[joebruin]

My daughter was in the hospital for suicidal thoughts a couple of days ago. She is planning on getting married in 3 weeks which I strongly disapprove. She just started a new med and started weekly counseling. Should she wait until more stable mentally before she gets married? I'm sure I don't help by strongly disapproving of her future spouse.

[Deejay14]

No, I don't believe she should put off her marriage unless she has doubts about her fiance or she elects to do that herself. This should be a happy time in her life. Given that the wedding is imminent have you considered trying to be more positive about your new family member to take that extra stress off her. He is a very significant part of her life. Wouldn't it be less stressful for everyone involved to try and make these relationships work and it would probably mean the world to your daughter. Right now she needs your support. If her marriage is not successful over the long term she will need your support too.

[mote.of.soul]

Wow. I don't have children, but if I was in a similar situation to yours, I'd not want her to commit to marriage right away, either. It doesn't sound as if getting married should be her number one priority right now. But of course it's her life and she'll probably have the final say.

[Stone92]

I would need more information to give a real opinion about this. But you are right about one thing, I'm sure your disapproval is not helping her mental health.


Even if you turn out to be right, in the long term, it will do more harm than good to try to control her with your disapproval. It's her life. She needs to be allowed to make her own choices, even if you think she's making a mistake.

She needs your love and support now more than ever. If I were you, that's what I would focus on. Not on her spouse, or what you think she's doing wrong. Let her know you love and care about her. And that you'll be there for her no matter what. Even if she's not making the choice you want her to. She still wants your love and support.

[Deejay14]

Originally Posted by Stone92

I would need more information to give a real opinion about this. But you are right about one thing, I'm sure your disapproval is not helping her mental health.


Even if you turn out to be right, in the long term, it will do more harm than good to try to control her with your disapproval. It's her life. She needs to be allowed to make her own choices, even if you think she's making a mistake.

She needs your love and support now more than ever. If I were you, that's what I would focus on. Not on her spouse, or what you think she's doing wrong. Let her know you love and care about her. And that you'll be there for her no matter what. Even if she's not making the choice you want her to. She still wants your love and support.

Well said! I tried to say that!

[amandalouise]

Im sorry but I cant tell you whether your daughter should or should not get married or whether she should or should not put it off.... here in the USA if she is not a minor (under 18) then the decision is her's and hers alone. once she turned 18 that meant no one not even her parents have control over whether she gets married or not.

my suggestion since you have concerns you will need to talk with your daughter and let her decide what is best for her self....

that said if you really feel she is not capable of making her own decisions you can go to your county courthouse and petition family court system for guardianship over your daughter. you will have to show proof that she is not physically, mentally and financially able to live on her own, making her own mental and physical health decisions, right down to having her own bank account. if the courts agree with you that she can not take care of her self and her own decision making rights they will appoint someone that will be in charge of her physical and mental health decisions, where she lives and what she can and cant do with her time and money.

should you go this route of removing her decision making rights that the appointed guardian is not always the one that petitions the court, the courts will do whats best for her even if the appointed guardian turns out to be adult protective services caseworker or her appointed lawyer or a lawyer of her own choosing. the courts will do an in depth investigation of all relatives and friends and then make their decision on who and where your daughter will be with until she is mentally/physically and financially capable of making her own decisions again.

[12AM]

What if the reason that she tried to commit suicide was because you strongly disapproved her choice of spouse? Something to think about. If her future spouse supports her path to recovery and her spouse makes her happy, it will surely help her getting better.

[joebruin]

There are many prospective in laws that do not approve of a future spouse. Is that enough reason to be suicidal? Isn't the fact that she is suicidal enough that she should wait on this marriage? Shouldn't someone that is sucudal hold off on any major decisions in life such as marriage?

She suffers from depression and anxiety and before she decided to get married, I advised her not to make any big decisions in life until mentally stronger. She started a med that wasn't effective (she got depression from events at work, school, roommate ) so Doctor trying this new med. Then recently decided to get married.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by joebruin

There are many prospective in laws that do not approve of a future spouse. Is that enough reason to be suicidal? Isn't the fact that she is suicidal enough that she should wait on this marriage? Shouldn't someone that is sucudal hold off on any major decisions in life such as marriage?

She suffers from depression and anxiety and before she decided to get married, I advised her not to make any big decisions in life until mentally stronger. She started a med that wasn't effective (she got depression from events at work, school, roommate ) so Doctor trying this new med. Then recently decided to get married.

Im sorry I know you are upset that your daughter is going to marry someone you dont approve of but here in america even the mentally ill can have their own friends and marry who ever when ever they want to.

suicide being enough of a reason to put off marriage, no its not I have my mental challenges including depression and have a background of suicide, self injury and lots more problems. I tell you one the best things that happened in my life was marrying the woman of my life. my life is so much better because she is there when I wake up in the morning, shes there when I go to sleep at night and shes there any time I have any problems. she has seen me through the worst of my medication problems, MS flair ups and my darkest suicidal days. she is the best human being to come into my life.

if you really love your daughter you will accept her decisions, whether or not she takes your advice. her love for this person may in fact be just what she needs for her own happiness, well being.

being suicidal is also not grounds in a court of law to prevent a person from getting married. I even attended a friends wedding while she was in a mental hospital.

