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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 04:05 PM
  #1
I am having a difficult time myself. My anxiety is high and I’ve been feeling unwell in general. I’m very stressed and discouraged by how I’m performing at my job. My therapist is helping me deal with these stresses. This coworker of mine is always seeking my support in her issues yet when I try to help she never seems to respond. it’s difficult managing my own stuff and stressful trying to help her at the same time. I was having a very hard time last night with my physical symptoms and my anxiety. I took a xanax and fell into a deep sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with a text from her and she said “mountaindewed, I’m hurt.” I was in a daze from being woken up from a deep sleep. I texted back “what’s wrong what do you need?” Then I immediately fell back asleep. I woke up this morning to another text and I guess her boyfriend was in the hospital for something I can’t mention on this site because it’s too triggering. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. And in her text she said she really F ed up. I texted her at 6 this morning and asked her again what she needed and she didn’t give any type of answer about what she needed or even what happened with her boyfriend or how he was doing. she said she called off work today and she wasn’t feeling good. I texted her a couple hours ago asking how things are going and I haven’t gotten an answer.

I don’t know how to handle this. My therapist says she sounds like she’s borderline. My mom says I shouldn’t be stressing out over her especially since I am already under enough pressure from work and dealing with my own anxiety. Does anyone have any suggestions? Why does she seek my help but then not want it or answer my questions?

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 04:13 PM
  #2
perhaps it's a simple case of being too afraid/ even unsure on how to word it

I know it's one thing I tend to do when I get anxious.. rather than admit I'm anxious, ignore the questions, ignore the situation because I dohn't know how to aproach it

or perhaps she feels that you're all ready going through too much, and what she has to say isn't really important or worth troubling you with

all you can do is be their for her

she'll talk when she's ready I'm sure
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 03:02 AM
  #3
Do you think the situation is do dire that she is unable to text back?

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 07:00 AM
  #4
It sounds like you are trying to have a back and forth but she may just text in the moment and not expect you to help, just to know. Do focus on your needs for now, you can text her but don't repeat when she doesn't answer. Have you thought of turning the phone off when you go to sleep? It is OK to take time just for yourself.

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 08:27 AM
  #5
Sometimes all a person needs when they are dealing with something that frightens them and they don't know what to do is just have a person they can report to. Part of our normal response to something that is happening that causes us fear is we are often compelled to sound an alarm. For example, if you play a video game the game makes sounds when something pops up or something you aim at is destroyed. Most of these games engage all the senses visual, auditory, along with a person using their hands so "motion" too. The game reports everything back which is something the human mind is set up for. Human beings are designed to "navigate" so it's easy to understand how these video games can get addictive.

This coworker sounds like an individual that needs to report a lot and is very auditory. Yet, once she/he announces she/he needs to see what happens next and doesn't always want others to step in and take over. Actually, a lot of people respond with "that sounds terrible, keep me posted" or some kind of response that acknowledges the report from another person where that alone can be giving someone something they need to experience.

Those who are on the autism spectrum do best when they can focus on how things work according to how they process things and tend to do best with things that follow a certain order which is why so many gravitate to the world of computers or things that present patterns, like music or mathematicals which music is. The stress and anxiety they experience tends to come from experiencing things that are random, without specific pattern, which is often why many experience social anxiety as socializing can be random without pattern.

That being said, this coworker actually is showing a pattern to you. This coworker likes to report and sound alarms, but doesn't necessarily want others to actually step in and take over for them. You cannot change what happens to this individual's boyfriend or how they deal with it. All you can do is learn to respond in ways that say "I hear you, keep me posted and often saying to them that they will figure out how to handle this too". That is what this individual seems to need from what you have shared.
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:04 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Do you think the situation is do dire that she is unable to text back?
I mean maybe. But why text me in the first place? I just don’t really get it. It seems like a one way friendship and I’m not sure I like it. Thanks for the replies everyone.

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:06 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Sometimes all a person needs when they are dealing with something that frightens them and they don't know what to do is just have a person they can report to. Part of our normal response to something that is happening that causes us fear is we are often compelled to sound an alarm. For example, if you play a video game the game makes sounds when something pops up or something you aim at is destroyed. Most of these games engage all the senses visual, auditory, along with a person using their hands so "motion" too. The game reports everything back which is something the human mind is set up for. Human beings are designed to "navigate" so it's easy to understand how these video games can get addictive.

This coworker sounds like an individual that needs to report a lot and is very auditory. Yet, once she/he announces she/he needs to see what happens next and doesn't always want others to step in and take over. Actually, a lot of people respond with "that sounds terrible, keep me posted" or some kind of response that acknowledges the report from another person where that alone can be giving someone something they need to experience.

Those who are on the autism spectrum do best when they can focus on how things work according to how they process things and tend to do best with things that follow a certain order which is why so many gravitate to the world of computers or things that present patterns, like music or mathematicals which music is. The stress and anxiety they experience tends to come from experiencing things that are random, without specific pattern, which is often why many experience social anxiety as socializing can be random without pattern.

That being said, this coworker actually is showing a pattern to you. This coworker likes to report and sound alarms, but doesn't necessarily want others to actually step in and take over for them. You cannot change what happens to this individual's boyfriend or how they deal with it. All you can do is learn to respond in ways that say "I hear you, keep me posted and often saying to them that they will figure out how to handle this too". That is what this individual seems to need from what you have shared.
She just does this a lot and it just is starting to get repetitive. Everyday it’s a new crisis but when I try to help she refuses to answer.

