advertisement
Closed Thread
Thread Tools Display Modes
Blueberrybook
Magnate
 
Blueberrybook's Avatar
Blueberrybook has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
78 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 12:24 PM
  #221
I ran less today, and the stupid ED thoughts won't shut up.

I tried to take a new avatar photo, but I am looking so gaunt in the face, it's horrible. I did not re-hydrate properly after running a ton yesterday and then a lot of errands on my feet. Though I didn't really feel like it, I went to the corner grocery store & got some Powerade. I am drinking it now and realizing I am very, very thirsty.

Blue_Bird, how are you doing?

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
Blueberrybook is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
 
Thanks for this!
shovelhead

advertisement
Blue_Bird
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Blue_Bird's Avatar
Blue_Bird is ready for recovery!
 
Member Since: Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,660 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
14.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 01:38 PM
  #222
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueberrybook View Post
I ran less today, and the stupid ED thoughts won't shut up.


I tried to take a new avatar photo, but I am looking so gaunt in the face, it's horrible. I did not re-hydrate properly after running a ton yesterday and then a lot of errands on my feet. Though I didn't really feel like it, I went to the corner grocery store & got some Powerade. I am drinking it now and realizing I am very, very thirsty.


Blue_Bird, how are you doing?


I hope you're able to fight the ED thoughts

I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm constantly battling myself internally with the restricting thing. It took me hours to decide whether or not to drink a cup of coffee because I wanted to put a little bit of creamer in it and I was scared to do that. Part of me wants to recover, part of me wants to lose, lose, and lose more. I feel like if I give in once I'm "losing control". I did eat today, probably not as much as I should but at least I'm eating somewhat normal. I went grocery shopping and got some healthy stuff. Stopped and looked at the bakery section for maybe 2 seconds then walked on. It would just end up in a binge/purge, so I resisted the temptation

__________________


R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
Blue_Bird is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
Blueberrybook
Magnate
 
Blueberrybook's Avatar
Blueberrybook has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
78 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 02:11 PM
  #223
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
I hope you're able to fight the ED thoughts

I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm constantly battling myself internally with the restricting thing. It took me hours to decide whether or not to drink a cup of coffee because I wanted to put a little bit of creamer in it and I was scared to do that. Part of me wants to recover, part of me wants to lose, lose, and lose more. I feel like if I give in once I'm "losing control". I did eat today, probably not as much as I should but at least I'm eating somewhat normal. I went grocery shopping and got some healthy stuff. Stopped and looked at the bakery section for maybe 2 seconds then walked on. It would just end up in a binge/purge, so I resisted the temptation
The coffee thing is still major ED thinking. Coffee with creamer is nothing. IDK, it used to be with my ED, I’d set a goal, reach it, set a lower goal, reach it, set an even lower goal, reach it, etc., etc. Nothing was low enough. Now I am trying to maintain, but it is at a low weight for my height.

I can’t remember...In actuality, according to actual BMI or what your doctor says, not what you or your ED think, are you overweight, underweight, or normal weight for your height? Not to pry, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.

I don’t know why I don’t want to gain. I’d tell any other person in my situation to stop exercising, eat more, and gain weight. Although I actually do eat pretty normally, I just exercise so much, it is hard to make up the calorie deficit on a normal diet, even eating things like pie or cake or chocolate most days.

I hate losing control too. That is what my life feels like right now, spiraling out of control, especially this past year...stupid EDs

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
Blueberrybook is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
Blue_Bird
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Blue_Bird's Avatar
Blue_Bird is ready for recovery!
 
Member Since: Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,660 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
14.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 02:23 PM
  #224
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueberrybook View Post
The coffee thing is still major ED thinking. Coffee with creamer is nothing. IDK, it used to be with my ED, I’d set a goal, reach it, set a lower goal, reach it, set an even lower goal, reach it, etc., etc. Nothing was low enough. Now I am trying to maintain, but it is at a low weight for my height.



I can’t remember...In actuality, according to actual BMI or what your doctor says, not what you or your ED think, are you overweight, underweight, or normal weight for your height? Not to pry, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.


