What do you think of this behavior?

Blueskyx · Oct 31, 2019 at 07:01 PM

I've had post traumatic stress symptoms and I got help with finding a job that would be a good step towards work I really wanted to do, but first I had to adapt to life to just live normally for a while and feel safe and all.

The person that was supposed to help me finding work, seemed to be decent at first and I trusted the person because of the job of this person.
When I had a bad experience at work, I was glad that I could rely on this person for support, it seemed like the person responded well at that moment even though there wasn't much useful feedback.
After that with new work this person told the employer that I look like a person who can do a lot, but in reality I couldn't do much. In other words, the person basicly just said I would be a bad employee, rather than being specific. Later I found out that this person probable also said all kinds of things behind my back, that I was supposed to be treated in a certain way, had to get certain tasks in a certain way and order.
This was complete nonsense, I didn't had all these strange kinds of disabilities.

There were several moments I thought about saying things about it, but this person had some kind of indirect suggestive way of communicating, like inplanting thoughts in my head instead of reciprocative clear and direct communication where I could say what I thought about it. So I tried to communicate in a similar way back, because I thought if I'm being direct about what's happening, that the person wouldn't respond well on that, because why else would someone communicate like that.

But since that didn't improve the situation there was a moment where I saw no other option than to confront the person with this behavior.

A bit as I expected, there was no accountability, the person wasn't willing to admit or explain anything. I don't even remember what all happened, but it went from me addressing the problems, to denying and turning it back on me, to again denying, defending and again back on me.
Eventually it went from me trying to address the problems towards no solution and 0% more clearity for me and suddenly, according to this person, I had all kinds of problems. I don't remember all things this person said but I remember things such as "it's not always someone elses fault", "what you think is incorrect", "you have these problems with other people as well".

Later when I thought back of it, I thought of what people sometimes said in court: objection, relevance. It didn't match with the conversation.
Nonetheless it had an extreme effect on me, I was unable to think properly for about a weak, I dissociated for about 2-3 days and just couldn't properly connect my own thoughts.
I was also affraid that this person would cause problems for me, because I had to get another person to help me.
Every time when I thought about it and tried to understand it, I felt extreme anger and frustration. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night and I had to go out and smoke as a way to try to surpress my stress and frustration.

Meanwhile I already had to get another person to help me with finding work. It wasn't just that it could help me, it was even more needed because my state was worse, I became more affraid of people.
I explained the situation towards a person who was in charge of finding a different person. This person at first seemed supportive, but also said that there will be a conversation with the person I was talking about but that I shouldn't have to worry that this is going to have a negative effect on me, I explained my worries.
I had a good feeling about it, that things will be fine, till I talked again with the person in charge and the behavior changed a lot, it was suddenly very strange and fake. It was like this person treated me like a little child and explained to me how communication worked. Every time when I tried to explain things, this person just pointed out, how what I did, thought or felt was wrong. The person in charge said that it was objective, that the person didn't know me or that other person, but for me it was like if the person in charge wanted me to get a statue of this person we were talking about and bow for it.
I had the idea this person was barely listening to me and was being very prejudged. I tried to make the best of it by explainig what my problems were and what kind of support I needed. It seemed like it helped a bit, but at the end the person told me: Thanks for telling me to truth. This was very creepy for me, because I had no idea what this person ment, it was just very inappropriate.

When I got the report I was relieved, not because I thought it was good, but I expected so much worse, I had all kinds of doom scenarios in my head of what all could go wrong and what kind of hopeless and powerless situation I could get in.
There was something written in it about the experience with the person who was supposed to help me find work at first. For a while I didn't realise this, but it didn't match well, it did however match with my experience with the conversation I had with the person in charge. I was suppose to make changes to it if I wanted and then sign it, but I had the idea that if I would criticize something, this person would turn (even more) against me, so I left it for what it was and I thought if I can just get work with this new person then I never have to have contact with that person in charge again.

So I made my escape out of this creepy situation, at least I thought. Till I noticed strange behavior from the new person that was supposed to help me to find work. It was fake, like the behavior of the person in charge and this person used the same words, both from me and from the person in charge. This new person also frequently used the name of the person in charge in conversations that had no relevance to that person. When I compared the 2 people, it was like they both had the same attitude, this new people also talked with we instead of I.
I thought about further explaining my problems, thinking this might help, but decided not to do this because I had the idea it might only cause more problems, so I only made simple explanations, something a person couldn't deal with in a wrong way and got better support elsewhere.

When talking about problems at work with someone, this person pointed out that it's a part of the job of that new person that helped me finding work. I thought about it and I thought maybe it is okay for me by now to talk more and maybe still get some kind of support.

