Compulsive/ Pathological lying

I have a friend who I am concerned for. It seems that he is somewhat of a compulsive liar. I want to address it with him but I’m not sure exactly how to go about it. Over the last several months I have caught him lying about several things, usually very little things like whether he’s at work or not, what time he started work at. Although still fairly small, the biggest thing he’s lied about (that I know of) is blocking me from social media. We still text all the time, and when I asked him causally the first time he said he deleted it which I believed so I haven’t thought too much if it until recently. The other day he was talking to me and he sent me a screenshot of a funny picture, from social media. I noticed it and jokingly asked if he has an account again to which he said a friend showed t to him at work hours ago and he asked him to send it to him so he could show me. I didn’t believe this but let it slide for the moment not sure of how to address it properly. I then noticed that the screenshot had been taken just two minutes before he sent it to me since the screenshot shows the time that it was on his phone at the time. I asked a friend for advice about it. She then looked him up on social media and found all of his accounts still active. It is now clear I have been blocked. I don’t know why because we talk every week almost. This clear realization has made me second guess what else he may have lied about in previous conversations. I want to be able to trust him, but it is hard now with the information I have. I don’t know if he has some sort of disorder or not, he has told me he’s gone through depression in the past though. Although at first I was angry I still care about him and want to be there for him as a friend. What way can I address this with him without him feeling attacked? I don’t want him to feel he has to defend himself and keep lying. I don’t care why he lied I just want to help him. Any Input would be really appreciated!

Hello Friend: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

From what you wrote, I take it this is a casual friend rather than a romantic interest. But either way, since I'm basically a recluse, needless to say how to finesse friendships is not exactly my long suit, as we used to say. My personal opinion would be there may well not be a way to address your concerns with your friend without possibly causing him to become defensive & perhaps argumentative. I doubt there's any way to know until you raise your concerns & it either happens or does not. It's the chance you may have to take if you feel this is something you need to address.

I would have to say, personally, assuming this is a casual relationship, I probably wouldn't address any of this. I would just take note of it for future reference, so to speak, & let it go. My perspective, in a situation such as you describe, would be that what my friend did or did not choose to do is his business not mine. And it's not my job, or my place, to feel as though I should try to "help" him by confronting him with what I think I know.

My inclination would be to simply accept him for the way his is, & what he does or doesn't do, unless or until such time as it becomes problematic for me at which point I would simply let him go as a friend. I personally have no interest in trying to save anyone from themselves. But then, as I mentioned above, I'm a pretty reclusive person. So I suppose my perspective on this sort of thing is skewed.

Anyway... here are links to 10 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of interest with regard to your concerns. Some of these articles relate to romantic relationships. But I would presume the suggestions they offer could easily be transferred to more casual ones:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Confronting Friends: Part 1 | Relationships in Balance

Too Much Confrontation? (Confronting Friends, Part 2) | Relationships in Balance

How to Talk to Someone Who Always Gets Defensive

In Relationships, the Worst Offense is a Good Defense

11 Hints for Resolving Relationship Irritations

The Effects of Criticism on Relationships

https://psychcentral.com/lib/defendi...al-annoyances/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ed-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...es-boundaries/

Well, you mentioned two things he lied about. His schedules and blocking you on social media. What I am getting from those types of lies is not so much pathological lying, but avoidant behavior towards you that he doesn't want to be obvious so he is lying about it. I don't really have any great advice to offer however.

Seems you only know this person from online? My advice: drop him as a friend and don't even bother looking back. Liars can never be trusted, period. He won't stop just because of you, or if you bring it up. He'll most likely cover his tracks and will lie even more, covering up all his previous lies. Why would you want to be friends with someone like this? I have dealt with liars and nothing good can come from it. Move on and find someone far better to associate with.

I had a good friend years back who was a pathological liar. He would tell you grass was blue and no matter what you said he would argue it to the bitter end. I did confront him because that's who I am. He lied and denied and we went in circles.

In the end I concluded: either you keep the person in your life and accept that everything they say may or may not be truth. Or you cut them out and move on.

That makes sense, however he still tries to talk to me. Sometimes he’ll message me first and apologize for being so busy and not being able to talk more which is why I’m unsure if it’s just his way of avoiding me. And he says this all on his own, not because I asked. Sometimes he’ll even text me wondering why I didn’t talk to him more.

I see. Well in that case, perhaps there are things he is trying to hide with his lies. Anyone I've ever met that blocked someone on social media that is otherwise their friend or family member is because there are things they don't want them to see. And if not that, I really couldn't think of any other motivation to block a friend. Either way he should just be honest and talk to you about it. Unfortunately once a few lies are told, there will be more to maintain the stories being weaved.

My MIL is one. She lies about everything. Even somthing as little as maybe closing the door. She won't take responsibilty for anything she says, or does, even when she is caught Red Handed so to speek.

My mother was a pathological liar. She tell lies until she actually believed them. It was morbidly embarrassing when I'd meet someone my mom knew and the person would say, "How's school going this year?" I would be completely confused - until I'd find out that my mom had told the person I was an elementary school teacher (because that was what my mom wanted me to be). Awkward, to say the least.

If someone consistently lied to me I would block the person. The lying would creep me out.

I've been a liar all of my life and I did it because I wanted to be accepted, prove something, cover up mistakes, show that I wasn't weak but most of all I just didn't want to hear the feedback if I told the truth...my wife would ask me if I had taken care of something and I would lie and say yes because I didn't want to hear her reply for not doing it.

i tell white lies often about miniscule things not on purpose to hurt but because sometimes im just not in the mood or have the energy to explain somethiing. im tired

Hey there,

I’d agree with what has been said in previous posts: it sounds unlike pathological lying. His lies make sense in respect of certain motives, ie his view/opinion of you. His lies have purpose as opposed to being random and seemingly pointless.

I would say that if he is a good friend, one who is important to you and that you want to keep, then addressing the issue would be important. It won’t be easy but if you have a good friendship then it may well be something that you could potentially work through.

Alternatively you could could keep track of his lying habit and watch it’s progress, if it does turn out to be pathological then it is a personal problem to him, but it’s not the end of the friendship, it’s a problem that can’t be worked at.

But like I say, in my highly unprofessional opinion, his behaviour looks suspiciously like he has a problem with you and is trying to put some space between the two of you.

FF

I once dated a liar. NOT for very long. The stories he told were ridiculous. I have no sympathy for people like that.