I know what I need to do...maybe?

Let me start by saying...I love my husband with every fiber of my being. We met when we were 17 and began dating at 21. We dated for 9 months with a short seperation of 3 months in middle of that due to my parents not liking him. We then moved in together. During that time, he was very attentive, but liked to drink. I'm not a drinker and so it became an issue for us. I began to dread the weekends because I knew it would always start a fight if I didn't want to go out. But still, I decided to marry him. We married in 1998. After one year of marriage, we seperated because he said he wanted to be single again. That lasted for 3 months and then we got back together. Things were wonderful for many years. We had our first child in 2003. My life before my husband was a very strict upbringing. I did not do drugs, no drinking, no sex...nothing. My husband was exact opposite. He has "Been around the block" several times as you'd say. So, I was a very shy, inhibited person. Sex was ok, but never over the top and mind blowing for us. When we were both in our late 20's my husband had an incident at work that caused him to file workman's comp for a slipped disc in his back. At least that's what we thought. This would have been around 2005. Unfortunately after many failed diagnosis, it was determined that he had degenerative disc disease. There were days he could no longer get out of bed, walk or use the restroom because of the dibilitating pain. His first and only surgery was a to relieve some of the pressure that was being put on the nerves in his legs. This helped minimally. During this time, he had to leave his job because of the time he was spending away for pain and not being able to perform to expectations. This caused him to file for disability and win. He has been on full disability since 2008. Doctors began to tell him there was nothing they could do to help him since he was so young and every surgery performed would take away from his mobility. This then caused him to turn to pain management therapy. Unfortunately, these doctors that do this are only in it for the money. And I reiterate, they are in it for the money, not helping their patients. The first time he went to a pain management clinic, he came home with 8 prescriptions and not any instructions on their use. He came home with a full dose Fentanyl patch that almost killed him. Needless to say, he refused to take the meds and threw them all away. He began to supplement the pain issues by smoking marijuana. It helped tremendously. He was able to sleep. He was able to move a little better. And his anxiety was also helped. I started a new job also that same year which was a very good thing for us. I was able to be a better provider for my family with decent health care insurance and a significant pay raise that allowed us to purchase our first home and have a second child in 2010. Our life was good, until I began to notice his behaviour changes. He would go into deep depressions and stay in one room of the house for hours, days. He would become more angry. He began to yell and cause damage to our property with his hands. Once again, I begged him to go to see a doctor and try to get some help. I knew it had to do with him not being able to work and relying on my for any support. So he did and they diagnosed him as bi-polar. He began a regiment of meds and they were working well. But if anyone knows about bi-polar disorder, the patient must stay in close contact with his doctor and update meds as necessary. After two months of doing well, he went for a doctor visit and they immediately made him take a drug test. Of course, he fails for the THC and with no support, they stop the bi-polar meds. Which as we know now, you are not supposed to do. So the cycle begins again. The anger, the outbursts, the depression, all of it came back full force. After my last child was born in 2010, I gained a lot of weight and began to have severe body image depression. So add the two of us together and it was a recipe for disaster. During that time, I found out that he had begun an online relationship with another woman. It was just a friendship, but still it was unknown to me and devestating when I found out. He decided that he would remove her from his life and try to work on our relationship. We decided as a couple that I would go and have a weightloss surgery since my weight was not only causing my depression, but also was having an effect on my body breaking down ( knee surgery in 2012), and my job required lots of movement which as heavy as I was , was becoming difficult. So I had the surgery and he was there the entire time. Our life changed dramatically. I began to feel better and he made me feel better. We both were becoming happier with each other. We were nearing our 40's and we enjoyed sex very much. I had finally come out of my shell and was interested in trying things. One of the things we began to try was photography. My husband loved to take sexy pictures of me and edit them. It became a hobby of sorts, but always led to naughty sessions in the bedroom afterwards. I loved this time of our life. Then last year in March 2019, we began to explore other aspects of our sexual life. We were both interested in bringing in a third person, female, preferably for some additional fun. In April, my husband brought up that he had a friend that was interested in meeting me. They had met through a weed connection, LOL! So, I understood the implications of this meet up when it was set up. She came to our house, and we all got along well. It was strictly getting to know each other to see if this was even something we would want to pursue. Half way through this meeting I got a funny feeling. It was at that time that I did a little digging on my phone while them two were talking. When she left that night, I hugged her and told her that I'd love to have her back again. Then I took my husband to our room and asked him how long the affair had been going on. It was the same woman from 2 years ago. I was hurt obviously, but in a way, I felt a relief. I liked her after getting to meet her. My husband was quite noticably