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Old 08-24-2018, 11:46 AM #11
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

Hello tevelygo, I haven't forgotten about you. I wanted to write you a proper reply. However at the moment I'm not feeling very well and I don't even have my laptop which is better for longer replies than a phone.
I promise I will reply to you soon.
Hope you're feeling better.
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Old 08-27-2018, 06:04 AM #12
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by seeker33 View Post
Hello tevelygo, I haven't forgotten about you. I wanted to write you a proper reply. However at the moment I'm not feeling very well and I don't even have my laptop which is better for longer replies than a phone.
I promise I will reply to you soon.
Hope you're feeling better.
Thanks
Let me know please
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Old 10-12-2018, 06:32 PM #13
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

@seeker33

I tried to use some concepts from the Somatic Experiencing method. Basically after I did even more intellectual processing, it eventually did result in processing some feelings too. I think after this I was ready to try again to connect to emotions physically too. So for that I tried to use some ideas from this method a bit. What it resulted in, after a few very weird moments where I almost hallucinated the abuser next to me before I processed that too, was me feeling positively empowered about the traumatising **** that happened a year ago and then realising I want to seek positive interactions with people and more concrete help from them. Hm... I don't know if the trauma is gone yet, my emotions are still very disorganised, but the above feels like a good direction. BTW I have no idea how the idea of "biological completion" from Somatic Experiencing would be applied to my case, that's a problem too. The rest of the stuff was good.

So I want to thank you for giving me information about this method. Hope you are OK and please let me know if you can reply to this or to the earlier stuff.
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Old 10-12-2018, 06:46 PM #14
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

As for my OP... I have forced myself outside my head, for the last couple of weeks, not allowing myself to go into the disconnecting coping mechanism. I felt ready to try this, tried before but failed fast, this time I have been staying outside consistently. So this is a new phase. I have been extremely emotional as a result, it even upset my hormones (as a woman), and it is incredibly draining to me to experience this much emotion so directly, but maybe I am getting used to it slowly. And they can be visceral emotions more than before. Not so disconnected anymore overall. I have not been able to work harder yet, but I do feel I'm on the right track with no longer letting myself be distracted. I have not needed to sleep for too long anymore and am not apathetic about the outside world as much anymore... i.e. the negative symptoms might abate if I keep going like this. And my thoughts have become even clearer than before while processing all this emotion. I also definitely seem to be past the borderline phase, I was wrong when I said I left it fully before, but now it seems to be better. But I do need to (re)learn emotional control more, desensitivize to all this emotionality. The great thing overall is that my positive emotionality does not seem disconnected anymore. I can't say I have harnessed yet it for motivation but I am hoping I'll get there... and I interact more with the people around me, and quite naturally and I feel open in a good way.

So let's call the previous phase some transitional phase and call this one some overemotional phase lol - but not borderline, it's not that kind of loss of emotional control, I express almost none of these emotions.
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Old 12-19-2018, 10:22 AM #15
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

OK, so I'm past the heavy overemotional phase. My period finally returned after skipping two full cycles. Returned with quite the rebound effect... weird. O_o But I feel more normal overall, I'm just incredibly low on energy as a result of going through all that and going through the final negative experiences and emotions I had to face along with resolving the situation(s) causing them. That was extremely hard work...

As part of that, I went through the most ever negative emotional stuff in my life so far even though I thought I'd gone through quite some negativity before... O_o That lasted about 2 months... I've just barely left it now, or started leaving it. During it, initially I first just had to go through long moments of the most hopeless feelings about how to go on in life, really giving a challenge to my reasoning capacity to find counterarguments, then I had to rectify some bad situations with people that I was stuck in without noticing before. That was quite the challenge to my emotional control and the remaining parts of my vitality.

Past those situations now... set myself for a more constructive direction overall. So let's call this phase some kind of recovery phase... with real low energy... ugh. What I said about clearer thoughts and more openness to people around me, that does hold. (Except I am currently wary of trying to enter any closer relations. I expect that to be temporary and protective in a good way though.) I am trying to be even more outside my head now. No distraction, if it means I just get to feel the low energy viscerally, so be it, then I'll be ok with lying down a few extra hours every day. I've returned to my sports training however! After extra rest/sleep I can go out and do that. Or go and get other errands sorted... Still hard to do this with the extra low energy.

Any suggestions for dealing with such low energy? This isn't apathy, I'm not apathetic anymore, it's just... simply low energy, exhaustion from all the emotional fights and stuff. It's so strongly physical that I feel like I'm recovering from physical illness. I don't mind the recovery period of illness so much because you can just rest while no longer feeling so bad, but I'm curious about any input about how to manage it better/faster (lol)... Because I'd like to not just literally lie in bed all day, I do still have obligations to meet too; I need to keep up at least for the most important ones while dealing with leftover negative feelings, mostly just sadness by now really.

Wish me luck further please. And thanks for any suggestions.
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Old 12-19-2018, 11:03 AM #16
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

Wish you good luck, tevelygo! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-09-2019, 09:17 AM #17
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

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Wish you good luck, tevelygo! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
Thanks for the kind words.

I tanked even more after that post, a few days later, after getting more negativity from one of those **** people, and then from another one, but that's past me now, as I managed to get away from both of them, for real finally, it seems. Still have the training going, and I don't get as low with energy as before, though definitely still low.

However I have figured out that I cannot actually have that openness yet towards others that I mentioned. I get to feel everything in some overly personal way (definitely more than normal for me). That doesn't just apply to **** people. I don't know what that is. I just know I can't trust all these feelings "as is" that were not there before. I have to figure it all out and just get better slowly over time with everything, starting from the basics with building up.
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Old 04-27-2019, 04:48 PM #18
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Default Re: What is this phase? How does recovery work for this?

Update... I managed to get "seduced" into a friendship again by one of those people I mentioned above. She actually worked hard at regaining my trust. Wasn't a good idea, it ended bad recently. My overall trust is pretty low atm, understandably. I accepted I can't get into these types of relationships. I'm focusing on building up my own life instead. Emotionally involved relationships are too taxing on my resources atm. Having left all of them, I am actually finally seeing more positive energy, it is slow progress but I can see the progress. I can see how the bad emotions no longer have a source feeding them. Just waiting for the leftover to clear up. What a relief... And it is so good to see that I apparently can finally focus on the world around me... way less of the bad emotions/internal obstacles getting the way. My emotional dysregulation is responding overall to having cut off all the bad sources, the dysregulation lightened, and I have less disorganised emotions, they are more easily accessible and manageable now. As a consequence, I am able to stay involved i.e. viscerally present in the outside world and thus have more energy to do things, though still very much at the start of this phase. But it seems good. That light at the end of the tunnel started becoming brighter.

It is still kind of hard to see and believe how all those sources of bad emotional and other internal reactions caused my deep psychological issues but they did, yeah. I finally am feeling like I can return to true normalcy and an integrated psyche again and as a consequence, a well-functioning and a fully lived, involved life.

Call this phase reentering normalcy/integration/the real world...

If I built up my life properly, I'll try at relationships in a different way. Not in the overly personal way, that's not for me. By that I mean, not trying to get too touchy-feely sinking in feelings where they serve no purpose. Instead, I want to do it a way where I do feel in control, know what boundaries to maintain, yet open to emotional connection but with more awareness of whether that connection is actually there. Do not stay around if it is not, that is really damaging to my psyche apparently. These experiences really taught me a lot about that.

I hope that made sense, if anyone reads this - if needed, I'm glad to explain more. Because I realise my word usage about feelings in relationships was probably quite idiosyncratic (thank my alexithymia for that).
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