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:16 AM
  #8
yes, may ou should just post her back letting her know you got her messages and will get back to her when youre ready
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 12:17 PM
  #9
I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could, Mountaindewed. Perhaps she just needs to vent to someone when she's experiencing stressful situations. I feel like the best thing you can do is to just be there and tell her that you'll be there for her if she needs advice and support. Just ler her know that you're listening. Whether or not she wants help is up to her. I'm sure she has no bad intentions. Is she there for you when YOU need support? Does she at least listen to what you have to say? You have every right to get support as well after all! I do believe good friendships are mutually beneficial for BOTH of the people involved. Let us know how things are going for you and your friend! Keep us updated if you can and want to! Wish you the best of luck to BOTH you and your friend in BOTH your healing and your lives! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your friend, Mountaindewed!
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 02:57 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could, Mountaindewed. Perhaps she just needs to vent to someone when she's experiencing stressful situations. I feel like the best thing you can do is to just be there and tell her that you'll be there for her if she needs advice and support. Just ler her know that you're listening. Whether or not she wants help is up to her. I'm sure she has no bad intentions. Is she there for you when YOU need support? Does she at least listen to what you have to say? You have every right to get support as well after all! I do believe good friendships are mutually beneficial for BOTH of the people involved. Let us know how things are going for you and your friend! Keep us updated if you can and want to! Wish you the best of luck to BOTH you and your friend in BOTH your healing and your lives! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your friend, Mountaindewed!
Thanks MickeyCheeky. I always appreciate your posts. No, she doesn’t always seem to listen to my problems. I texted her about my cat who is very sick and she completely ignored the text. My mom said to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was with her boyfriend at the time but she never seems to listen to what I have to say. My cat is still very sick and I think it would be pointless texting her. She’s probably busy.

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 03:18 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
I am having a difficult time myself. My anxiety is high and I’ve been feeling unwell in general. I’m very stressed and discouraged by how I’m performing at my job. My therapist is helping me deal with these stresses. This coworker of mine is always seeking my support in her issues yet when I try to help she never seems to respond. it’s difficult managing my own stuff and stressful trying to help her at the same time. I was having a very hard time last night with my physical symptoms and my anxiety. I took a xanax and fell into a deep sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with a text from her and she said “mountaindewed, I’m hurt.” I was in a daze from being woken up from a deep sleep. I texted back “what’s wrong what do you need?” Then I immediately fell back asleep. I woke up this morning to another text and I guess her boyfriend was in the hospital for something I can’t mention on this site because it’s too triggering. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. And in her text she said she really F ed up. I texted her at 6 this morning and asked her again what she needed and she didn’t give any type of answer about what she needed or even what happened with her boyfriend or how he was doing. she said she called off work today and she wasn’t feeling good. I texted her a couple hours ago asking how things are going and I haven’t gotten an answer.

I don’t know how to handle this. My therapist says she sounds like she’s borderline. My mom says I shouldn’t be stressing out over her especially since I am already under enough pressure from work and dealing with my own anxiety. Does anyone have any suggestions? Why does she seek my help but then not want it or answer my questions?
Question to honestly ask yourself... do you genuinely want to help her? What I mean is, if you had a choice between helping her and doing something else that you like to do, which one would you choose?

Some people don't know what they want, and then they go after it, and then they aren't sure if they even got what they were looking for or not. So they try again. Especially if neither side is really sure what's going on, it can continue for quite a long time. This is where it can be useful to use your intuition.
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 05:08 PM
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Question to honestly ask yourself... do you genuinely want to help her? What I mean is, if you had a choice between helping her and doing something else that you like to do, which one would you choose?

Some people don't know what they want, and then they go after it, and then they aren't sure if they even got what they were looking for or not. So they try again. Especially if neither side is really sure what's going on, it can continue for quite a long time. This is where it can be useful to use your intuition.
I honestly just don’t want to be rude to her. She for some reason likes me. I think more than I like her. I see her like 85% coworker 15% friend. I think she sees me more like 90% friend 10% coworker. I guess the fact that I fell asleep immediately after asking her what was wrong instead of staying up kinda proves that I am more concerned with the stuff that is going on in my own life.

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 06:07 PM
  #13
It's really hard to deal with situations like this, where someone wants to be your friend but you aren't really interested in a relationship with them -- especially when it seems they don't so much want to be your friend as they want *you* to be *their* support system. There's nothing wrong with being more concerned about your life than hers. She's more concerned about her life, so why shouldn't you care more about your needs than hers?

I would probably try to taper off, answer her texts a little more slowly, not hang out with her so much outside of work, just to let it all die down.
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 04:24 AM
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I honestly just don’t want to be rude to her. She for some reason likes me. I think more than I like her. I see her like 85% coworker 15% friend. I think she sees me more like 90% friend 10% coworker. I guess the fact that I fell asleep immediately after asking her what was wrong instead of staying up kinda proves that I am more concerned with the stuff that is going on in my own life.
Probably, and you have every right to be more concerned with your own stuff. I mean, just one life is already a whole lot to deal with.
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 09:00 AM
  #15
Well, if she doesn't respond to help or engaging with you and you don't want to be rude just respond with sorry you are struggling with that, let me know how you make out. I noticed that with our new technology this tweeting and texting is often one sided and a lot of people just post their life calendar not expecting to get help and replies or to talk about it.
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Default Jun 27, 2019 at 07:36 AM
  #16
It sounds like it might be time to quietly back away and out....

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