I don’t know why I don’t want to gain. I’d tell any other person in my situation to stop exercising, eat more, and gain weight. Although I actually do eat pretty normally, I just exercise so much, it is hard to make up the calorie deficit on a normal diet, even eating things like pie or cake or chocolate most days.


I hate losing control too. That is what my life feels like right now, spiraling out of control, especially this past year...stupid EDs


I'm normal weight. I spent a couple years obese. My typical weight before I got on antipsychotics was on the low end or just below the mark of underweight. When I got off the antipsychotic I lost a massive amount of weight, now I'm in the normal bmi range for my height. Although I still feel like it's very high and that I'm huge. I've been trying to get back to my weight from before I got on the APs.

__________________


R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
Blue_Bird is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
shovelhead
Elder
 
shovelhead's Avatar
shovelhead has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,027 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
149 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 02:53 PM
  #225
Intermittent fasting. On hour 15. I like to go 16 hours. But the more tasks I'm doing around the house really kick starts my appetite. I don't want to enter kitchen anyways. I'm scrubbing pans by hand that dishwasher didn't clean. I hate food, kitchens, anything to do with crap I don't care about. Thank goodness there's leftovers for my OH and I don't have to cook him a giant meal! Yay to that!
shovelhead is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
shovelhead
Elder
 
shovelhead's Avatar
shovelhead has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,027 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
149 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 03:03 PM
  #226
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueberrybook View Post
I ran less today, and the stupid ED thoughts won't shut up.

I tried to take a new avatar photo, but I am looking so gaunt in the face, it's horrible. I did not re-hydrate properly after running a ton yesterday and then a lot of errands on my feet. Though I didn't really feel like it, I went to the corner grocery store & got some Powerade. I am drinking it now and realizing I am very, very thirsty.

Blue_Bird, how are you doing?
U are basically an athlete in my eyes. Your running is Amazing, what u do! Then u gotta take care of your body just like an athlete would. Cuz u work your body! Treat it well Daily Check In Thread for those with an eating disorder of any kind #2
shovelhead is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
Blueberrybook
Magnate
 
Blueberrybook's Avatar
Blueberrybook has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
78 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 05:33 PM
  #227
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
I'm normal weight. I spent a couple years obese. My typical weight before I got on antipsychotics was on the low end or just below the mark of underweight. When I got off the antipsychotic I lost a massive amount of weight, now I'm in the normal bmi range for my height. Although I still feel like it's very high and that I'm huge. I've been trying to get back to my weight from before I got on the APs.
Don't I understand the feeling. I was actually at the low normal end of my bmi (for about 6 months) when that ulcer perforated (obviously, it was symptomless though they say eating more tends to help with duodenal ulcer pain, maybe I ate more subconsciously, who knows?) I was running to tone up, not a ridiculous amount, what a normal person in decent shape might run. I wasn't even weighing myself that often. Of course, I felt horribly overweight, but when they did the surgery they had to alter it some because of my having too much muscle and not enough fat in some area. I lost over 10 lb. in the hospital. That has got to be one of the worst, most painful surgeries a person can have. And now I'm thinner and wish I were thinner, but I can't get thinner, I have a pre-teen daughter, she already asks why I'm so small. Luckily, I eat normally, but it's the excessive exercise that gets me in trouble.

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
Blueberrybook is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
Blueberrybook
Magnate
 
Blueberrybook's Avatar
Blueberrybook has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
78 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 05:41 PM
  #228
Quote:
Originally Posted by shovelhead View Post
U are basically an athlete in my eyes. Your running is Amazing, what u do! Then u gotta take care of your body just like an athlete would. Cuz u work your body! Treat it well Daily Check In Thread for those with an eating disorder of any kind #2
Yeah, but I need to eat enough to cover the calories, and you wouldn't believe the amount of time I run. It is a lot. I'm not a fast runner, just a persistent one. I know I could pull up plenty of distance runner meal plans online but am not really interested in that.

