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Old 04-11-2019, 05:24 PM #21
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Iíve been wondering this about myself lately. A friend drew my attention to this thread. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells everywhere I go in life. Iím not a horrible person and I even try to censor myself. But I canít take medication so I get triggered and I make mistakes.
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Old 04-12-2019, 08:41 AM #22
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

I really like the explanations and comments on this topic so far. I will only add a few experiences to explain why I've used the block function in the past.

On a different website: I used to be a bipolar forum facilitator. One member was very unwell, even with a second dx. She became almost obsessed with me. I did my best to manage the relationship the best I could for months, but it started to stress me out too much over time. She meant no harm, but I had to cut the cord for my own wellness.

Here: A long while back, I witnessed two members harshly criticizing another for hypergraphia. The member with hypergraphia was clearly very unwell in a few respects. I was a bit hypomanic at the time, so PMd the rougher of the two trying to explain what causes hypergraphia. [I'm prone to hypergraphia, too.] That member wrote the scariest stuff in her response to me. I think she was ill, too. I had to block her because I feared her anger would intensify into bullying of me.

Another member was unwell and threatening suicide in many posts. I was triggered by it because my nephew had died by suicide not long before. Though I blocked this member, I doubt he/she knew. I eventually unblocked them. By that time, their posts were no longer triggering for me.

It's hard to know what may or may not trigger a person. It could be something very minor. The fact is, we are all here because we're dealing with various levels of stress and illness. We can make choices as to what we read. Please don't take offense if/when you are blocked and don't hesitate to block someone if that is best for you. As someone wrote above, you have to put yourself first.
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Old 04-14-2019, 03:44 PM #23
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Sarah, frankly, I dislike much of the advice-giving on these boards. What what one person might call direct and blunt another person might receive as presumptuous and condescending. I dislike labeling, prescription, and invalidation. Not infrequently I feel a scornful, sanctimonious undertones in deliveries here.

I think advice should be delivered extremely sparingly, if at all. Instead one can talk modestly about one has met a parallel challenge. When someone "needs" to give advice, like the urge to scratch an itch, it probably shouldn't be delivered. We're guests in each other's backyards; and I think feedback should be an authentic, respectful gift for the recipient.

Most people change slowly at best, and I never found labels, accusations and scorn helpful no matter how Dr. Phil operates.

I assume recovery community members have occasions when blunt, straight talk is apt. I assume these are specific "contracts" the recovery community has to support each other in immediate, specific situations. It's a specific culture with specific challenges and emergencies.

I'm in the arts, and colleagues have specific ways to explore work. I conjecture our communication is quite different than in the recovery community. However, we still might have a gentle "honesty" that would be poorly received elsewhere in the world.

When someone has been habitually unpleasant with me, I don't give them feedback. I try to offer it only to people I like for the right reasons, not as a weapon.

If by chance you did miscalculate with someone, that's a universal event. No one walks through life with a perfect communication record. It doesn't make you awful.

In general though, I think it good to think about the receiver before offering "blunt," "straight" assessments of them or their actions. No one is an ultimate truth-teller, so I think advice, if given at all, should be delivered with great humbleness and grace.
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Old 04-15-2019, 03:57 AM #24
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I would say, you just didnt know The Rules when you first got here? And some of your earlier responses were kinda harsh. I started out the same way, and some of mine still are too pointed. I hurt peoples feelings and they will never trust me again. Hopefully this post of yours will show people that you are desirous and worthy of a second chance.
Thank you for this feedback.
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Old 04-15-2019, 04:01 AM #25
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche View Post
Hey Sarahsweets, I don't think you're a bad person either... but I'm also someone who gets hurt easily by bluntness (sorry!).

I hope you can take AmandaLouise's explanation to heart, I think she did a really great job explaining!

I *do* use the ignore list, so it surprises me that so many people are so against it. For me, there are a couple people that just... routinely... end up posting in ways destabilize me. Sometimes, it's people that I can't read without wanting to argue with them, which wouldn't be helpful for me or the other people on the forum and sometimes it's stuff that just feels hurtful, even if it's not meant that way, because of my own stuff.

I tend to be all over the place emotionally, and highly reactive to stuff. So, being able to filter out posts from people that routinely trigger me in that way is super helpful.

I've *never* put someone on ignore out of spite or to purposefully upset them or convey a message to them . It's always been out of self-preservation!

As an example of what I mean... this is not from the forums, but when I was researching who to do neurofeedback with, one of the people that I contacted was sort of sarcastic to me in response to my questions. His response literally ruined my day - I had felt fine before, and I just crashed, became very depressed, and ended up in bed crying. It's definitely very much an "over reaction" - in the sense of being not proportional to what was said - but that's where I'm at emotionally and what my brain does right now! This is really difficult to deal with, it feels like little things from the world can just be *devasting* at times, even when they're clearly not ill-intentioned. Thus, the "ignore" function feels a bit like a life-saver to me.

I know this doesn't really explain what happened with the person that you had been chatting with, but hopefully it gives some insight.

*hugs*
I wanted to clarify: I am not against the ignore system at all. I think its a very fair and useful tool. I am obviously taking this personally and am getting over it. I suspect some of it does have to do with my involvement in recovery. I can handle when someone doesn't like me because I can't please everyone. What gets me upset is when I do not get the opportunity to apologize and make amends. I really do not like hurting people or making them uncomfortable. They do not have to accept my apology or remove the ignore but I have to get over my desire to make things right. I used the ignore function on another forum because of sexual harassment so I really believe it is a useful tool.
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Old 04-15-2019, 04:08 AM #26
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by missbella View Post
Sarah, frankly, I dislike much of the advice-giving on these boards. What what one person might call direct and blunt another person might receive as presumptuous and condescending. I dislike labeling, prescription, and invalidation. Not infrequently I feel a scornful, sanctimonious undertones in deliveries here.
How do you feel when someone asks for advice?
Quote:
I think advice should be delivered extremely sparingly, if at all. Instead one can talk modestly about one has met a parallel challenge. When someone "needs" to give advice, like the urge to scratch an itch, it probably shouldn't be delivered. We're guests in each other's backyards; and I think feedback should be an authentic, respectful gift for the recipient.

Most people change slowly at best, and I never found labels, accusations and scorn helpful no matter how Dr. Phil operates.
I do agree with this.
Quote:

I assume recovery community members have occasions when blunt, straight talk is apt. I assume these are specific "contracts" the recovery community has to support each other in immediate, specific situations. It's a specific culture with specific challenges and emergencies.

I'm in the arts, and colleagues have specific ways to explore work. I conjecture our communication is quite different than in the recovery community. However, we still might have a gentle "honesty" that would be poorly received elsewhere in the world.
I am not one of those "straight talkers" with recovery. NO amount of bullying IME has ever made someone get sober. Even interventions that are so popular seem to have the potential to backfire. I try to be sensitive to others in that sense and remember that I was there too.

Quote:
When someone has been habitually unpleasant with me, I don't give them feedback. I try to offer it only to people I like for the right reasons, not as a weapon.
Well then I really appreciate your feedback with this.
Quote:
If by chance you did miscalculate with someone, that's a universal event. No one walks through life with a perfect communication record. It doesn't make you awful.

In general though, I think it good to think about the receiver before offering "blunt," "straight" assessments of them or their actions. No one is an ultimate truth-teller, so I think advice, if given at all, should be delivered with great humbleness and grace.
Yes another member did give me this advice. I am working on validating people and saying compassionate things.
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Old 04-15-2019, 05:05 PM #27
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Hi Sarahsweets,

I also tend to take what other people do or say very personal. Perhaps too personal, to the point that I start to ruminate over it in an unproductive, self-depreciating way. After my first hot flash of hurt I now try to go back and examine my feelings from all possible angles. Have I been reading too much into someone else's intention? Were their actions reflective of something I did or said or were they saying as much, if not more, about their own current state of mind? A lot of times I figured it was the latter. And if not I keep telling myself that I am not perfect, don't have to be since no one is. All that I can do is reflect on it. If I still feel that I would/should have rather behaved differently in this situation I will try to do so next time. Then I move on. There's always someone who chooses not to engage.

Warm wishes,
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Old 04-15-2019, 05:35 PM #28
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

How do you feel when someone asks for advice?

I know I can't resolve anyone else's problems for her. The most I can offer is camaraderie, particularly if I've had a parallel experience, compassion, my discoveries, and perhaps an idea or two ideas to expand her own problem-solving.

I do my best to stay away from imparting self-importance, authoritarianism, accountability to me, "shoulds," command verbs, instructions, contempt, omniscience, or any suggestion she's floundering while I'm True North. I have a dim view of those who eagerly rush like the fire brigade to offer any and everyone imperious instruction. I personally chafe at "straight talk" which to me has overtones of dominance and contempt.

I believe someone asking for advice is not always as she appears. Sometimes she's dealing with a dilemma with no good outcome. Sometimes she's overwhelmed with challenges from different directions. Sometimes she really wants confirmation of what she already knows.

A few times though I have asked advice from someone I knew who'd stop me from a unwise impulse. The trouble is, we don't know people here.
.
I think the self-examination is whether the advice is truly for the other person or whether to make me feel important.

We each have our own journeys as models. I recall moments of receiving the right observation at the right time. My real life friends often satirize my harassers along with me or diffuse a situation with humor. That can be imparted with a sigh or giggle and difficult to do online.
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Old 04-15-2019, 07:20 PM #29
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

Sorry that you are going through this. I agree that Ignore is about the person using ignore. I have a handful or so on mine. It can be self preservation in a way to not have ire spiked resulting in tulmutous interactions. It can be from not feeling safe that the individual's account hasn't been compromised, it can be because there's a history of being harrassed or on and on.
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Old 04-15-2019, 07:47 PM #30
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Default Re: Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

I haven't interacted with the members that "ignore" me, I assume my therapy experiences provoke them. I much rather have them ignore my posts than lash out, though I've received that too.
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