[LucyD]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I was surprised that I was able to keep up at the gym this morning with the caloric deficit I have going.

I'm frustrated, because strength training is messing with the scale. I feel like I should be seeing a lower number, but it's stubbornly not moving. I blame the 3x a week strength training. But I also love the training... and I'm caught in a catch-22 of "I want to do well at training, so I have to eat" vs. "I have to have to have to get to a lower number, so I can't eat."

My individual therapist has really really really triggered me... I was doing well, but now I'm doing horribly. I told him that my dietician is encouraging me towards intuitive eating, and he (individaul therapist) said he is very skeptical of this. He doesn't trust me -- not because he just thinks I'll UNDEReat, but because he also worries I'll OVEReat. He said I DO have to be concerned about gaining a bunch of weight/getting fat again...because I've been obese in the past.

Parts of me feel in so many different directions.

Shame...a lot of shame...at ever having been obese. Self-hatred for it. The thought that I will never be able to escape it -- I must wear my former obesity like a scarlet letter. Once obese, always a lazy, incompetent person who lacks self control.

The ED part wants to starve and is convinced that if I were just thin enough, he wouldn't say these things. That if I was thin enough, he would tell me not to worry about gaining/getting fat. The ED part has a new goal...the ED part wants my therapist to want me to gain weight. And has some ridiculous goals...like passing out during training at the gym, because apparently that will mean it's working hard enough. The ED part even wants my personal trainer to want me to gain some fat. ...The ED part makes me feel so much shame as this all sounds so attention-seeking.

I think the rational adult me is just angry. How dare he tell me that I should worry about gaining weight/getting fat? How dare he? He has NEVER KNOWN ME overweight. He has NEVER KNOWN ME to overeat. It has been YEARS since I was that person. How dare he still hold that over my head when he has no evidence that that's what would happen? ALL HE HAS in his own experience of me is evidence that I will undereat OR eat normally and maintain my weight. How dare he tell me I need to go to a nutritionist/dietician for my nutrition advice and then back-track and spout skepticism and tell me "well, I didn't recommend this dietician." How dare he outsource my care and then back peddle when it's not what he in his self-confessed "untrained in nutrition" brain expected the dietician to say? How DARE he tell a client with an eating disorder that she should be worried about gaining weight?

I have group therapy today, and I am fairly certain my group therapists (both ED specialists) will be appalled when I tell him what's been said. I don't want to see them appalled... I don't want to be told that I should work with someone else.

My individual therapist is like a father to me, and I am caught up in a reenactment of my own awful relationship with my actual dad. I don't feel I can be OK without having worked through this once and for all.

Not sure if you've been here before and if you have been sorry..I have not been here a lot over the past several months. So from me:

managed to eat my dinner.

average dinner, but after what i've eaten today it's a good thing I could eat it

[half_awakexx]

Haven't had anything since this morning. I can't fathom eating anything else. It's frustrating how much my mind has taken over. I should have seen this coming, but it completely blindsided me. I was having disordered thoughts about eating awhile ago and it's been building ever since. Now that I've laid off the alcohol, this is what I replaced it with.

..... and the same

set myself a goal of eating less junkfood- I'm actually eating more

4 bags of chips, 2 bags of candy and some cookies

[LucyD]

Had a bad night last night. One of my family members is moving out of state and for good. I was very sad and ate a lot. I slept over 12 hours. Felt down at first today but now feel okay more or less having me coffee.

[half_awakexx]

I caved and got a pizza last night. At first I didn't give a flying flip, but then I realized I screwed up by eating a few slices and for the first time in quite awhile, purged. My fitness app is still telling me to log my calories for this morning and afternoon.

I think come Tuesday, when I have my therapy appointment, I'm going to talk more about this with my therapist. She even asked me if I believed I had an eating disorder, which I flat out denied I did. Of course, I know better.

[LucyD]

I used to purge many years ago to keep from gaining weight. I came to a realization one day that I was hurting myself doing this for some reason. In time the reason became apparent to me and it made me stop doing it. I have tried several times since I quit to purge and it won't work for me anymore. Nothing comes up. So now I am quite overweight but losing still even though it is not happening as fast as I'd like. I just have to accept this process is slow but I guess that's okay. I have days when I give in and eat like there is no tomorrow. Then I have days when I can tell myself I'll have the next serving tomorrow.

[LucyD]

[Blueberrybook]

I'm feeling so guilty and bad about myself. I only did half of my normal exercise. My husband's friends brought over fried chicken, and I ate a biscuit, wing, and most of a thigh. Not to mention, I snacked on butter pecan ice cream in the afternoon. Breakfast and lunch were pretty normal.

I know I need to gain weight. Why do I feel guilty doing the right thing to help be a good support and role model for my 10 yr. old daughter?

Granted, that wasn't the healthiest meal in the world, and I hope I won't pay for it later (ulcer surgery does not seem fond of fatty foods). And I don't know why I worry. I think the surgery that had to do makes it harder for my body to absorb fat. It was a bit abnormal, due to my having a high muscle to fat ratio; I was a low normal weight at the time and had been that weight over a year without ED behaviors. The gastro-enterologist constantly points out that I was lucky to survive a perforated ulcer (happened because I was clueless I even had an ulcer - caused by a bacterial infection & use of NSAIDs but I had no symptoms, unlike most people with ulcers). The doctor told me part of this surgery the trauma surgeons had to do was akin to getting a gastric sleeve (which a person with an ED really doesn't need). The ED thoughts though, were always lurking in the background at that normal weight. I just didn't act on them.