[nikon]

your original question seemed to ask whether she should put off getting married. your more recent post sounds like you are just looking for confirmation that she should put off getting married - confirmation that you are right.

i would say unless you have actually seen her fiance being abusive, breaking the law etc, you are just damaging their relationship, and your relationship with her, by putting (silent?) pressure on her not to marry.

[MickeyCheeky]

Why don't you approve of her spouse?

[12AM]

Originally Posted by joebruin

There are many prospective in laws that do not approve of a future spouse. Is that enough reason to be suicidal? Isn't the fact that she is suicidal enough that she should wait on this marriage? Shouldn't someone that is sucudal hold off on any major decisions in life such as marriage?

She suffers from depression and anxiety and before she decided to get married, I advised her not to make any big decisions in life until mentally stronger. She started a med that wasn't effective (she got depression from events at work, school, roommate ) so Doctor trying this new med. Then recently decided to get married.

Everyone has their own reason to be suicidal, what’s not enough of a reason for you might be enough for your daughter. She’s not you and having depression and anxiety doesn’t mean she can’t make a her own choice about her life.

[Quarter life]

Hi joebruin.

Whilst I totally agree that it is your daughter's choice on who to marry and when to marry, I also totally appreciate your concern. Once she is married you lose control in being her protector, as her new husband will presumably step into that role. My advice to you would be to have a frank yet positive chat about her future plans and how her new medication is going. Let her know that should she ever need support in any way that you will always be there, and most important of all that you love her and wish her every happiness in her new marriage. This is really all that you can do.

It is also my hope that her fiancé is aware of her struggles, and is in a position to provide support and reassurance......however, a difficult subject to broach with her.

[joebruin]

Originally Posted by Quarter life

Hi joebruin.

Whilst I totally agree that it is your daughter's choice on who to marry and when to marry, I also totally appreciate your concern. Once she is married you lose control in being her protector, as her new husband will presumably step into that role. My advice to you would be to have a frank yet positive chat about her future plans and how her new medication is going. Let her know that should she ever need support in any way that you will always be there, and most important of all that you love her and wish her every happiness in her new marriage. This is really all that you can do.

It is also my hope that her fiancé is aware of her struggles, and is in a position to provide support and reassurance......however, a difficult subject to broach with her.

She has been dating him for 18 months and I always thought he was helping her with depression only to find out another male friend who also has depression was helping her. After she got engaged, a month later she went on a vacation with her friend that helped with depression for a week in Shanghai. She didn't tell either guy. She went on other dates with the young man that has depression. Then she called off the engagement hoping the other young man would ask her to marry. Well that didn't work out and she's back with the guy she was engaged too. This was all from a period from late may to early August. The point of this story is her future husband was not the support for depression and suicide the whole time they have been dating and the relative ease she went on and off with her future husband. That's also why I think she is not stable mentally to get married.

[joebruin]

Another factor... My daughter was diagnosed with PTSD because she was assaulted by a mental patient on her job at the hospital.

[Stone92]

Ultimately, it's still her choice to get married. It sounds like she's not making wise choices, from your point of view, and I know that's frustrating. But there's nothing you can safely or reasonably do. Trying to force her into the choice you want will make her mental health problems worse, erode her confidence, and may drive her further away from you.


You clearly care about her a lot, and want to see her happy. I'm sorry that you are watching her suffer so badly recently, with her PTSD and suicide attempt. But the best thing you can do it respect her right to choose. If she makes the wrong choice? She's an adult, and she can handle the consequences. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes.


But unless she's abusing someone else, there's nothing that would make it okay to ignore or disrespect her wishes. You are allowed to be worried about her, and it's okay if you would make different choices. You can still love and support her through this. Wait and see what happens.

[Open Eyes]

Your daughter feeling suicidal has to be dealt with first, you are correct. You just mentioned she struggles with PTSD. That is something she should get help for before she makes ANY kind of commitment to anyone else. She needs to make a commitment to herself, to learn how to process the experience that led to her developing PTSD.

If this guy she is engaged to really loves her and cares about her, he can wait while she gets therapy and regains her sense of "self". These challenges will not go away for her once she gets married either. This is not just a case of the typical nervousness that comes with getting married.

How old is your daughter?

[Saunder]

Best wishes to you and your daughter. Sounds like you are a very caring dad. Take care

[joebruin]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Your daughter feeling suicidal has to be dealt with first, you are correct. You just mentioned she struggles with PTSD. That is something she should get help for before she makes ANY kind of commitment to anyone else. She needs to make a commitment to herself, to learn how to process the experience that led to her developing PTSD.

If this guy she is engaged to really loves her and cares about her, he can wait while she gets therapy and regains her sense of "self". These challenges will not go away for her once she gets married either. This is not just a case of the typical nervousness that comes with getting married.

How old is your daughter?

Turned 23 in June

[joebruin]

Originally Posted by joebruin

Turned 23 in June

Do you have professional educational background in this area?