn't speak the language. They didn't just love each other, they needed each other for survival. They rebuilt a new life and family in a new country. They forged everything from nothing together.

They valued each other in a way that people don't value each other today. Media teaches us very unrealistic ideals about what "perfect love" should be. There is no "happily ever after", because life is rife with challenges that we must face and learn how overcome on our own and with others. Some things are easier in partnership, but long term things will only work out if they both look at life through a realistic lens. When one or both partners feel entitled to "perfection", they will be constantly disappointed, questioning whether the grass is greener in another situation or relationship.

We've been cheated by social pressure supported by media to believe in perfection as a goal for our relationships. There has to be a certain amount of sex, and it must be good sex. There should never be more than X amount of arguments. We should have mostly similar goals, dreams, likes, and dislikes. We must never change. The list goes on and on, but it isn't realistic. We are all individuals, and we do evolve, adapt, and some of our interests and approaches to situations will change over time. Our bodies are going to change too, and some things may not work as well as they once did, if at all.

What does not change very much at all is the essence of who we are - our personality - that which comprises our core values, morals, and fundamental beliefs. If you are someone who truly believes in fidelity, you will never cheat. If you have integrity, lying is not something you engage in or accept. These are the things that must align in a relationship for it to work. If you assess yourself and your partner and find that your values, morals and beliefs are in alignment, and accept that the your relationship will change in its intensity over time, then your relationship is worth the effort and you should do everything you can to work together and maintain it.

Sharing a life with another person is a privilege, it isn't a right. When you make a long term commitment to someone, you are setting up expectations and entering into obligations and responsibilities that neither of you would consider doing alone. A decision to split up should be mutual, and after long, careful consideration because while you may not be experiencing that ideal of "perfect love" set out by social expectations, what you have with this person may just be the best you will ever find in a partnership with another human being.

Some people just aren't built for commitment, and that's OK too. Knowing one's self, and being honest about who you are with others is probably the most important part of having healthy relationships. Honesty and a true understanding of one's self and owning who you are will indicate whether or not they are capable of committing for life. Someone who goes about life chasing after ideals, modelling different things to please others, and not being true to themselves is not going to enjoy long-term, successful relationships, because they will never know what truly makes them happy.