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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
6 78 hugs
given |
#601
Waiting on a phone call that didn’t come, so I didn’t run today. I feel so guilty about not exercising. Sky high anxiety/panic. Bad headache too. Haven’t eaten yet. Keep telling myself the phone might ring in the middle of eating, so it’s better to wait. That is surely the stupid ED part of my brain, but I am listening to it...sigh
__________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
katydid777, LucyD, mwaxy
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LucyD
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,752
(SuperPoster!)
19 14.6k hugs
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#602
Cin
Stress if any kind but especially financial has been the trigger for my anorexia several times. Short term stress always triggered short term weight loss I was able to recover from. Long term stress has caused the 2 serious times with anorexia that landed me both times in & out of the medical hospitals for quite awhile & always included a central line & IV nutrition. So I understand how the stress you are experiencing can effect you this way. I honestly couldn't force myself to eat during stress as it would make me feel sick which just reinforced my not eating. I did find the last time if I was able to eat anything healthy at all it kept me from total anemia. My heart is with you __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
9 1,667 hugs
given |
#603
Waiting for more test results. Had the ultrasound yesterday; about my liver and some other nearby organs. Shall see what "great" news it is now...
__________________ One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure. William Feather Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
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eskielover, katydid777
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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#604
yesterday I ate too much- 2 bags of candy and my dinner.
today.... eating too much and it's only 11 A.M |
katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
6 78 hugs
given |
#605
Tests run by the PCP came back pretty normal. Some numbers a little high, others a little low but signifing nothing except perhaps I was a little dehydrated, not a snocker since it took ages; the lab was backed up and only had 1 worker. Except I had low iron again. My iron is always low.
I am seeing the pdoc tomorrow morning. I have got to get my weight a bit higher on the scale, or even he will freak out. He has not weighed me before, but he’s got a giant doctor’s scale in his office, so he certainly can ask to weigh me. I wonder if I can tell him the same number from last week. It would probably be close if I didn’t constantly dehydrate myself taking God awful long runs in the heat. It takes a couple days for the fluids to recover even though I drink so much water afterwards. Probably should not run any tomorrow. It is a school day for my daughter, work for hubby (teaches high school). Between waking them, packing lunches, the usual chores of taking care of the cats, dishes, my daughter’s breakfast, there is not that much time to run in the morning. Ugh! And I made a 9:30 AM appt., not much time to run after dropping my daughter off at school, considering it takes 30, 35 min to drive to the pdoc, and I would want to get cleaned up beforehand too. Maybe I won’t run tomorrow, but I hate taking all this time off from running. Finances being so tight sucks. My husband may have a better paying job in January, but IDK, the same place promised it would happen this month and it never did. I think my daughter’s school counselor is going to put me in touch with some sort of social advocate. God, I have given up hope on getting any help with finances, therapy, occupational therapy for my daughter, clothing for my daughter (hard to get with her sensory issues), meal planning, budgeting (especially budgeting), pretty much everything... I guess we’ll see. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
eskielover, katydid777, LucyD, mwaxy
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LucyD
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
6 78 hugs
given |
#606
OK, managed dinner even if I had zero appetite. Back in the days when my ED was so bad, I would have been so happy for that (because the truth was I was always hungry, no matter what I weighed, probably caused by excessive exercise). I remember once I dreamed I ate an entire fancy chocolate cake then woke up panicking that it really had happened.
It's the stupid anxiety. And now to shell out more money...my daughter lost a tooth while we were eating. I am not sleeping great although 5-6 hr./night is good by bipolar means, I suppose. I just feel so drained and done. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,741
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
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#607
I'm doing well, I have been eating lately. I was having some pains in my heart the other day which kind of worried me but they went away and haven't been back. I'm working on liking my body and stopping negative judgements and I'm getting better at it.
__________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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eskielover, katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Magnate
Member Since Nov 2016
Location: georgia
Posts: 2,137
7 10.2k hugs
given |
#609
I haven't been hungry lately. No lunch / dinner for the last 2 days, and only toast to take my meds with. I have been drinking normal.
