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purpledolphin
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Frown May 25, 2019 at 09:15 PM
  #1
I wasn't sure where to post this so sorry if it's in the wrong place. A few weeks ago I was clumsy and scraped my left hand when getting out of the boat (I'm on a dragon boat team). It left these really ugly white/pink scars on my left hand. I've been boating for 7 years and have never done something this stupid. I think they will be permanent. For some reason it has broken me and I just feel damaged, useless, worthless, lesser of a person. Scars never bothered me before but I feel like I just have too many flaws now and the universe is trying hard to make me unattractive. The scars on my hand are very visible and looks like a disease.

The timing for this is really bad because I had just started to feel good about myself and my body. I have been working out, eating healthily, and was seeing a life coach who encouraged me to start dating. I'm 36 years old, female (black) and have been single most of my life. I'm super worried because I plan to date interracially, and I feel like I'll be dating on the hard level. I'm worried that I just can't compete with other women in terms of looks, and this new ugly scar on my hand is going to ruin my chances. Why would a guy want me when there are plenty of other women out there who are attractive, with nice personalities and don't have scars, blemishes, etc? I'm thinking maybe I should quit dragon boating since I'm likely to hit myself again and get yet another scar.

Whenever I type, play the piano, write, draw, paint, etc, all I see are the ugly scars on my left hand I feel terrible. I just feel like I'm doomed and no man will want to date me after seeing my hand scar which is very visible. I'm not attractive enough to make up for it. Black women are judged more harshly for their imperfections. I don't have the smooth, perfect even skin that other black celebrity women have.

I don't mind scars on other people and I don't judge people by their looks. I understand that looks are superficial. I would have no problem dating a guy with scars. But unfortunately, the reverse isn't true. Men WILL mind the scars on me and they WILL judge me negatively on my looks, and they WON'T want to date me. Men are visual. And also since I want to date outside of my race, I feel this need to be perfect in terms of looks so white guys will consider giving me a chance (because let's face it, I'm never going to be able to compete with a white woman in terms of looks).

I feel stuck and don't know how to get out of this funk. Here's the laundry list of all the things wrong with me:

- Black
- Glasses
- Hearing aids
- Scoliosis (it's very noticeable if i wear tight-fitting clothes or if I were to take my clothes off. My rib cage is rotated 30ish degrees)
- Small black freckle/scar on the bottom left corner of my lip
- Small white discoloration on top right corner of my lip
- Acne scars on face
- Acne scars on back
- Slight white discoloration on left cheeks
- Social anxiety
- Still a virgin (and I'm 36)
- Sometimes still stutter when I'm nervous
- Small dark scar near bottom of right hand (visible)
- Scar on my foot right foot from rubbing it, because I have mild arthritis in that foot
- NEW white/pink scar on my left hand, very visible and looks like a disease

^ I had actually accepted ALL of that, but now I have this NEW stupid scar on my left hand (so add that to the list). It's four areas on my hand where the skin is a pinkish color with an ugly dark brown ring around the pink areas. Thanks to this new scar, I now feel like a permanent ugly duckling. I can't do any of my hobbies now that involve my hands because all I see is the scar. It's like in order to be attractive and perfect I need to just do nothing and/or quit dragon boating so that I don't give myself another scar (other people do not seem to have this problem). And it makes me feel ashamed to be alive. Even my previously affectionate cat is not as affectionate anymore, it's like she can sense I'm now a lesser person and broken.

MY QUESTION: Should I just not even attempt to try dating, based on this long list of flaws? How do I feel good about myself again?
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TheUrOther
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Default May 26, 2019 at 12:33 AM
  #2
If it helps, I do not consider any of these issues flaws - at least not any that would prevent me from thinking you attractive or otherwise a good person. You have my condolences for your belief that you are a "lesser person" for having these issues. I hope you can feel good about yourself soon.

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Thanks for this!
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Default May 26, 2019 at 08:41 AM
  #3
fresh scars always look bad. give the skin time to settle.

i would look at you & say..you do dragon boating...cool!

relax. call it a battle scar, call it a dragon bite. tell people the dragon tried to attack you & you fought it off and won. everyone has scars & scrapes. no one is perfect. it's what makes up special and that is good. who would want to date a totally perfect person? what kind of stories would they have to tell???? you ride on the back of a dragon...and live to talk about it :-)

broken? nah. for now put a little skin coverer thing over it after it heals. and stay out there doing stuff. be you. slay the dragon. and as for the cat...they are fickle.
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purpledolphin
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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:00 PM
  #4
Quote:
who would want to date a totally perfect person?
Well there is just so much image of perfection everywhere when it comes to women. Society sends us the subliminal message that looks are everything and men seek perfection in women, even when at the same time, they say that it's personality that matters. We're getting mixed messages. Women in ads, TV, social media, etc, are presented as perfect, flawless ideals. Men see this and that's what they expect. And then there's the 1-10 attractiveness rating scale where the highest-rated women are always flawless -- no blemishes, no scars, perfect. Even if she does participate in fun things, and picks up a few scars, the more attractive you are, the more forgiving guys will be. I've been told that I would only be at most a 4 or a 5 on this scale (maybe even lower). This is all based on what I've been able to gather from threads on various dating forums across the internet.
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Red face May 26, 2019 at 03:00 PM
  #5
Pick up some cocoa-butter at your local drugstore and massage it into the scar several times a day.

It comes in a bar (like soap) or a tube (like a ChapStick but larger).

I prefer the tube because it's less messy.

It really does help the scars to fade some as they heal.

It really smells good too, but don't try to eat it because it tastes awful!

I think I just admitted I tried to eat it once, but only once - I promise!

Not sure if I can help with all the other challenges, but I do know that cocoa-butter works wonders on scars!

On the upside, you may be out on a date and your date tenderly hold your hand while asking about your scar ...

What an awesome conversation starter regarding being on a dragon boat team that would be!

Wishing you good healing all the way around!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

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Thanks for this!
unaluna
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Default May 27, 2019 at 08:48 AM
  #6
Sending you hugs. Honestly nothing what you described sounds like it would prevent you from dating. You sound like an exciting person with your adventurous boating hobby. You sound really great. I absolutely don’t think you are a lesser person whatsoever. Is there anyone you can meet through boating or through other social groups? Meetups? It might be easier to be friends first. Wish you luck!
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Default May 27, 2019 at 09:45 AM
  #7
You do sound like a very interesting person. Yes men are more visual, but they still want someone who is fun and interesting to be around. They get bored too.I dated a football player in college who was astonishingly good looking and a nice guy. But he was so boring that I just couldn’t go on with him. I like a sense of humor best. Men are still people tho biology does try to trick them into being instantly attracted to a gorgeous girl. Remember biology is trying to trick them into constantly procreating. But they’re people too.
You sound really shy. Practice starting conversations with men and drawing them out. Get them talking about themselves. Pretend its an Olympic sport and give yourself points for how many things you can learn about the person.
You are freaking out about something that is such a minor thing in attracting a guy that I wonder if you have issues about your appearance that go beyond just a lack of self esteem. Look on the various forums.
I am over 60, but men in their 40’s like me because I draw them out and encourage them. If you can do competitive sports, you can certainly master dating!

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Default May 27, 2019 at 06:09 PM
  #8
Stop picking yourself apart! You got a great heritage and wow, you are very active. You got much going for you. Be proud of all you are. A warrior has many scars, and each one has made you stronger.

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New scar on my left hand is breaking me. Should I cancel my plans to date again?

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