I run a lot because I dissociate a ton while running, sometimes thinking, sometimes not, just being up in my head, and it's like my body is going on its own. Yesterday, I ran a whole mile and completely had no memory of it. One minute my app announced a distance (and this app announces time & distance every 5 minutes), so that means I totally blanked and didn't even notice the time and distance announcements more than once. I thought it was an error but checked my FitBit, and it was not. That's a little scary.

But I've dissociated a long time, since I was very young, that's a topic for another board anyway.

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
Blueberrybook is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
 
Thanks for this!
shovelhead
Blue_Bird
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Blue_Bird's Avatar
Blue_Bird is ready for recovery!
 
Member Since: Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,660 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
14.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 06:08 PM
  #229
I feel like crying because I'm eating dinner tonight, part of me is pulling me back and resisting but I need to eat

__________________


R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
Blue_Bird is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
 
Thanks for this!
shovelhead
shovelhead
Elder
 
shovelhead's Avatar
shovelhead has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,027 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
149 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 07:17 PM
  #230
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
I feel like crying because I'm eating dinner tonight, part of me is pulling me back and resisting but I need to eat
I just felt the same way, the other day. I didn't eat breakfast. I ate lunch at noon when I was hungry. I then felt guilty for eating lunch. I thought to myself, why am I feeling guilty?
shovelhead is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
katydid777
Magnate
 
katydid777's Avatar
katydid777 Here Untill I'm Not
 
Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: georgia
Posts: 2,137
5 yr Member
10.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2018 at 07:24 PM
  #231
I haven't had much today, but I don't have any interest in anything. I am just sitting here by the phone, waiting .
katydid777 is offline  
 
Hugs from:
Blue_Bird
 
Thanks for this!
shovelhead
LucyD
Grand Poohbah
 
LucyD's Avatar
LucyD :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
8 yr Member
1,667 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 12:42 PM
  #232
Popping in to say hello. Got a lot going on right now with sick dog and bathtub backing up water and not feeling too good myself.

Take good care.

__________________
One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure.
William Feather


Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
LucyD is offline  
 
Hugs from:
Blue_Bird, katydid777
 
Thanks for this!
shovelhead
fallaximago
Member
 
fallaximago's Avatar
fallaximago I go insane a thousand times
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: up above the world
Posts: 128
5 yr Member
55 hugs
given
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 01:57 PM
  #233
In the last couple of days I've done better than usual but still I'm not satisfied. I'm very much a perfectionist, that means I'm really hard on myself when I mess up or even make small slip ups. I will do my best to eat even better tomorrow. I'm also drinking lots and avoiding sweets so that's good.

__________________
May healing waters bury all my pain ("Bridges In The Sky", Dream Theater)

You can't kill the light nor lose your shadow but in the blackest of night we can lose all this sorrow ("You Were Born To Be My Gallows", Dax Riggs)
fallaximago is offline  
 
Hugs from:
Blue_Bird, katydid777
shovelhead
Elder
 
shovelhead's Avatar
shovelhead has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,027 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
149 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 02:06 PM
  #234
Food & water weight upping my scale weight reading..freaks me out. Then I tell myself I need to eat nothing. My stomach makes all these crazy noises. It's digesting food. I haven't eaten yet today and hopefully eat the very minimum, today. I hate food. Now I have to cook more of it for my OH.
shovelhead is offline  
 
Hugs from:
Blue_Bird, katydid777
Blueberrybook
Magnate
 
Blueberrybook's Avatar
Blueberrybook has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
78 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 03:18 PM
  #235
Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyD View Post
Popping in to say hello. Got a lot going on right now with sick dog and bathtub backing up water and not feeling too good myself.

Take good care.
Good to hear from you. Sorry about your dog & bathtub backing up. I hope you start feeling better too

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
Blueberrybook is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777, LucyD
 
Thanks for this!
LucyD
Blueberrybook
Magnate
 
Blueberrybook's Avatar
Blueberrybook has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
78 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 03:27 PM
  #236
Ugh! Couldn't run as much as I wanted to today, earbuds kept falling out. My old ones broke, and I ordered new earbuds (can only seem to keep the kind with the hook on while running) which got here today.

AF is supposed to start Friday; I am having bloating from that.

Pdoc thinks I am getting manicky, has upped my Seroquel from 400 to 500 mg. Seroquel is a big weight gain drug for many, not for me so far, and it had better stay that way, or I will go back to 400 mg. Actually, it's weird, I do OK on the normal Seroquel, but the timed release was bad, I was exhausted, just wanted to sleep and was hungrier than normal and had no energy to exercise. But most people have the opposite experience than mine. I'm just weird, I guess.

Pharmacy had to order the extra 100 mg Seroquel, so I will start it tomorrow night.

Feeling so lazy not exercising much. I hate EDs. I need to get back to the point where the ED is not consuming as much of my life as it is. Maybe if I'm less manicky, it will help?

I'd like an end to mixed bipolar anyway, though often I crash & burn into depression or complete emotional numbness after mania (I haven't been mixed this long ever, since the end of March 2018, possibly as early as Jan. 2018 from my old pdoc's notes, they said something like "heading toward mixed?"). But my full mania usually ends in bad depression. I am hoping this is hypomania since I'm still sleeping around 5 hours a night, not awake all night or getting 2 hours broken sleep, tops. Though last time, the pdoc got the BP mania stabilized (and she had a job of it), and then the panic/anxiety disorder shot through the roof. I just feel like I can't ever win. Oh, and then the ED decides to run for first place from time to time. I can't say it has ever gone 100% away, but it's definitely been better. There were even some times it rarely bothered me, or I 100% ignored the ED thoughts and invalidated them with what was real versus my perceptions of real.

Sorry to go on so long. I get hypergraphia more & more when manicky. My last manic episode, I couldn't stop writing to save my life, post-it notes, papers, notebooks, writing scrawled everywhere, and it was practically automatic; I just could not stop until I was pulled away.

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
Blueberrybook is offline  
 
Hugs from:
Blue_Bird, katydid777
LucyD
Grand Poohbah
 
LucyD's Avatar
LucyD :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
8 yr Member
1,667 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 05:26 PM
  #237
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueberrybook View Post
Good to hear from you. Sorry about your dog & bathtub backing up. I hope you start feeling better too
I really appreciate that! My dog seems to be very sick, may take her to the Emergency Vet tonight if she gets any worse or the regular Vet. tomorrow. My Ocd is off the wall from the worrying I have been doing. Can't eat today.

__________________
One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure.
William Feather


Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
LucyD is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
Blue_Bird
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Blue_Bird's Avatar
Blue_Bird is ready for recovery!
 
Member Since: Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,660 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
14.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 05:44 PM
  #238
I'm actually doing well today. I feel like the healthy part of me is getting stronger. I had a lot of issues recently with my schizoaffective bipolar symptoms and I think that plus stress was making may have caused the ED stuff to reemerge in such a big way.

The past few days have been really good though. I feel at peace

__________________


R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
Blue_Bird is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
Blueberrybook
Magnate
 
Blueberrybook's Avatar
Blueberrybook has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,899
5 yr Member
78 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 05, 2018 at 07:59 PM
  #239
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
I'm actually doing well today. I feel like the healthy part of me is getting stronger. I had a lot of issues recently with my schizoaffective bipolar symptoms and I think that plus stress was making may have caused the ED stuff to reemerge in such a big way.

The past few days have been really good though. I feel at peace
It's wonderful to hear good news

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
Blueberrybook is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
 
Thanks for this!
Blue_Bird
shovelhead
Elder
 
shovelhead's Avatar
shovelhead has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,027 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
149 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 06, 2018 at 12:52 PM
  #240
Started the morning off right. Gave my dog leftover (boneless) chicken breast that was supposed to be my lunch, today. I find myself doing this, lately. I just want all the food GONE..
shovelhead is offline  
 
Hugs from:
katydid777
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:08 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.