worried, and assured me that there was no affair. They had become friends...actually best friends. So, I decided to give this a try. Why, you ask? Because I loved my husband and I could tell that if I didn't try this and see if it was something we both could enjoy together, then he would most likely go behind my back and have that affair I was so afraid of. So April 19, we invited our friend into our sexual relationship. Little did I know what would happen from there. As we got to know her, she would spend more and more time with us. She was going through a very rough, abusive divorce of 25+ years, 5 children together, 4 of which still lived at home with her. We thought that by moving her in with us, being as we had a huge house with plenty of room, it would work out great. She could help with expenses as the economy was tanking that year and we were behind on our mortgage. Her children could live with us, like I said, big house so it was perfect. But then things started to change after that first month. The fights began. My husband began to ignore me and pay more attention to her. He said that I had the security of my marriage with him and I knew he loved me. She didn't have that and needed extra attention going through a divorce. In effect, she needed him more than I did. But in all reality, I needed him more than ever because I needed to be assured that I was still the wife and he loved me. My husband had stopped sleeping in a normal bed several years before and because I worked shift work, I stayed in the bed. He slept mostly on a couch in living room. She began to sleep on the couch with him and it hurt me to see that. During that time, my job duties changed to a regular work week and no more night shifts. So during the day, they would spend all their time together and at nights it was supposed to be them spending time with me. Instead, I began to see that they would leave me alone and go to the living room and get on couch to watch movies together. Never inviting me. The fighting began in earnest during this time as well. We obviously were jealous of each other and putting him in the middle. It was a powder keg ready to explode. I went into a deep depression from June to September. During that time, we had three televisions broken, two doors broken in, cops called twice, CPS called in to investigate us and my heart ripped to shreads after one night of drunken hysterics from her and hearing things that should have been never said. So I made the decision to get out of there for mine and my children's sanity. I rented a small two bedroom house about 5 minutes away and told my husband that he needed to fix what was broken with him and figure out a way for her to get back on her own. That was in October of last year. From October till December, they quit paying on my beautiful home which I eventually lost to foreclosure. At that point, it didn't matter to me because it had really become her home, not mine anymore. She had changed everything in that little bit of time we lived together to fit her needs. See, it was like this as told to us by my husband. Your job is to go to work and bring home the bacon. Her job was to cook and clean the house and take care of kids. His job was to maintain the home and vehicles. You'd think that is great but no, it became my prison. In January, after the foreclosure, they moved in together at my dismay. I felt like I died because I didn't see it coming. I thought that once the house fell through, he'd come back to me. But no. They moved into a one bedroom loft apartment and when Covid hit, her children had to stay with them along with my youngest son. From February till May, they lived together. During that time it was some of the worst fights I had ever heard about from my child. Things were broken, cops called again, neighbors calling complaining. Then in June, she left. He came back to me. And it was wonderful. He said they were just going to remain friends and hopefully just move on. But something in me knew that it wasn't over by a long shot. In July, my husband convinced me to move into a bigger, more expensive apartment. And I did for him, thinking we are finally going to move forward. We were again, having a great relationship. He was home with me and our kids. We were living as husband and wife, once again enjoying the sexual side of our relationship. He began taking pictures of me again. He would touch me, hold me, everything I wanted, was back. But still, something was different. He still would talk to her and they would fight on the phone. She moved about 30 minutes away and she would constantly come back to our town and pick him up while I was at work. I was fine with that, but then it got to where it would be over night because she said she was scared to be alone. Her kids by this time had been taken away from her because of her current situation...no job, infideility and drug issues (Weed). Then all of the sudden, after being in our new place less than one month, he up and leaves and moves back in with her in our town in a downtown loft that they said they were going to start a business together. Once again, I was left bereft and devestated. How was I going to make it in a more expensive place and once again broken hearted. Well, once again, they didn't last and she left him again, one month into their rental. He called me and asked if I'd help him move again. I love him, so I rushed to him and let him back into my home. She went back up North where she is from and stayed for a month. She was going to come back into town and try to see her children. She asked him if he'd stay with her while she was in town. I at first was a little pissed that she asked that, but I trusted my husband that what he said was true and they were going to remain friends and just that. So he picked her up from the airport and took her to a hotel where she would be able to get her kids and see them. During that weekend, her ex refused to let her see her children. I'm sure she was saddened, but then, she tells my husband she has no way to get back up North and also, no where to stay. I'm sorry, but in all this time, her and I haven't talked and I tried to be