But what happened was for me a complete nightmare. When I explained what happened at work, this new person twisted it in something else, not just what I said, but also the reactions was like I said something completely different. I was not allowed to use my knowlegde and my abilities to describe and judge things that happened at my work. I was only allowed to say how things felt, which was something this new person decided for me, what my feelings were based on what I said. I wasn't even allowed to say what I heard and saw. This new person also said that I couldn't do that, as in a lack of ability to be able to do that, I couldn't know that and that this new person wasn't there to judge it.

I said that this new person couldn't decide what my problems were, only I can decide that, this new person then came with: but yóú cán decide that for the people at your work. As if telling about your experience at work is the same thing as what that new person was doing.
When I explained that the behavior of this new person was a problem for me, all this new person did was make it my problem, same as what the person in charge did.

To me it's more than clear that I've been mistreated and that there were all kinds of things wrong, but other than that I have a lot of thoughts what to think of this and I find myself jumping from one reality to another, so I constantly change my mind. Not juste few possibilities that happened over a year, but more like 50 different possibilities within a week. Often I go back to previous possibilities and then again other possibilities and again some things I already thought of. It's maybe this, no I do think it's probable this after all, or maybe this could match as well, it could maybe be explained in this way or maybe this or there was this other thing that I read... and it goes on like this endlessly.

Lilly2 · Nov 01, 2019 at 05:57 AM

(((safe hugs)))

It's hard to tell what exactly you're going through, but it sounds like you're not being treated well.

Are you in a vocational rehabilitation program? Who are these people who are helping you find work? Are those people from a program, or are they your friends? Are they your coworkers?

It would help to know the answers to the above, in order to follow what you're saying.

Sometimes we receive harsh critiques, but it isn't meant to hurt us. If our communication needs improvement, they should be offering you advice on how to improve your communication for the job tasks at hand. If you are not qualified yet for a job, maybe you can work your way up to being qualified for that job. If you already have a job that you enjoy, no one should be sabotaging that; instead, they should be helping you grow into your job. If your workplace has become toxic, can you consider finding another job while staying at your current one, so that you don't lose money by quitting?

It's hard to make a judgment on the other people without knowing specific phrases in quotation marks, such as, Person A said, "You communicate poorly! You shouldn't be working here." --That's just a hypothetical example, not what I heard or read.

It is also hard when people "infantilize" you, or treat you like a child. Instead, they should respect where you're at, given your limitations with disabilities and otherwise. It's okay to have limitations; we all have limitations! For example, a person in a wheelchair cannot apply for police work, but that same person can go to school to become a lawyer! That person's limitations would include mobility, or the inability to walk, run, move fast, or utilize certain chairs. In the same way, those with mental disabilities and intellectual disabilities may have a difficult time conentrating, communicating, relating to others, picking up on social cues, acting in a professional manner, being alert and attentive at certain things, etc. It doesn't mean those limitations prevent you from working, but it may mean that those limitations may not work best with certain tasks at the moment, even though you could improve through being trained, mentored, eduated, or offered therapeutic tools for interpersonal effectiveness (e.g., DBT and/or CBT therapies). Emotion regulation is also an important aspect of working relationships. If you get easily offended from critiques, then that may mean that you could use some skills to help you regulate your emotions so that you don't feel as distressed when hearing those critiques. In many cases, those critiques are designed to help you improve on your job, or to reveal your limitations so that you can make a choice to leave if the job becomes too much for you to handle emotionally at the moment. In some cases, however, you may be experiencing toxic relationships, in which case, their communication is unprofessional. Overall, it's hard for me to understand what is going on without specifics. You describe a lot about how you felt, and a lot about how you perceived the "twisting" of words, but without specifics, it's difficult for me to understand what kind of relationship you had with those people, what kind of job you are working in (you don't have to be too specific, but you can say that it is an administrative job or a manufacturing job, for instance), and whether or not you are involved in a vocational rehabilitation program or some other program.

One way to resolve this would be to simply ask, "What can I do to improve this situation?" If those people give you some answers and tips, then you can work on those. If those people only give you negatives, meaning that they tell you that you cannot improve, then they aren't helpful to you. Still, you can follow through with a simple question like, "Why do you believe that?" See what they say. And without getting defensive, just thank them for their time and take a day or a week to figure out what could be an appropriate response. That's one scenario.

Another solution could be to find another job, and find different supports to help you find another job. You can still work where you are at, but try to find another job before you quit your current one.

Another solution would be to seek the help of a therapist. A therapist could help you learn how to improve your emotion regulation and communication with others. A therapist can also help you decide whether or not the current job is right for you, whether or not you are in a toxic environment, or whether or not your perceptions are representative of all that is going on at work. A therapist cannot decide for you, but a therapist can help you work toward making healthy and wise decisions about your current situation. Are you in treatment? Can you afford treatment?

Let us know how you're doing. If you can, please reply here with a little more clarification about what you're going through. Maybe others, apart from me, can offer better responses to your post. I hope that what I shared helps a little. If not, that's okay, too.

(((safe hugs)))

Blueskyx · Nov 02, 2019 at 01:28 PM

Quote: