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arminrye
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 10:08 PM
  #1
Can anyone expand my understanding of the difference between lying and not telling? I'm in a bind but I want to know the possible damage those two might cause.
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 11:19 PM
  #2
One is proper lying, and the other is lying by omission.

What do you mean by "difference" between them? Morally? I suppose lying straight up is more likely to be morally dubious, whereas one might argue that lying by omission is more acceptable, depending on the circumstances. With the former, you're knowingly committing an act of deception, whereas with the latter, you're merely failing to act where you probably ought to.

Or do you mean difference in technique? The former is harder.

Why do you want to know these things?
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 11:33 PM
  #3
Very hard to say without a specific situation.

For example, if I lie to my partner about being unfaithful to him, then I am betraying him twice - infidelity plus lying about it. But if I don't tell my friend's husband that she is being unfaithful to him, I've done nothing wrong because I should not be involving myself in someone else's relationship. That's a boundary issue so I should keep my mouth shut. Just one example.

My mother does not respect my boundaries so I frequently withhold info from her. That's my right. On occasion I might even make something up just to get her off the phone or avoid talking at all...."I've got to run an errand now" when really I just want her to leave me alone. One is not telling and one is a lie but neither one is "damaging."
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arminrye
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 01:02 AM
  #4
I'm sorry I wasn't able to provide an example because I'm having a hard time putting it to words.
The situation is I found out something that I kept to myself and I didn't think that soon it would be a big deal to the person I'm close with. Our friendship became toxic and I'm being branded as a liar.
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 10:07 AM
  #5
What reason did you have for keeping it a secret?
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arminrye
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 10:29 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
What reason did you have for keeping it a secret?
I took what I saw on a surface level. I thought it was just a harmless situation but little did I know it was already considered a red flag for cheating.
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 11:25 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by arminrye View Post
I took what I saw on a surface level. I thought it was just a harmless situation but little did I know it was already considered a red flag for cheating.
If the "cheating" does not pertain to yourself and your partner, leave it be. Whoever is involved can figure their lives out for themselves. If it is your friend's partner and you tell them, your friend will likely resent you anyway....people don't always break up after infidelity...you never know how that will play out or how it could be held against you later for bringing it up in the first place. These things are messy. Boundaries are important. I often tell myself: eyes on your own yoga mat!

If you wind up losing a friendship over someone else's infidelity, then that person was not a good friend in the first place. You are not responsible for monitoring other people's fidelity. Let it go and move on with your life. Peace.
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arminrye
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 01:33 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
If the "cheating" does not pertain to yourself and your partner, leave it be. Whoever is involved can figure their lives out for themselves. If it is your friend's partner and you tell them, your friend will likely resent you anyway....people don't always break up after infidelity...you never know how that will play out or how it could be held against you later for bringing it up in the first place. These things are messy. Boundaries are important. I often tell myself: eyes on your own yoga mat!

If you wind up losing a friendship over someone else's infidelity, then that person was not a good friend in the first place. You are not responsible for monitoring other people's fidelity. Let it go and move on with your life. Peace.
Thank you so much. I really have to choose my battles. This isn't worth the stress and feeling of toxic.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 02:03 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by arminrye View Post
Thank you so much. I really have to choose my battles. This isn't worth the stress and feeling of toxic.
You're welcome!

I'm not really sure why but society has gotten quite loopy about infidelity or anything approximating it. If it's not me or my other 1/2, it's not my business. I hope you can relax and find some peace. Things will figure themselves out. Things have a habit of doing that, one way or another

A wise therapist once told me: "unless you have good reason to believe that your friend's life is in jeopardy, keep your mouth shut." We weren't talking about infidelity directly (though my friend later wound up being ditched by a two-timer I didn't like from Day 1) but you see her point. I remind myself of it often. Eyes on my own yoga mat!
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 06:19 PM
  #10
I always told my H & daughter to be honest about things. I will be mad at lies but I will be even more angry if I find out information was witheld. But that was stuff that effectex my own life too. My now X-H found out just how serious I was. It had nothing to do with infidelity & everything to do with the IRS & back taxes.

Now my daughters BF she had been with came to me about something. I found a way to let her know in a very good way & we were then able to talk about what was going on.

When I see something I think about it for awhile & figure out how to say....this is what "I seemed to have observed or heard" I NEVER say "this is what is going on". I figure they can do their own investigation into what is REALLY happening.

Sometimes I have gained information I have no idea whether it might be important or not. Many times I pass it on with the clarification that it may become relevant or not. I know the lady that was filing a lien on the farm of the previous owner. No idea if it became a legal judgment or not. But my new neighbor has been paying the mortgage for 3 years without purchasing it. I let her know about the possible lien just in case it comes up when she does try to finally purchase the farm. Sometimes just bits of information can help them look into things & help with future decisions.

I don't like sitting on information I have because I know how much having information to research really helps with my decision making.

My not yet X-H denied that he let the house we owned go into foreclosure.. I had actually talked to the foreclosure company & had ALL the facts. It became a legal issue I had to deal with & having information that can be researched for FACTS is important.

I think for 33 years my now X-H believed that lies by omission weren't lies because he didn't actually say it. That thinking caused lots of fights in our marriage. It was all financial & not infidelity....(could make a snarky comment about that but won't)

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 06:15 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by arminrye View Post
I took what I saw on a surface level. I thought it was just a harmless situation but little did I know it was already considered a red flag for cheating.
Can you be specific? It's really hard to give you advice without knowing exactly what happened.
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