[88Butterfly88]

I bought a box of candy today that had three servings of candy in the box. I said I was going to eat one serving a day but I ate the whole box in about half an hour. So much for being healthy.

[Blueberrybook]

Put on a pretty shirt I rediscovered in my closet this morning. I was going to wear it today while my daughter & I visited my sister & my 3 nieces. Before leaving, I caught a glipsme of my back (double mirrors in our bedroom). The shirt had a cutout in the back, and I looked and thought, "OMG, if I wear that, my sister will totally freak out." Because yeah, you could tell I was obviously way, way too thin. I've got to start gaining or even maintaining at this point. I'm lucky I not having other problems; still have my period (started my cycle today), no hair loss, fainting, dizziness, weakness, heart problems, etc. But I'm really starting to get freak-out thin.

[half_awakexx]

Went to my sister's for dinner. I could feel the anxiety and guilt building up even before I ate anything. I managed to eat relatively okay. I did pick through the food a bit and turned down a slice of cake. This whole voice in my head thing is annoying, yet at the same time I kind of like it because it's motivation to lose weight. I keep thinking over what my therapist asked yesterday, if I believe I have an eating disorder. She said you can be any weight and still exhibit signs of disordered eating.
-sigh-
Anyway, thinking of y'all and sending good vibes.

[toomanycats]

I was surprised that I was able to keep up at the gym this morning with the caloric deficit I have going.

I'm frustrated, because strength training is messing with the scale. I feel like I should be seeing a lower number, but it's stubbornly not moving. I blame the 3x a week strength training. But I also love the training... and I'm caught in a catch-22 of "I want to do well at training, so I have to eat" vs. "I have to have to have to get to a lower number, so I can't eat."

My individual therapist has really really really triggered me... I was doing well, but now I'm doing horribly. I told him that my dietician is encouraging me towards intuitive eating, and he (individaul therapist) said he is very skeptical of this. He doesn't trust me -- not because he just thinks I'll UNDEReat, but because he also worries I'll OVEReat. He said I DO have to be concerned about gaining a bunch of weight/getting fat again...because I've been obese in the past.

Parts of me feel in so many different directions.

Shame...a lot of shame...at ever having been obese. Self-hatred for it. The thought that I will never be able to escape it -- I must wear my former obesity like a scarlet letter. Once obese, always a lazy, incompetent person who lacks self control.

The ED part wants to starve and is convinced that if I were just thin enough, he wouldn't say these things. That if I was thin enough, he would tell me not to worry about gaining/getting fat. The ED part has a new goal...the ED part wants my therapist to want me to gain weight. And has some ridiculous goals...like passing out during training at the gym, because apparently that will mean it's working hard enough. The ED part even wants my personal trainer to want me to gain some fat. ...The ED part makes me feel so much shame as this all sounds so attention-seeking.

I think the rational adult me is just angry. How dare he tell me that I should worry about gaining weight/getting fat? How dare he? He has NEVER KNOWN ME overweight. He has NEVER KNOWN ME to overeat. It has been YEARS since I was that person. How dare he still hold that over my head when he has no evidence that that's what would happen? ALL HE HAS in his own experience of me is evidence that I will undereat OR eat normally and maintain my weight. How dare he tell me I need to go to a nutritionist/dietician for my nutrition advice and then back-track and spout skepticism and tell me "well, I didn't recommend this dietician." How dare he outsource my care and then back peddle when it's not what he in his self-confessed "untrained in nutrition" brain expected the dietician to say? How DARE he tell a client with an eating disorder that she should be worried about gaining weight?

I have group therapy today, and I am fairly certain my group therapists (both ED specialists) will be appalled when I tell him what's been said. I don't want to see them appalled... I don't want to be told that I should work with someone else.

My individual therapist is like a father to me, and I am caught up in a reenactment of my own awful relationship with my actual dad. I don't feel I can be OK without having worked through this once and for all.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I was surprised that I was able to keep up at the gym this morning with the caloric deficit I have going.

I'm frustrated, because strength training is messing with the scale. I feel like I should be seeing a lower number, but it's stubbornly not moving. I blame the 3x a week strength training. But I also love the training... and I'm caught in a catch-22 of "I want to do well at training, so I have to eat" vs. "I have to have to have to get to a lower number, so I can't eat."

