[Oryan]

I am most likely in a super small minority being an older man who thinks I may have anorexia. I don't have all the classic signs like the young girls. The biggest sign is this underlying fear of gaining weight... kind of subconteous that comes on when I see my weight average going up.

This fear not only drives me to eat less and skip meals but gives me will power beyond measure to walk right by cookies and chocolate and donuts without any kind of temptation.

I went on a small diet a couple years ago after a couple pairs of pants buttons popped off.... middle age spread coming on. I hit 141, the highest recorded weight ever. I refused to let this happen. So I lost 15 pounds and was satisfied being at 127 and kept it off for 6 months. Then my weight average went up one pound and "bang" Nooo! got a shot of fear and been on a downward spiral since.

I am averaging 119.5 right now, hitting weight readings between 117.5 and 121.5 depending on hydration and the last time I used the bathroom...eating... whatever.

I love the way I look. I'm not like the young girls who look at their boney little body and still think thier fat. For me, its just an underlying fear to gain weight and I ask myself when or at what weight is the fear of the dehibilatating side affects of anorexia going to out weigh the fear of gaining weight... so I can pig out without feeling guilty or thinking I need to then skip my next meal. I kind of chuckle at this but I'm sure this isn't funny. I'm amazed at how little I can eat and make it through the day just fine.

Oryan

I am not a doctor... I would urge you to seek out some help from a therapist or a doctor...

I do have an ED.

Catching an eating disorder, as soon as, you can is the best thing that you can do for yourself...

If you look at some of the posts in this forum - there is one that was recent that had a great deal of good advice...

The effects of an ED are long term and devastating - the post that I am referring to went thru that in detail. If you are talking about "pig out" and having an "underlying fear to gain weight" - that indicates to me there is a real problem. Really having a very long term ED can do damage to your body that you aren't aware of... until it is too late to fix it..

sincerely,
freewill

fyi,,, "boney little body'' - a little senistivity goes a long way.. and is greatly appreciated,,,

I wish you the best...

[Oryan]

The biggest reason for posting here is to see if by chance there may be other men like me. I assume we men and women think differently so this anorexia thing is going to be caused by some different sort of mentality. I've been going through my head as to the "why?".

This is called an eating disorder but I see it as a "state of mind" seeing I have no problem with eating. I have a mental problem.... a "fat phobia" which may be a better term to fit me personally.

My wife thinks I'm too boney. I think I look just perfect at this peticular point. I've been watching myself since the end of last summer when this all started. I finally admitted to myself that, yea, I think I have anorexia or I certainly acting like one.

I'm looking at two pictured of myself, one when I was 125 last Sept. and second at 120, Jan. after getting well into working out. The difference of me buffed and unbuffed...wow! But also more noticably getting boney... chiseled looking.

Oh yea, and I haven't said a thing to my wife for fear of her reaction. Oh one night she actually looked at me and flipped. " Your...your a bean pole!... You look anorexia!" was her exact words. "You need to gain like 10 pounds! How much do you weight?" So I said and at the time, "122." She flips, says my name... "You look like a stick!" Well, oh well. So I just keep this all to myself... pig out in front of her and deprive myself later... she just can't figure it out.

Oryan

safe ((((hugggsss))))) ) it must be so very difficult.... I met a young man that was a recovering anerioic - it was so very hard for him because he felt that there wasn't anyone he could relate too...

Is there anyway you could consider going to a therapist and get some professional support.....it might help to have someone to talk to...

we're here for you...

Sincerely,
freewill

[desperado]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
but gives me will power beyond measure to walk right by cookies and chocolate and donuts without any kind of temptation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

oryan:

does your life feel out of control? does saying no to food give you a sense of power &/or control? is controlling your food intake & exercise feulling these feelings?

smthngs to ponder, that may help you...............

i remember the very 1st time my anorexia began........................someone in my "family" hurt me greatly.............................i was incredibly hurt and soooooooooooooooooo furiously angry..................a bunch of us went out to eat @ swiss chalet (one of my all-time fave restaurants)..............................i was absolutely famished; however, i just REFUSED to eat anything...................................

i remember thinking, "you may have hurt me very very badly, but there's no way in hell that you can make me eat".....................................i was 9 or 10 yrs old.........................................................all about control.

my advice: seek out a therapist & support grps.

((((hugs)))) deperado....

[Oryan]

Hi Desperado,

I could write a book about myself but in forums like this everyone gets pieces-parts. Here's a little more history on me for this anarexia thing.

Root Cause:
When my dad turned 40 and I distinctly remember that birthday, I was 9. For what ever reason I remember his noticing his own gain in weight as he was getting quite the belly on him. He had already been on blood pressure medicine since he was 36. With basic understanding genetics at that time, I knew that in time, I'd be looking like him and for what ever reason, that wasn't appealing. At that time, I must have burned in my mind or put this in the back of my head that I would watch for this to start happening of course not wanting this to happen. For the next 28 years, I had stayed thin from just being an active person and some of my jobs. I was only semi weight conteous and never payed much attention cause my weight was always low... 125-133.

Trigger:
Recently, I had been maintaining 130-133 for quite some time in my upper 20's to mid 30's but then when I hit 35, my weight started to creep up.... 135 then 138. I started cutting a couple things out of my diet but when my weight touched 141.... Bang!.... Noooooo! A couple buttons had popped off my pants in a short period. That was it. I went on a diet... well, I changed my diet habits <-- the smart thing.

Hair Trigger:
I was happy getting back down to 127 and maintained that for 6 months. Even at that time my wife wanted me to gain back 5 pounds. I am keeping a daily log of my moring weight watching my weight average in a constant state of flux in a spreadsheet graph. When my weight average slowly but surely started to creep up and especially over a 2 week vacation to which I lost my controled daily routine, this sudden deep down fear struck and I started going to an extreem and re-lost that pound plus a couple more. I would even out for a couple weeks and when ever my average when back up a half pound, fear would come on again and I would loose one to two more pounds again. The downward spiral started. I even started fasting one or two meals on the weekends. I would have a very small breakfast with my wife and then skip lunch and not eat or drink some times till she got home from work.

Fears:
Like fear of heights, or stage fright, or clausterphobia or arachniphobia, this fat phobia, I need to treat the same way as I did with stage fright. I have to face this fear willingly on my own. I am a cadet counselor at my church and it took 2 years to get over the stage fright I had every cadet night. Now I go over and teach my cadet class without a thought. I have to follow the same principle with this fear I have now. I have to push myself to eat normaly every meal and talk my subconteous into believing I am too thin... that it's ok to gain some weight back. That's kind of hard when you love the way you look as it is. My self perception may be unrealistic at the moment.... I think I'm just fine when actually I'm too skinny... but I'm blinded at the moment and can't see that. At least for me, I don't look in the mirror and think I look fat. My attempt at gaining weight by building muscle failed as I seem to be buring more fat than what I gained in muscle. I might look like a stick like my wife says but I'm a buffed stick.

There is more to me and more factors that affect all this but I can't think of them all at once. I just need some moral support as I fearfully eat a little more and hope I can handle putting some meat on my bones.

Thanks for the replies Desperodo and Freewill.

Oryan