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LucyD
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LucyD
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,734
6 542 hugs
given |
#610
I'm... tired.
I've powered through all the challenges RE: fear foods/off-limits foods I developed over the last couple of months...so I'd say I'm back to my baseline ED now: Obsessively tracking. Anxiety, blah blah...I'm tired. |
LucyD
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LucyD
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
6 78 hugs
given |
#611
I had a bad day today. Couldn't exercise, which shot the anxiety sky high.
Told the pdoc my weight was the same as last week, which was a fib, I think it is down a pound or 2. I am eating but most days overexercising. Pdoc gave me a 2 week window to turn this around before he'd start recommending me for IP. I know everything I need to do. I've recovered, relapsed, recovered, relapsed many times, but I have so much freaking stress! The exercise is the only thing I can control. The food too, but to a lesser extent, considering I have a family, have to eat dinner with them nightly, lunch during the weekend. I just way overdo it on the exercise, so far beyond the calorie count I'd need to balance what I've burned off, it is unlikely to happen with fairly normal eating even it it is sometimes weird like having Cheezits for lunch or something. I need to get into a healthier head space...sigh. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
9 1,667 hugs
given |
#612
I need to work on liking my body, too. There must be something good about it. Someone told me I have nice eyes the other day. I've not thought that about myself though.
__________________ One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure. William Feather Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
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Blue_Bird, eskielover, katydid777
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Blue_Bird
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Member
Member Since Mar 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 161
9 102 hugs
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#613
I'm trying to get my sugar and chocolate intake under control. At the end of the day, I binge watch TV, and binge eat chocolate. It's soothing, but it prevents me from getting good sleep.
__________________ Diagnosis: Bipolar I w/ Depression Medications: Lamictal Lyrica ECT - once / month |
eskielover, katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
6 78 hugs
given |
#614
Exercised less today. I guess that’s a start. Ate more too and feel guilty about it even if my weight is very low.
Was very stupid and ate ice cream. I am not good at making myself throw up but ice cream I can. Shouldn’t have done it, but I felt too full. My life sucks right now. So much stress. Worry over money. People who are supposed to call you back and never do. Social advocates I never hear a peep from. A stupid state website for benefits that invades your privacy, wants so much info, forms,etc., you just give up. 4 hour wait to try to get disability and turned down after a 5 minute interview. Why do things have to be so hard? __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
eskielover, katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
9 1,667 hugs
given |
#615
Quote:
__________________ One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure. William Feather Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
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eskielover, katydid777
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eskielover
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Member
Member Since Aug 2018
Location: n/a
Posts: 98
5 73 hugs
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#616
Totally get this. I don't want to be on the phone during a stressful meal/eating.I do the exact same thing. Turns out they call the next day instead usually, apologizing
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eskielover, katydid777
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
9 1,667 hugs
given |
#617
My blood sugar was near nondiabetic this morning! Woo Hoo! I still will have Diabetes for the rest of my life, though. Not sure what I did right but I didn't eat as much of the bread I was eating, plus I didn't smoke a cigarette. I ate too much fatty protein though and come to think of it some say that lowers blood glucose. I can't continue that with a cholesterol and trigliceride problem.
__________________ One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure. William Feather Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
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eskielover, katydid777
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Magnate
Member Since Nov 2016
Location: georgia
Posts: 2,137
7 10.2k hugs
given |
#618
Last week I had a apt. with my regular Dr. and I was 100.6, this week I had another apt with her and I was 99.2, and she was not happy about it. I do have a little problem about weight where my cloths don't fit, or are too tight, so I will go with out sometimes. I haven't started on that part with my new T yet, I have so many other things to work on first, but I will get to that.
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eskielover, LucyD
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LucyD
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 2,741
10 365 hugs
given |
#619
I have had enough of it all. I do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to feel, think......maybe it would be best to just be emotionally castrated. It is better than just wanting to not exist anymore.
__________________ When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
eskielover, LucyD
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LucyD
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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#620
pretty much still out of control.
my problem is I have too much in the house to eat, and I know I shouldn't, but... **** it if I don't I then feel guilty |
LucyD
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LucyD
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Closed Thread |
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