My individual therapist has really really really triggered me... I was doing well, but now I'm doing horribly. I told him that my dietician is encouraging me towards intuitive eating, and he (individaul therapist) said he is very skeptical of this. He doesn't trust me -- not because he just thinks I'll UNDEReat, but because he also worries I'll OVEReat. He said I DO have to be concerned about gaining a bunch of weight/getting fat again...because I've been obese in the past.

Parts of me feel in so many different directions.

Shame...a lot of shame...at ever having been obese. Self-hatred for it. The thought that I will never be able to escape it -- I must wear my former obesity like a scarlet letter. Once obese, always a lazy, incompetent person who lacks self control.

The ED part wants to starve and is convinced that if I were just thin enough, he wouldn't say these things. That if I was thin enough, he would tell me not to worry about gaining/getting fat. The ED part has a new goal...the ED part wants my therapist to want me to gain weight. And has some ridiculous goals...like passing out during training at the gym, because apparently that will mean it's working hard enough. The ED part even wants my personal trainer to want me to gain some fat. ...The ED part makes me feel so much shame as this all sounds so attention-seeking.

I had that too when I was in college, the ED part of me wanting ridiculous things, like to be forced to be hospitalized. And it was so happy when I lost my period. It was devastated when my period returned on gaining weight. Yeah, the ED brain thinks stupid stuff.

[Blueberrybook]

I didn't exercise this morning and feel guilty about it. I woke up with a slightly upset stomach, I'm not sure why. It's gotten better though. Now, it's too hot to exercise outside. I just have to accept it. My BMI is down past underweight; I shouldn't even be thinking about exercise, but such is the ED brain.

I'm also on period day 2 - the suckiest day of my cycle ever, and did it really need to show up early I have God-awful cramps, and because of that ulcer surgery, I can never take NSAIDs again. So I'm stuck with Tylenol, which never helps.

I'm also a little anxious about my sister. She is having ACL surgery today, and I haven't heard any news of how she's doing.

I'm going to work on reading more of my book for my book club this month. I need to relax. It will get chaotic soon. It's my daughter's first day of school, and she's sure to come home with one of those huge dreaded packets for parents to fill out.

I just had chinese takeout

it was nice, but very very filling...

[Blueberrybook]

My sister made it through surgery OK, but I know little else about how she is doing right now.

My daughter had a good first day of 5th grade although her math teacher had the kids make up math problems to answer common "getting to know you" type questions with numbers - siblings, pets, etc. I sure hope she's not going to pass out their sheets to other students to solve because my daughter was writing things like "My favorite number is between 3 & 4." Her current favorite number is pi. Writing algebra equations or saying it was this number written in binary or hexadecimal or the number is the square root of some number. She is gifted & talented, and math is her best subject. She's in a dual language Spanish/English program in her school, and she has many classmates with Spanish as a first language who struggle with English already, on top of getting slammed with a bunch of math terms they never heard of. I would not be at all surprised if her math teacher sends me an email about her soon. I already told the teacher she loves math & it's her best subject, though her grades are high even in her worst subject. She reads at a 12th grade level, so I had to email the language arts teacher to ask her to assign a reading level lower than 12th grade, so my daughter can find books in the school library and so she can read fiction books dealing with things a 10 year old girl would like to read about, such as things happening to kids in middle school, not high school love stories or vampires. My daughter is a bit of a quirky one and quite the parenting challenge as she has tons of sensory issues.

Dinner was OK. I generally eat normally; it's just I overexercise and don't eat enough calories to combat that. There is also the complication that I did have to have surgery for that perforated ulcer and the surgery or the Protonix I'm supposed to take for my stomach can cause vitamin & fat malabsorption issues. So maybe that contributes, who knows?

[half_awakexx]

Managed to make it to the gym this morning. I did about half an hour of cardio (all that I could really give). My app on my phone keeps reminding me to track my meals for the day. I haven't eaten much. The eating disorder part of my brain is cheering me on and the other part is telling me that I need to cut it out. It's hard. I finally weighed myself this morning and wasn't too thrilled with the scale. It seems when I drop one self-destructive habit I go for another one (ie: drinking). This is almost similar to the time 4 years ago when I stopped drinking and eventually stopped eating.

