advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Lostgir1
Newly Joined
Lostgir1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2020
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 1
3 yr Member
Default Nov 17, 2020 at 10:04 PM
  #1
Hi,
I've been with my spouse since I was 15 years old, we've been together for half of my life and we've been married for 4 years.
As we were dating, our relationship was legit a crazy Rollercoaster one second it was great the other second was horrible yet we still got married because we grew up and started compromising. We fought hard to convince everyone we loved eachother and were determined to be together regardless.
A little background on my husband - he's a introvert, he did all this research about how I should be more understanding etc because it's just who he is.
He doesn't deal with my family or friends, if we want to go out somewhere its a fight, even if i tell him weeks to months in advance. Fighting.
But if its something from his side of the family, I support him no matter what.
He doesn't go anywhere with me anymore I always go alone and I always end up in tears because I feel so embarrassed (weddings , family functions, get togethers), he is addicted to computer games - we live together but I think we spend only about 30 minutes together total in a day and im being generous. When we go for dinner, we can't even go there and have a nice evening talking bonding etc its more of a quickly order eat and let's go in and out within 1 hour.
Anytime I try communicating how I feel I'm dramatic or creating drama because I have nothing else better to do.
Sex has become boring more of a chore because we want to conceive a child but now I dont even care if I'm ovulating because I know my pregnancy will be **** due to stress and I dont want to harm my child in my belly or in the real world having to grow up with this type of environment. I know I was destined to be a mother. I've always wanted children but I cant sacrifice my happiness for some superficial love and screw me and my future children over for the sake of having children.
He has major anxiety yet doesn't want to get treated for it so he smokes weed 24/7. He has to be high all day.. thats legit the only time he is tolerable.
If we go out somewhere I always have to drive and then we don't even talk.. its silence or he falls asleep.
Since he was 18 he promised he would go to school get an education and a proper job that way I can depend on him to be able to pay bills etc while I care for our future children. I'm not saying he should do all the work but at least pick up the slack while I am on mat leave. Instead he waits til 31 to go to school (which is fine cuz you're never to old for education) so finally he goes he passes with distinction i am OVER the moon. He gets a job at a good company. 3 days later he wakes me up at 2 am and tells me he called them and left a message stating he quit. I am in shock. We are living with his family (seperately) we needed support while he went to school so im like hey its help right. Wrong. I feel like now he will never want to leave and this is where we are supposed to be.. and I've expressed to him say day 1 this is not my dream.
I cook, I clean, I work full time (I applied for a second job for weekends), I take care of the dog, I do everything.. he said I can waste my life on money all i want but he lives once so hes not wasting his time on materialistic things... he wants handouts he even stated we don't have to worry our parents are gonna die anyway and we'll get money. This was literally word for word.. i am super independent my family raised us all to stand up on our own two feet and hustle and be successful but i feel like im the only one whos actually hitting all my goals in life other than marriage. All he does is take out the garbage and thats an issue too. Sometimes even I do it.
I told him I've had enough and I think I'm gonna leave him but when we've fought over the years I've always threatened seperation/divorce as does he but I think he thinks I'm joking.
I've already reached out to my parents asking for them to support me and help me to which they've agreed. They are my support system and I know they'll have my back.
I've told his best friend everything and I trust him not to say a word.
I've stopped wearing my wedding rings and gave it back to him which he's never asked me to put back on.
I've organized all my important documents.
I've never gotten this far before but I cant help but feel like I need to do this but im so scared.
I'm scared of regret. I'm scared ill be alone forever.
I'm not sure what to do, who to talk to or what to prepare.
I feel so alone. I'm so torn.
I really feel like he deserves to be alone.
He states he's happy and he isn't gonna change his life for me. He went to school for me and he hates the job because there's too many people but sticks with a $15 job because it's easy and its temp so he barely gets work and makes almost 30% less than me. I said to him if he wants that job at least get one similar but higher paying and a permanent full time job! There are TONS out there yet hes sticking to one thats the lowest paying job because its close to home.. they offered him permanent but he declined. I asked him how he expects to get approved for a mortgage he said we don't need to get anything fancy. We live in a VERY expensive city.. because we grew up here and he refuses to move.. with his income we would be lucky if we can even afford a 1 bedroom apartment. . I cant depend on him. I feel stress that how can I possibly get pregnant, pay for a mortgage and bills etc when he can't even afford half of our bills.. we will drown he doesn't care.
Has anyone else left their spouse - how did you do it, who did you contact, what made it easier for walking away, what about items how do you seperate? At this point I don't even csre if I leave everything in this place and go. But I feel kike if I do he won't take it seriously because I literally bought every damn item here.
Help please.
Lostgir1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
CANDC
Super Moderator
Community Support Team
Community Liaison
Chat Leader
 
