No one gets it

I love this talk from Susan David, how she challenges a culture that prizes positivity over emotional truth. Wish more people would think like this instead of bashing people with so called negative thoughts/emotions.
Susan David: The gift and power of emotional courage | TED Talk

I usually never tell people anymore, I'm tired of being judged and having people think it's just something you need to get over! I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding and supportive. But since we live in a society that favors looking happy and successful over showing your true emotions it's not surprising. I think meeting someone who is not mentally well reminds people of their own "bad" feelings and that scares them. People are scared of just having feelings these days, it's sad.

I had a similar experience, actually when I was 13 as well. One of my grandparents died and I didn't have any support either, I can't even remember that there were anyone crying. Another family member just shrugged their shoulders and said 'well, stuff like that happens'. Now, I realize this person were probably so scared of openly showing their emotions and I guess they just wanted to show themselves as "strong". But at that time instead I took it as it's wrong of me to be sad about this cause no one else is. I remember seeing my aunt bursting out in tears at the funeral and my cousin told me that her parents had been crying every night. I just remember thinking that that was so weird cause none of that was happening in my family, no one was sad.

So I can completely relate to your story and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Having to bury your emotions as a kid and not having someone there comforting you or telling you that having emotions, both bad and good ones, are ok is one of the hardest things I think for a child to go through. I know it was for me.

yes.

and what gets to me is the phrase

" it can't be as bad as that"

well, it is

something else that gets to me is the change in attitude of people once you tell them you have a diagnoses that isn't depression.

tell someone you are depressed, and the best you might get is " things will get better", or " why are you feeling depressed",

tell someone you have anxiety or bipolar- or something like that, then they don't want to know in the slightest

why.

I don't understand

((All))

I think the problem is there is a broad spectrum of depression. Some people say they are depressed because something bad happened, but for some of us it's a clinical disorder that's lifelong. A lot of people don't get that.

I tend to smile a lot and hide my emotions (probably not a healthy thing to do). As a result, when I do tell someone I'm depressed, they say "You don't look depressed." I've even got "You're too beautiful to be depressed." WTF? What does physical appearance have to do with mental illness? Are we supposed to assume that the only reason for depression is being unattractive? It bugs me.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss and how that impacted your thinking. I do know that we get so much from the people that raised us and copy their behavior. I hope that wasn't too damaging for you.

Everyone cried that I remember. But after she was buried and things moved on. It's like the family just completely collapsed. I just learned that my grandmother (who gained custody of me and my twin brother) knew about the woman at the hospice who gave us (my brother and I) her card for an adolescent grieving group. Of course I didn't know what to do with it. My grandmother never mentioned it. I don't know why. I think her never getting us into grief counseling is a symptom of other problematic behavior, least of all being I don't think she's ever grieved herself.

You are so right about that. Never having emotions validated (unless they're what your parents/guardian wants) is so damaging. There's trauma before 13 for me, but after my mom died and the aftermath, something broke inside me I think.

As much information that there is out there sometimes I'm shocked about the gross misunderstanding that there is about MI and emotions in general.

I guess I can understand misunderstanding, but to act like an authority or try to put off someone else's pain is what really frustrates me. Just listen and empathize you know? If you don't understand at least listen.

Reading all of this makes me happy a site like this exists. Excuse me for not saying much more, I'm having a hard night. I just wanted to thank you all for coming together. Gives me a little bit of hope.

I stop talking too. Turn the phone off or on silent elsewhere away from me. Just for some form of reprieve Singing is a great release, love my music

I understand this. What also deeply disappoints me is when people think those with mental conditions brought it upon themselves. I've heard countless times people saying "she should just go out more often," or "cheer up" when they hear about someone's travails. What's equally bad as not getting it is thinking sadness is all there is to depression/anxiety/PTSD or another condition.

I don't think any of the "professionals" get it

(((((So)))))

At first when I saw your post I wanted to agree 100% but then I started thinking, and I do think that there actually ARE professionals who do "get it". Far from everyone, I don't even think the vast majority of therapists, psychologists etc do but I believe there is a small group who do. And it's the ones who's actually been through trauma themselves. For example I have a friend who is studying to become a psychologist now and she's been through so much trauma, abuse, depression etc. And I know for a fact she will be a great psychologist because she's been mentally unwell herself, she's been in the same position of her patients for most of her life so of course she's going to get it! And I do believe there are more professionals like that out there, the trick is just finding them.

I've gone to a lot of therapists and I can honestly say that only one of them made me feel like she was truly hearing and understanding me. I remember she mentioned that she'd been through some stuff herself, and that she herself had also been through a lot of therapy. So that was probably why. I remember one who didn't think that I'd been neglected as a child just because "Well, your parents are letting you stay with them. They wouldn't do that if they didn't care about you?" Ok so all the other stuff, like loving me, taking care of me, raising me to believe in myself, making me feel safe in the world, that doesn't matter? As long as you don't kick your child out that's the criteria for being an excellent parent? This therapists also said she didn't think that I was depressed, this was about 6 months after I started seeing her and at the time I was pretty much suicidal, but yeah according to her; not depressed! And this one is considered to be one of the best in her field. Bleh... I stopped seeing her shortly after that.

I remember another one who would just get up and stand at her desk with her back against me waiting for me to just leave when our time was up, oh my god she was so freaking weird. She didn't last very long as my therapist haha.. I don't understand these people. Are they only in it cause they think it looks good on paper and the money is good? I really don't get it!

Since I started going to therapy in 1994 I have only had one psycholigist who gets it....& I didn't start to see her until 2011 after I left Los Angeles & moved to a very small town 2100 miles away leaving my bad marriage. I actually had 2 awesome psychologists who actually helped ME "get it" & then helped me with all that came out when "I got it". The 2 most amazing T's one of which was my DBT group leader who is now my only T came through the community mental health in the next town away from the town I live in. She went into private practice a year ago. I just went back to her this summer for support I really need right now. She is an awesome coach who can keep me focused on what I really need to be focused on & I can talk to her about stuff I wouldn't burden my friends with & she gets it all especially since she knows what I went through & what I experienced growing up because she helped me put together the pieces that I uncovered. (& I love her cute Italian accent & it gives me a chancd to try & remember some of my Italian from the late 70's)

She has gone through a lot herself but her best attribute is that she is a teacher first then knows how to apply what the teaching brings up & how to best handle it

You're right, they don't get it, and it isn't because they don't want to. It's because they haven't been there. They haven't really been in your shoes and even though they may have the same thing, every case is different. I get where you are coming from. I'm always here. I check in every day, I'm here to listen.