On a positive note, I got a lot of things done today. I went to the DMV to license my vehicle, helped move items for my parent's garage sale this week and went to the dentist. Today was my day off from work which was nice. I was able to relax and enjoy some down time this evening.

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

I bought a box of candy today that had three servings of candy in the box. I said I was going to eat one serving a day but I ate the whole box in about half an hour. So much for being healthy.

try not to worry too much.

I have a 1 kelo bag of fruit slices here (fruit jellies from america), all ready half empty- and I've only had it for what... an hour

yesterday I filled myself up with junk food, became really unwell (I felt really ill), and in sted of stopping I decided to order a chinese takeaway- knowing full well that I didn't need it

it was nice, but that isn't the point

eating a lot of candy today

I feel bad too for ordering 30 (yes, 30), really big bottles of coca cola

oh well it's done now and it's being delivered

[Blue_Bird]

I'm doing well. It's been a week without bingeing or purging. I've been eating pretty healthy. I am running very low on food cause of all the spending on binge food earlier in the month, which is gone of course, so I got a list of food pantries from my case manager and am going to be going to one next week. I'm excited because I have some turkey burgers thawing, which should be good.

[half_awakexx]

I feel so gosh darn guilty. It's ridiculous. I've only had breakfast and yet I can't stop obsessing over the little I ate during that time. It's like I've sinned or something.

[Blueberrybook]

I've had a horrible day today, and that's affected my eating. I ran way to far this morning, and had a panic attack over an hour long. I couldn't even eat lunch, I was so panicky. I posted about all that in the bipolar forum though and don't feel like repeating myself, so you can go there should you care.

[Blueberrybook]

Managed a protein bar this afternoon and dinner, but dinner only because I have I family I have to prepare meals for. Leftover cheese tortillini with sauce & salad. Even added Parmesan cheese to the sauce and salad & used dressing (albeit light dressing).

Still not feeling that great. I'm in a bad place mentally with the bipolar and am starting to suspect I may be entering into a mixed episode. I absolutely HATE those.

I called and moved my psychiatrist appointment from Sept. 5 to Monday (my pdoc doesn't have Friday appointments). I also managed to get an appointment with my PCP, on Monday too, just to check in, ask if there are any tests she needs or recommends. I just saw her in June for a wellness checkup, but I lost enough weight since then for the PA to freak out when I saw him a couple weeks ago for a UTI. Granted, he is new to the practice and looked young, but on the other hand, I need to talk to my PCP and maybe get her to talk to my pdoc as well (as the ED thing isn't a big issue so far with him). She knows him; she said so at my appointment with her in June. I have been seeing her for 14 years (though not through my absolute rock bottom lowest weight; I lived in a different town then), and she did see me through a pretty bad relapse around 2015. I would like to have the 2 of them on the same page. When I see the pdoc, I am going to re-request that he talk a bit more about my case with my retiring pdoc (saw her 10 years). He has access to her notes, but she handwrote her notes, and her writing is miniscule and hard to read. She is still at the practice, fewer days now, but still seeing existing patients until they settle in with a new doctor.

[eskielover]

Remember Cin.....to allow pdoc & MD to talk with each other release forms have to be filled out bevause of HIPPA. They can't talk to each other even if they know each other without your written consent. (from personal experience the last time my anorexia was bad in 2005).

Turned out my MD said....I will ONLY take care of your medical needs when it comes to the anorexia (IV nutrition & need to be medically hospitalized) he said my pdoc needed to take care of the psych issues involved. He drew the dividing line & really didn't seem to see the need to communicate with my pdoc. However when I was medically hospitalized for several months he did call in the hospitals staff pdoc & psychologist to see me almost daily.

pretty much the same as yesterday.

set myself a goal of not overeating junkfood, and I'm overeating massively

4 bags of candy at one go at the moment.. I know

[Blueberrybook]

I didn't exercise this morning. ED thoughts have me hating myself.

[half_awakexx]

Still battling my thoughts. I wish the weight would just come off me. My clothes are feeling a bit more loose now, but nowhere I want to be. It's like a ping pong game, just back and forth bull. I know what I'm doing is not healthy and not the right way to lose weight, but at the same time I can't help it. I give up one destructive habit for another. I can't win.