CANDC's Avatar
CANDC has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,326 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
2,307 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 17, 2020 at 10:21 PM
  #2
Hi Lostgir1. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are in a contentious relationship with giant red flags that something is wrong. Have you considered getting professional help to help you cope with this situation and guide you what to do?

I cannot give advice. It is up to you what to do. If you ask me what I would do, I would say:
"Stop trying to have a baby." If you continue having intimacy, contraception may be an option to consider. If you have a baby and the relationship becomes impossible, you are faced with very difficult options.

One thing I learned, after 30 years, was I can NOT change a person that is stuck in a certain way of thinking. I heard this phrase to describe people who will not change "Do not confuse me with the facts, my mind is already made up."

I feel your stress and frustration. I think a professional may help. If the relationship falls apart then not having a baby will mean the separation will not be complicated by children. One person I know had triplets. Having children makes a bad relationship worse in my experience with other people.

These articles may be of interest
8 Early Warning Signs a Relationship Will Fail

Dealing with a Failed or Failing Relationship-The 6 Abilities You Need Right Now

Why Romantic Relationships Fail - reason #1

__________________
Super Moderator
Community Support Team

"Things Take Time"
CANDC is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 18, 2020 at 03:45 AM
  #3
Hey @lostgirl:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostgir1 View Post
Hi,
I've been with my spouse since I was 15 years old, we've been together for half of my life and we've been married for 4 years.
As we were dating, our relationship was legit a crazy Rollercoaster one second it was great the other second was horrible yet we still got married because we grew up and started compromising. We fought hard to convince everyone we loved eachother and were determined to be together regardless.
A little background on my husband - he's a introvert, he did all this research about how I should be more understanding etc because it's just who he is.
He doesn't deal with my family or friends, if we want to go out somewhere its a fight, even if i tell him weeks to months in advance. Fighting.
But if its something from his side of the family, I support him no matter what.
He doesn't go anywhere with me anymore I always go alone and I always end up in tears because I feel so embarrassed (weddings , family functions, get togethers), he is addicted to computer games - we live together but I think we spend only about 30 minutes together total in a day and im being generous. When we go for dinner, we can't even go there and have a nice evening talking bonding etc its more of a quickly order eat and let's go in and out within 1 hour.
Anytime I try communicating how I feel I'm dramatic or creating drama because I have nothing else better to do.
That seems very unfair.
Quote:
Sex has become boring more of a chore because we want to conceive a child but now I dont even care if I'm ovulating because I know my pregnancy will be **** due to stress and I dont want to harm my child in my belly or in the real world having to grow up with this type of environment. I know I was destined to be a mother. I've always wanted children but I cant sacrifice my happiness for some superficial love and screw me and my future children over for the sake of having children.
Please stop trying to get pregnant and begin birth control again. It is not time to have children and you know he wont change. I would hate for you to, in a moment of weakness, get pregnant thinking it will all work out. Then you bring a baby into an unstable environment. He is not capable of being there for you, he sounds selfish so he definitely wont be there for his baby.
Quote:
He has major anxiety yet doesn't want to get treated for it so he smokes weed 24/7. He has to be high all day.. thats legit the only time he is tolerable.
If we go out somewhere I always have to drive and then we don't even talk.. its silence or he falls asleep.
Smoking weed all day no matter the reason blunts his emotions, makes him "couch locked" and keeps him from living in reality. I say that as someone with a medical MJ card. I do not smoke it and I use it a couple of times a week when I know my responsibilities are taken care of. Even if someone has a medical card, no doctor is going to recommend that you smoke weed all day.
Quote:
