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WovenGalaxy
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Default Sep 07, 2019 at 05:59 PM
  #1
Background: I have deep seated anxiety and avoidance issues. Especially around new group social things. Its also difficult to get myself to go to certain things, even without deep anxiety.

I'm taking a DBT skills group for the second time, and I'm finally becoming cognizant of my true goals: I want to live a more social life. In realizing this, I've been motivated to set goals for myself each day for the last few days of this week. I feel like I failed. Because I failed to go to the social things I'd planned on. A lot of the things I wasn't completely enthusiastic about going to, but saw value in them and knew I'd probably be glad I went. Tonight there's a star gazing event that excites me. I cannot get myself to go. It is so frustrating and I feel disappointed.

My question is, do I maybe need to go slower? Am I biting off more than I can chew and also setting myself up for failure and disappointment? Because I feel I may not have the knowledge of how to use my skills or the right mentality, yet I'm attempting to do this stuff that feels too hard. I'm also in therapy and will absolutely discuss this at my next appt.
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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 08:13 AM
  #2
As with any goal you need to set the bar at those things that are actually doable and build upon them. Tasks must be realistic. They must also be measurable with some kind of reward each step on the way.

For example, maybe you might start with something simple you can easily remove yourself from should it be difficult. I speak of things like a visit to a library or a quick stop at a gallery. Basically I would start with a situation you can control that does not yet require social interaction. It ought to be something that simply gets you in the vicinity of people. Maybe then take yourself to a place like a mall where you can sit and observe people and their interactions with others. Work your way up to a situation where you directly communicate with someone. This could be as simple as a worker on a sales floor. And continue from there. Remember though to keep these situations ones you can escape from if necessary (you can always back your way out of that gallery or store for instance). Finally, place yourself in a social setting. Rewards? Maybe a fancy coffee. Perhaps a book from that library. Treat yourself then to something that is different.

Evaluate each step of the way. How will this help me to achieve my goal? Has performing it drawn me nearer? What was successful? What can I work on and change?
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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 08:15 AM
  #3
I’m too tired at the moment to really write a coherent reply but it’s great that you’re looking at goals & you’re making the effort. I have trouble getting out due to OCD & health issues but lately I am having trouble finding time to stay home & take care of myself. For me it needs to be a balance. I get nervous when I have too many things scheduled- it feels like pressure & I get more stressed & start canceling out of things. I can actually do a lot but feeling constantly obligated to do things doesn’t work for me. I would start slower & work up to doing more. It might be different for you. You will find what’s right for you. Talking to your therapist about it is a good idea. Take care.
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WovenGalaxy
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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 11:10 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66 View Post
As with any goal you need to set the bar at those things that are actually doable and build upon them. Tasks must be realistic. They must also be measurable with some kind of reward each step on the way.

For example, maybe you might start with something simple you can easily remove yourself from should it be difficult. I speak of things like a visit to a library or a quick stop at a gallery. Basically I would start with a situation you can control that does not yet require social interaction. It ought to be something that simply gets you in the vicinity of people. Maybe then take yourself to a place like a mall where you can sit and observe people and their interactions with others. Work your way up to a situation where you directly communicate with someone. This could be as simple as a worker on a sales floor. And continue from there. Remember though to keep these situations ones you can escape from if necessary (you can always back your way out of that gallery or store for instance). Finally, place yourself in a social setting. Rewards? Maybe a fancy coffee. Perhaps a book from that library. Treat yourself then to something that is different.

Evaluate each step of the way. How will this help me to achieve my goal? Has performing it drawn me nearer? What was successful? What can I work on and change?
Thanks Wishful Thinker. I appreciate your thoughtful reply and the information you have me. I have no problem whatsoever doing social things I can control and come and go as I please. Trip to the library? I'm there. I also find w some things, my anxiety is great, but once I'm there, I'm fine. Its just getting there that's extremely hard.

I think my issue is new social things, mainly. For instance, I'm signed up to take a poetry class in October. But I think this might be really hard for me maybe.

I also think its complicated within me. There are many factors.

I like the idea of a hierarchy though, incrementally, with rewards. I will definitely be talking in therapy about this.
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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 11:15 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightRain2019 View Post
I’m too tired at the moment to really write a coherent reply but it’s great that you’re looking at goals & you’re making the effort. I have trouble getting out due to OCD & health issues but lately I am having trouble finding time to stay home & take care of myself. For me it needs to be a balance. I get nervous when I have too many things scheduled- it feels like pressure & I get more stressed & start canceling out of things. I can actually do a lot but feeling constantly obligated to do things doesn’t work for me. I would start slower & work up to doing more. It might be different for you. You will find what’s right for you. Talking to your therapist about it is a good idea. Take care.
Thank you. I think going slow is a good idea too. I can relate, too, to piling too much on, and then becoming overwhelmed, then not doing anything. Then I get extremely frustrated with myself and end up moping and with low energy and isolating. Yes, I will find what works for me.
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