Is my mum narassict - Forums at Psych Central



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-11-2019, 10:09 PM #1
TeaFruit's Avatar
TeaFruit TeaFruit is offline
Member
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Kiwi Land
Posts: 138
TeaFruit TeaFruit is offline
Member
TeaFruit's Avatar
TeaFruit has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Kiwi Land
Posts: 138

2 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Is my mum narassict

Does my mum have narcissim or is it BorderLine NARCISSISM Disorder? I need to know what I'm dealing with here I know that no one can give a full diagnoses unless they are psychologist and saw the person and evaluate them. I just need some kind of grounding what I'm dealing with and what to do about it.

So my background.
I was daignose with traits of BPD 3 years ago.
When I was 11 I was diagnosed with OCD.

I always remember my mum getting angry over small stuff and even now she does.
It be like for example say you had your small art drawing book on the coffee table in the living room,she would get enraged about that. Or when I try to cook in the kitchen she would freak out about the mess.

There time where I spilt small amount of flour on the floor and she would write a note and place it on the kitchen bench with arrows pointing to clean this.


She very obsessed about mess and things always have to be tidy like a show room house.

She always has to be right.
I notice this when we were at a family friends for Christmas party and she was telling the family friend how she is wrong and she raise her finger and said "I'm right because I'm the oldest".

She wont hear you out. She would talk over you.

If you ask a question say it relates to my sister not eating enough. She will get irritated and hostile.

When I said to her how my cousin will meet us at dinner. She said to me "Now dont you bring it up". Which was my cousin issues with his mum. She said that to me more than once before. So you always feel spoken to as a child.

I'm 28. I dont need to spoken to a child.

She use to call me names. For example she call me *****, pig or selfish.
It be situations when I wanted to put my wet clothes in the dryer not hang them out. So she say I'm a pig and self fish.
Or she call me these names and I will cry and she wouldn't care. I dont recalled any memory of her comforting me when I cry. I was always left alone to cry, I can remember back to the age of 4.

Anyway, back to the pig,selfish thing. One day I stood up for myself and said "You not going to call me those names anymore!" And she said to me "you just diffcult" I said to her "grandma wouldnt say that to anyone"
And we call knew grandma wouldnt. She was very strong catholic. From then on she stopped calling me those names.


She would get in these werid rants this was 5 years ago. But she started yelling to herself over and over "you dont have a life any more". I could hear her from outside the house.

If she gets angry at you or if you are upset. And say you walk away and cool off and you came back she will act as if everything is ok. She wont apologised or anything.
It happened to my father before I or my sister was born. He went for a walk a 7km or 14 miles and got back and she pretended as if none thing happened. No apologies none thing.

About 7 years ago mum once got a knife and held it to her chest in front of me and my sister saying should she kill herself. It was very scary because you didnt know if you took the knife would she stab herself and if you did none thing would she would stab herself. She luckily put it back in the kitchen draw and went to her bedroom and closed door. I went to stay at my partner house. My mum never apologizes to me but she apologize to my sister.

She would project her frustration and blame me or things. like the water bill, but didnt take in note my sister boyfriend was staying at a period of time and change his clothes twice a day and so twice the washing.

Or blame my dad or me for say the butter gone, or the bath room spray is gone. When what happened was it fell put the window caus sour cat jump out the window.

She get upset if you dont dry the shower down with a towel.
Or put the bath matt not on bath anymore it has to be over the shower rail.

My mum would come home from work and complain about work and her manager. One day she will hate her manager and then next day me and my manager work well together. It's always back and forth. Very confusing.

Or she decide not to be friends with some one at work anand be kind to them not friends. But then she be friends with them again.
She think people gossip and talk behind her back. Or that person cant be trusted.

I recalled 3 years ago I had a shower at the evening because I was anxious. I already had shower at the morning. But I was trying to calm myself down. Then she got my dad to turn off water when I was having a shower. I asked her if she turn off water and she broke a smile and said yes. I told this to my therapist and mum some how talk to my sister and got my sister to ring my therapist and told them they got the wrong story.
How I found out? Well, my sister got angry at me and exploded and said that.

My sister even try to get my therapist home number which she found. But they decided not to ring thank goodness.