Since he was 18 he promised he would go to school get an education and a proper job that way I can depend on him to be able to pay bills etc while I care for our future children. I'm not saying he should do all the work but at least pick up the slack while I am on mat leave. Instead he waits til 31 to go to school (which is fine cuz you're never to old for education) so finally he goes he passes with distinction i am OVER the moon. He gets a job at a good company. 3 days later he wakes me up at 2 am and tells me he called them and left a message stating he quit. I am in shock. We are living with his family (seperately) we needed support while he went to school so im like hey its help right. Wrong. I feel like now he will never want to leave and this is where we are supposed to be.. and I've expressed to him say day 1 this is not my dream.
I cook, I clean, I work full time (I applied for a second job for weekends), I take care of the dog, I do everything.. he said I can waste my life on money all i want but he lives once so hes not wasting his time on materialistic things... he wants handouts he even stated we don't have to worry our parents are gonna die anyway and we'll get money. This was literally word for word.. i am super independent my family raised us all to stand up on our own two feet and hustle and be successful but i feel like im the only one whos actually hitting all my goals in life other than marriage. All he does is take out the garbage and thats an issue too. Sometimes even I do it.
What does his family say, are they ok with this?
Quote:
I told him I've had enough and I think I'm gonna leave him but when we've fought over the years I've always threatened seperation/divorce as does he but I think he thinks I'm joking.
I've already reached out to my parents asking for them to support me and help me to which they've agreed. They are my support system and I know they'll have my back.
I've told his best friend everything and I trust him not to say a word.
I've stopped wearing my wedding rings and gave it back to him which he's never asked me to put back on.
I've organized all my important documents.
I've never gotten this far before but I cant help but feel like I need to do this but im so scared.
I'm scared of regret. I'm scared ill be alone forever.
I'm not sure what to do, who to talk to or what to prepare.
I feel so alone. I'm so torn.
I really feel like he deserves to be alone.
IMO you should get out of there asap. Do not bother discussing it or telling him and expecting him to suddenly change or beg. Just leave, the less drama the better.
Quote:
He states he's happy and he isn't gonna change his life for me. He went to school for me and he hates the job because there's too many people but sticks with a $15 job because it's easy and its temp so he barely gets work and makes almost 30% less than me. I said to him if he wants that job at least get one similar but higher paying and a permanent full time job! There are TONS out there yet hes sticking to one thats the lowest paying job because its close to home.. they offered him permanent but he declined. I asked him how he expects to get approved for a mortgage he said we don't need to get anything fancy. We live in a VERY expensive city.. because we grew up here and he refuses to move.. with his income we would be lucky if we can even afford a 1 bedroom apartment. . I cant depend on him. I feel stress that how can I possibly get pregnant, pay for a mortgage and bills etc when he can't even afford half of our bills.. we will drown he doesn't care.
Has anyone else left their spouse - how did you do it, who did you contact, what made it easier for walking away, what about items how do you seperate? At this point I don't even csre if I leave everything in this place and go. But I feel kike if I do he won't take it seriously because I literally bought every damn item here.
Help please.
I have been married for 25 years and am fortunate. I do not know what it is like to leave a spouse. I have helped a couple of women leave their partners (through AA and it was an abusive relationship) and it never works when an announcement is made or they told their partners ahead of time. Since this sounds like its come up before there is no need for anymore talk about it. Find the strength to leave and begin a fulfilled life.

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 24, 2020 at 02:51 PM
  #4
You can be with someone from a young age, even love the individual but as time goes on the individual may not be the right person to have a family with and spend your life with.

Having children will not change things either and instead can make things even worse. The problem with staying in a relationship when young is you are still at a point where you have been expected to follow your parent's rules. And you are prone to becoming an enabler.

Your husband doesn't want to commit and put more effort into a career and buying a home and having a family. He doesn't want responsiblity and that isn't something you can change about him. You want more so the best thing to do is leave this relationship and become more independent and find someone else that has desires to have a family and work with you towards the same goals.
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:48 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.