sympathetic towards her plight. But I also understood the pressure she was putting on my husband to be there for her. So he set up a room for her at his brother's house until she could figure out what to do. That took a week. A week where he spent the entire time with her. Yes, days and nights. I wasn't happy, but he assured me that it was because she didn't know his brother and wife and it was only to make her feel more at home. One week later, she packed up her vehicle and left again for up north. My husband came home and we resumed our normal lives again. And then, three weeks ago, out of the blue, she messages me on Facebook while I was at work and asks if I would call her and we could talk. At first, I was like, of course. I'd missed her. I wanted to see how she was doing, because according to him, she was doing good. She was getting her life back on track. Had a job lined up, her dad was helping her with a new lawyer to try to get some rights back to her kids. But then I called her and my world flipped. At first, she was fired up that she thought he was backstabbing her and had stolen her identity. (She had given him access to her credit card and online accounts because she thought, because he's the man, he needed to have that) But anyway, she accused him of being unfaithful to me with other women other than her, of doing drugs other than marijuana, and also saying that him and I had a purely platonic relationship and we only coexisted together for our children. Obviously, he was lying to us both. I kind of had a feeling that was happening anyway since he didn't want us talking to each other this entire time anyway. She told me that she was in love with him. He was the only man she wanted to be with and that he felt the same way about her. I cried on the phone with her because he was telling me something else. We were both heartbroken that he could still be doing this to us. We both wanted this to be over with. He can't keep us both dangling along. During this time as well, I had noticed that he was more agitated than usual. He would pace and was smoking a lot more than usual. I just figured it was still so much he was dealing with. So I suggested he take a trip with my oldest child and get away for a little while. Just clear his head. At first, it was a good idea. Then out of the blue, she shows back up in town and once again, he runs to her. I ask her what is going on because now that we were talking again, without him knowing, why after everything she had said he'd done to her, would she want anything to do with him. Her kids were not allowed around him because of his temper from living together earlier. And then a bombshell...she offers him a trip to Florida, free of charge, to go with her and stay at a friends for a week. I flipped out. What!!! And so, I question her. What are you up to? Why? And she says, it's because I love him. I want him with me, she says. And if he goes with me to Florida, then he's my man. We will be posting pictures of us a couple and when we get back, we have made plans to go to San Diego for Thanksgiving to visit her oldest child and grandchild. I am completely floored. This is the first I've heard of it. So I confronted him. I told him that her and I had been talking and that we both knew he was lying to each of us. He of course got very angry and I ended up with a busted door and window. He's never laid hands on me, but that day, he grabbed me by my throat and I had never seen this man before. He wasn't my husband that day. I asked him to leave. He left and the next day he was gone to Florida. I sent him one text that it hurt that he would do that to me and his kids...he didn't say bye to us...and that I wouldn't be contacting him while he was gone. He was gone one week and came back this past Thursday. He did not come home. He went back to his brother's where him and her are staying as of right now still. I asked him to come over that Saturday so we could talk and figure out where to go from here. I assumed that he had chose her, according to her words. If he went, then they were together. He comes to our home and I can tell he's tired. He's hurting from the long drive and obviously he's had a lot on his mind. It was not a relaxing trip. He asks if we can talk another day, and I say of course. I'm just tired myself because I knew it was the end this time. He asks if he could shower and then he'd leave. I said that was fine. But as soon as he got out of the shower, he immediately began talking. It was like he couldn't wait either. But what came out of his mouth was nothing like what I expected. As he began to talk, I realized that he had no clue about anything she said. He didn't know how she felt. He didn't know about the posting as a couple. I thought, he's lying again. But then when I mentioned the San Diego trip, he looked at me funny and then it clicked. He knew she was lying to me too. But why. What did she have to gain by doing this? Was she trying to hurt me? I at first didn't want to tell him anymore of what she said because it would only cause more issues for him with her and that was what I was trying to avoid in first place. But I couldn't let the drug issue go. I had to know if he was doing something that could be potentially a problem for me and our family. So I asked. He said that yes, he had tried the drug a few times. I told him what she had said...that he brought it up to her and wanted her to try it with him and that he continues to use the drug still. He was very upset and said that wasn't true. She is the one who asked and no he was not still doing it. At least not in our home. He also was not aware that she had said that the trip to Florida was a decision to be with her. He left our home again that night with a lot on his mind...but even after all the lies she told, he still went back to be with her. During this week, he has said that she will be leaving Friday (tomorrow) for San Diego. I do not know if he plans on going with her. But we haven't talked in two days either. When he was over the last time, he was very agitated again, pacing floor and almost like he wanted to start a fight with me, but I wouldn't engage.