She always seek vaildatation the way she looks
So this was.just yesterday I heard my mum.saying "hey do you think I look slim"? To my sister. But my sister wasnt where she was so she found her and ask same thing. Or she used my nail ploish to paint her toe nails and we are in mid conversation and she say randomly what you think of my toes. I ignored it and finish the conversation topic we were having.
And then she still went back to toe nails and got up and show her toes and I had to say they look good twice.
There was another time when I was speaking to dad and she got this new shirt and interupted to show her new shirt. Or when I washed my feet and afterwards she said "ooooo...your feet nicer than mine"? I'm thinking I just washed my feet cause they were dirty not to make them look nice.

My mum does not know how to vaildated period!

Its werid cause she provided food and cook dinners but the emotional support is zero.

I will add a few notes. She once at one point thought the house was haunted and when I did mindfulness she thought I was.conjuring or talking to demons..

She is now a manger at a library. So she can work
Just werid how she able to.manage work but at home.she a different person.

She would listen to my sister rhours about her problems.. I mean literally hours. But not me.



Dont know if that helps what I wrote to give anyone any idea what she has.
All I know is , its upsetting my metal health and it's hard to cope in DBT therapy when you always vulnerable at home and in emotional mind all the time.
I know the answer is to move out. But I dont have a job and very scared to get a job because I have lost jobs due to discrimination or I left because of emotional, verbal abuse and that was all retail work.

I do get sick benefit money from goverment because that what our country does luckily. I can move out with that. It's just moving out I be by myself and I have no job so I dont know how that would affect my.mental health. Then there is flating with people I experience socail anxiety too.
So I feel I'm stuck in a hard rock. My therapist reckons it be best if I get work or voulteering work before moving out. I see my therapist point. Just hard to cope with my mum and my sister too.

Does anyone have any advice how to cope with my mum while I find work?
Also what sounds like roughly my mum has. Slow I know what I'm dealing with?
TeaFruit is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 03-12-2019, 03:45 PM #2
TeaFruit's Avatar
TeaFruit TeaFruit is offline
Member
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Kiwi Land
Posts: 138
TeaFruit TeaFruit is offline
Member
TeaFruit's Avatar
TeaFruit has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Kiwi Land
Posts: 138

2 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Re: Is my mum narassict

Anyone? I understand the message is long. But I would really appreciate it.
TeaFruit is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-12-2019, 04:27 PM #3
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna unaluna is online now
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,732
unaluna unaluna is online now
Elder Harridan x-hankster
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,732 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
41.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Is my mum narassict

I think your mom has what my mom had, and it made my mom very crabby too - a grown daughter living with them!

We were welcome when we were children - altho my dad did tell me that he only took care of me because otherwise they would take him to jail - but after a certain age we are guests in their home and really should behave the best we can, regardless of how mean they get, if we want to stay living there. My mother once farted in my face as she walked past me and laughed about it. I was sitting on her couch in her living room - i could not complain. But when i was able to leave, i left.
unaluna is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-12-2019, 06:06 PM #4
amandalouise's Avatar
amandalouise amandalouise is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 8,259
amandalouise amandalouise is offline
Wise Elder
amandalouise's Avatar
amandalouise has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 8,259 (SuperPoster!)

10 yr Member
771 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Is my mum narassict

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaFruit View Post
Does my mum have narcissim or is it BorderLine NARCISSISM Disorder? I need to know what I'm dealing with here I know that no one can give a full diagnoses unless they are psychologist and saw the person and evaluate them. I just need some kind of grounding what I'm dealing with and what to do about it.

So my background.
I was daignose with traits of BPD 3 years ago.
When I was 11 I was diagnosed with OCD.

I always remember my mum getting angry over small stuff and even now she does.
It be like for example say you had your small art drawing book on the coffee table in the living room,she would get enraged about that. Or when I try to cook in the kitchen she would freak out about the mess.

There time where I spilt small amount of flour on the floor and she would write a note and place it on the kitchen bench with arrows pointing to clean this.


She very obsessed about mess and things always have to be tidy like a show room house.

She always has to be right.
I notice this when we were at a family friends for Christmas party and she was telling the family friend how she is wrong and she raise her finger and said "I'm right because I'm the oldest".

She wont hear you out. She would talk over you.

If you ask a question say it relates to my sister not eating enough. She will get irritated and hostile.

When I said to her how my cousin will meet us at dinner. She said to me "Now dont you bring it up". Which was my cousin issues with his mum. She said that to me more than once before. So you always feel spoken to as a child.

I'm 28. I dont need to spoken to a child.

She use to call me names. For example she call me *****, pig or selfish.
It be situations when I wanted to put my wet clothes in the dryer not hang them out. So she say I'm a pig and self fish.
Or she call me these names and I will cry and she wouldn't care. I dont recalled any memory of her comforting me when I cry. I was always left alone to cry, I can remember back to the age of 4.

Anyway, back to the pig,selfish thing. One day I stood up for myself and said "You not going to call me those names anymore!" And she said to me "you just diffcult" I said to her "grandma wouldnt say that to anyone"
And we call knew grandma wouldnt. She was very strong catholic. From then on she stopped calling me those names.


She would get in these werid rants this was 5 years ago. But she started yelling to herself over and over "you dont have a life any more". I could hear her from outside the house.

If she gets angry at you or if you are upset. And say you walk away and cool off and you came back she will act as if everything is ok. She wont apologised or anything.
It happened to my father before I or my sister was born. He went for a walk a 7km or 14 miles and got back and she pretended as if none thing happened. No apologies none thing.

About 7 years ago mum once got a knife and held it to her chest in front of me and my sister saying should she kill herself. It was very scary because you didnt know if you took the knife would she stab herself and if you did none thing would she would stab herself. She luckily put it back in the kitchen draw and went to her bedroom and closed door. I went to stay at my partner house. My mum never apologizes to me but she apologize to my sister.

She would project her frustration and blame me or things. like the water bill, but didnt take in note my sister boyfriend was staying at a period of time and change his clothes twice a day and so twice the washing.

Or blame my dad or me for say the butter gone, or the bath room spray is gone. When what happened was it fell put the window caus sour cat jump out the window.

She get upset if you dont dry the shower down with a towel.
Or put the bath matt not on bath anymore it has to be over the shower rail.

My mum would come home from work and complain about work and her manager. One day she will hate her manager and then next day me and my manager work well together. It's always back and forth. Very confusing.

Or she decide not to be friends with some one at work anand be kind to them not friends. But then she be friends with them again.
She think people gossip and talk behind her back. Or that person cant be trusted.

I recalled 3 years ago I had a shower at the evening because I was anxious. I already had shower at the morning. But I was trying to calm myself down. Then she got my dad to turn off water when I was having a shower. I asked her if she turn off water and she broke a smile and said yes. I told this to my therapist and mum some how talk to my sister and got my sister to ring my therapist and told them they got the wrong story.
How I found out? Well, my sister got angry at me and exploded and said that.

My sister even try to get my therapist home number which she found. But they decided not to ring thank goodness.

She always seek vaildatation the way she looks
So this was.just yesterday I heard my mum.saying "hey do you think I look slim"? To my sister. But my sister wasnt where she was so she found her and ask same thing. Or she used my nail ploish to paint her toe nails and we are in mid conversation and she say randomly what you think of my toes. I ignored it and finish the conversation topic we were having.
And then she still went back to toe nails and got up and show her toes and I had to say they look good twice.
There was another time when I was speaking to dad and she got this new shirt and interupted to show her new shirt. Or when I washed my feet and afterwards she said "ooooo...your feet nicer than mine"? I'm thinking I just washed my feet cause they were dirty not to make them look nice.

My mum does not know how to vaildated period!

Its werid cause she provided food and cook dinners but the emotional support is zero.

I will add a few notes. She once at one point thought the house was haunted and when I did mindfulness she thought I was.conjuring or talking to demons..

She is now a manger at a library. So she can work
Just werid how she able to.manage work but at home.she a different person.

She would listen to my sister rhours about her problems.. I mean literally hours. But not me.