Tomorrow we'll all be eating healthier. It's not that I cook super healthy meas and count calories. I don't count calories at all. Most of the meals I cook at home just tend to be better for you than fast food. It's the rare couple of days a month my husband's friends come over to do role playing games with him that we eat an unhealthy dinner.

for breakfast today I had a bacon sandwich (which I admit, is a bit too much for breakfast), but had it anyway

still really sstruggling with overeating

barely 11 A.M and I'm on the candy

[Blueberrybook]

Ran too much again this morning without having anything but coffee with a splash of creamer before hand. I'm having yogurt now though and will soon make lunch.

I have to plan meals for the week and make a shopping list for tomorrow. Even with a list, I always forget things.

[half_awakexx]

Almost 1 o'clock and I haven't had anything to eat yet. The rational side of my brain is telling me to at least have a little of something, but the other side, the eating disorder part wants nothing to do with it. I ended up purging again last night. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another pound. The battery in my scale is dying and I need to replace the batteries. Maybe I won't. I could do without the scale.

Just trying to pass the time now by writing here and playing video games. I know come Tuesday, I'm going to be face to face with my therapist and this will no doubt be brought up. We touched on it last week and it was the first time I went into detail about my past eating disorder.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by half_awakexx

Almost 1 o'clock and I haven't had anything to eat yet. The rational side of my brain is telling me to at least have a little of something, but the other side, the eating disorder part wants nothing to do with it. I ended up purging again last night. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another pound. The battery in my scale is dying and I need to replace the batteries. Maybe I won't. I could do without the scale.

Just trying to pass the time now by writing here and playing video games. I know come Tuesday, I'm going to be face to face with my therapist and this will no doubt be brought up. We touched on it last week and it was the first time I went into detail about my past eating disorder.

You know you need to eat something and that it actually slows your metabolism if you don't eat. What would you tell another person who posted on here that they just don't want to eat? And if you're not eating (or undereating), what you are purging ends up being mostly water weight. Plus, purging is SO bad on the teeth. Though I'm really not one to talk, I just end up doing the purging through excessive exercise; I don't think that really makes it any better. Please get yourself something healthy to eat, make a sandwich or something. People on normal diets lose weight eating 1200 calories a day and exercising (within reason). I was lucky with my first super & most severe bout of anorexia (had another relapse around 2015), but I think because I had been at least eating something daily and digesting food, recovery was less brutal physically. It was still hard, but I didn't have those digestion problems so many others with EDs get when they re-feed. I don't know why, but my set point weight settled quite a bit lower than before after recovery, though that took 6 months, a year. It was a long time ago.

I don't really know you or your weight situation. Are your doctors and therapists worried that it is too low or say that you are normal weight for your height and don't need to lose anything? Or that if you want to lose weight, you should do it in a healthier manner?

Of course, I'd tell anybody in my shoes, stop exercising so damn much! But I have trouble listening to my rational side.

another bad day.

all their is to say really

still overeating

[toomanycats]

I ate at a normal level Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and am trying to keep going.
The scale has been kind despite my normal level eating, so that is making it easier.
Therapy today, nutritionist tomorrow, more therapy wednesday and Thursday....so much therapy.

[Blueberrybook]

Saw the pdoc and my PCP today...Pdoc does not seem super versed in EDs, or if he is, he hides it well. He tells me to eat a banana before running and drink a protein shake afterwards. Then he tells me to come back in a week. Don't know how exactly to read that. He is a new pdoc (old one retiring), and I've only been seeing him since late March.

Not sure, but the PCP may contact him (I have signed consents for the both of them). IDK, I weighed less on the PCP's scale than mine at home, which made all the ED-thoughts happy. Logically, I know this weight is really bad and too low, but the ED-side thinks it's great. I've seen my PCP 14 years, so she didn't beat too much around the bush about it because she knows I know what I need to do to get better. I just have to do it. She ordered blood tests, especially since the last blood results they have were taken shortly after my ulcer surgery, and some of the tests were abnormal, but in a range to be expected that amount of time after an ulcer surgery. I didn't have to fast for the bloodwork, so I got it done since the lab is right near the doctor's office (luckily, managed not to faint this time). It's always 50/50 with blood draws, no matter the state of my ED.

Still feeling like a lazy lump for barely exercising today, even if I was running around most of the day taking care of errands and doing chores. I'm so messed up. I had rocky road ice cream for lunch because I needed to make room in the freezer after grocery shopping and the quart was nearly empty. Also, it was nearly 2 PM, and I hadn't had anything to eat other than a small nonfat mocha in the early morning. Not sure what is up with me and the chocolate. I did eat a normal dinner at least. I need to do better with the eating tomorrow, but on the plus side, I didn't overexercise.

Pdoc mentioned therapy. I'm not crazy about it. I have never connected with a therapist; I must have tried at least a dozen over the years. Some were admittedly better than others, but I never clicked with a single one. Tried ED group therapy once and that turned me competitive with all the others there, not helping at all.

I'm so tired of this stress and the not knowing what we'll do now that we are looking at probably losing our house, having to get rid of a lot of our things. And my daughter is not easy to parent with all her sensory issues. Sigh. It's just a tough time for me.

still unable to control overeating

very bad today

..... bad again

very bad

Hey guise, look at what I just ate all to myself sitting in my bed.

Gonna eat more

[Blue_Bird]

I haven't been eating anywhere near enough the past week but it's not intentional, it's due to running through my money with all the binge food earlier in the month and I don't have food in the house except oatmeal, nothing else, no crackers, bread, NOTHING. It sucks but I should be going to a food pantry soon. I have a good grocery list for next time I have money so I'm hoping I will stick to it next time. I have had a lot of ED thoughts, you know, how the not eating triggers the restrictive side and tells me this is a good thing and to be happy about the not eating and to keep it up. but I have been resisting them and working on my body image issues.

I haven't exercised the past few days cause I don't want to be burning off too much with barely taking in anything.