I'm so scared for him. I love him with everything in me, but I can't do this anymore. I have no contact with her since that day before they left for Florida. I now understand that she is a very sick person who also needs mental health and emotional support. But I'm also very angry with her for her part in possibly ruining my marriage. I'm confused and don't know where to turn. I'm only here today, because I don't know how to deal with talking about a divorce, the support I would provide him if there were to be a divorce, the emotional toil it will have on my children. And most of all, on me and him.

Thank you to anyone who reads my story and can relate to it. I welcome any comments and would really like to connect with others in similar situations. I think it will help me cope with things better if there are others out there who have went through this.

These people clearly do not care about you. All you do is allow both your husband and his other woman use you. You have no boundaries. You let them walk all over you.

There is no Love in this mess and no respect towards you. You don’t even have self respect because if you did you would have never let these people use you and abuse you.

Also you are constantly being gaslighted and manipulated.

Oh @PinkLeaves the writing was probably on the wall a long time ago but it must have been so hard. Have you considered therapy? There is a reason we choose people who hurt us over and over and therapy would help you understand that and disentangle yourself from them. This is not a good environment for your kids and its sort of holding your life hostage to whatever whims they have. What drug was tried? Was it something other than weed?

There is no way either of them will change and I really think you need to think about that. There has been plenty of opportunity for them to change and they havent. I think the sooner you come to terms with that the sooner you can heal and move on.

Given that you began your relationship with your husband so young, neither of you had experienced other relationships. So you got pretty emeshed in each other unknowingly. We grow through experiencing different relationships, we learn and grow as a person. From what you descibed you did not experience enough life lessons from experiencing different relationships and as a result you did not learn more about boundaries.

Then the two of you being bored which can happen invited a stranger in for both of you and all it did was create a huge mess for both of you. Your husband doesn't have boundaries with this woman and neither did you and this woman used both of you and she has problems herself. So it's as though there really was no adult and more mature presence in the mess.

No one has any boundaries, it's just a mish mash of who is more lost.

Also, your husband is escaping through drugs and that makes an already bad situation worse. This woman has been a very bad influence. You need to cut them loose and get your own life together. And see a therapist that can help you with that. You really need to get out of this toxic triangle for your own mental health.

I'm trying that. The therapist thing. But they are only seeing my side of story. I've begged him to go, but he won't.

PinkLeaves, this has been a long time problem for you with your husband where you have to do the work. It's time to drop the dead weight he has been for you and finally focus on yourself. You have become way too codepent and you need to finally learn how to let go and take care of yourself. You can't help him either, he has to want to get help himself and he isn't showing any interest in doing that, hasn't for a very long time, years actually.

I don’t think you can change him, he is an addict with violent tendencies, and you sure cannot change her. They are a mess. He sure isn’t a catch to fight over him with other women. You have your own life to live. Away from these two. Keep seeing a therapist and start looking into your options re divorce. Look up lawyers in your area