Dont know if that helps what I wrote to give anyone any idea what she has.
All I know is , its upsetting my metal health and it's hard to cope in DBT therapy when you always vulnerable at home and in emotional mind all the time.
I know the answer is to move out. But I dont have a job and very scared to get a job because I have lost jobs due to discrimination or I left because of emotional, verbal abuse and that was all retail work.

I do get sick benefit money from goverment because that what our country does luckily. I can move out with that. It's just moving out I be by myself and I have no job so I dont know how that would affect my.mental health. Then there is flating with people I experience socail anxiety too.
So I feel I'm stuck in a hard rock. My therapist reckons it be best if I get work or voulteering work before moving out. I see my therapist point. Just hard to cope with my mum and my sister too.

Does anyone have any advice how to cope with my mum while I find work?
Also what sounds like roughly my mum has. Slow I know what I'm dealing with?
Im sorry teafruit but we cant diagnosed whether your mother is a narcissist or whether she has borderline. only your mother and her doctors can answer that for you.

how to cope with things, my suggestion is write things down then talk with your therapist. they are in the best position to help you find ways to handle your mom and your relationship with her.

I would also like to point you to something you may have missed... at the bottom of every page is a disclaimer that to me says we can not diagnose anyone. that each member must contact their own treatment providers.
amandalouise is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 03-12-2019, 11:14 PM #5
SilverTrees's Avatar
SilverTrees SilverTrees is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 914
SilverTrees SilverTrees is offline
Grand Member
SilverTrees's Avatar
SilverTrees is wishing everyone peace and hope.
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 914 (SuperPoster!)

1,156 hugs
given
Default Re: Is my mum narassict

Hello TeaFruit,

Thank you for sharing your truth here in so much detail. Sharing our truth can be a valuable part of healing. I am so sorry that you have been experiencing all of these problems with your mother.

The name-calling was verbal abuse. Not okay. The suicide threat was emotional abuse. Not okay. And understandably very disturbing and frightening for you. The abuse is not your fault. You didn't cause it. I am sorry that has happened to you. You deserve peace, joy, and unconditional love.

You mentioned that you still live with your mother and you feel this inhibits your healing. That makes sense to me. Challenging to move forward and let go when you are actually still living with someone who does not treat you with respect and safety. Though I also respect your current reality; you don't feel able to just get up and leave.

I do not know if your mother is living with NPD or BPD. To some extent, I'm not sure if it matters too much what her particular diagnosis would be. As you have pointed out, you need to focus on yourself and your coping and healing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but your mother doesn't sound likely to go to a therapist or seek any professional help. So she may never be diagnosed.

Your mother seems to be experiencing a lot of anxiety. That's likely where the strong need for control (of you and the home environment) is coming from. Anger is often an expression of fear. So there are times when it sounds like she could be feeling very fearful and has not developed healthier ways to deal with her emotions.

She has clearly been abusive toward you on more than one occasion. I wonder if there is abuse in your mother's history. You may or may not know the answer to that and I would -not- recommend asking her. I mention this because abusive people were often abused themselves at some point. Not an excuse but something to think about because I got the sense that you are trying to understand your mother and her behaviors.

You asked why she seems to manage okay at work but not at home. Home is her comfort zone. People often "let it all hang out" so to speak at home; for better or worse. She's more comfortable on her own turf so then you see more of the uninhibited and intense behaviors. And on some level she likely knows that if she abuses her boss, there will be no more boss and no more job. I have known two abusive people in my life who actually presented very well when they were not at home. At work or socially they were professional or even charming whereas their home selves were erratic and frightening. The natural consequences for abuse are very different in the workplace compared with home.

I applaud you for trying therapy. That is a brave and wise choice. So well done! I also agree with your therapist's ideas. Working toward finding a job or volunteer opportunity could be very beneficial for you. When we help others, we help ourselves. Could also give you a sense of connection and help to build up your self-esteem.

In the meantime, did you and your therapist ever talk about meditation? I find it really helpful. I can send you some links if you're interested. I also recommend talking to your therapist about identifying a list of your mother's triggers in addition to developing some strategies for how to respond (or not) when she is escalating.

Again, I am so sorry for your struggles Tea Fruit. You sound like a very bright and strong person. I wish you peace and hope.
SilverTrees is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:30 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.