Dysfunctional attraction

Why does someone continually find themselves attracted to the broken? Attracted to the damaged? Your thoughts.

Maybe someone is broken and damaged too .we love someone who is similar and close to us.or maybe someone likes curing and helping the others.so the others love someone and when they love .someone loves them too

It is a process you are familiar with. it is hard to change the tune.

Idk maybe to experience humanity.

Broken doesn’t mean unlovable. Many people who were broken have been great scientists, poets, artists, musicians etc. It may be that one understands why someone is broken and either chooses to ignore it or thinks they can help. Perhaps they just can’t stand the thought of being alone. This made me think of a quote from Thomas Jefferson of all people, “...and were we to love no one who had imperfections, this world would be a desert for our love.”

Some people just like projects.

I think we subconsciously choose people who trigger a childhood trauma we experienced, so that we can heal that experience (or we think we can) by taking care of that person. Because that person symbolizes the toxic family member who traumatized us.

I think when you date someone, you date their psychology. Who fit your idea of relationship roles that you grew up experiencing. My relationship pattern is codependent<->narcissist.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche I think we subconsciously choose people who trigger a childhood trauma we experienced, so that we can heal that experience (or we think we can) by taking care of that person. Because that person symbolizes the toxic family member who traumatized us. I think when you date someone, you date their psychology. Who fit your idea of relationship roles that you grew up experiencing. My relationship pattern is codependent<->narcissist.

I agree and I'll add that if we grew up in a chaotic environment we're used to "broken" people. Anything else seems boring.

Exactly.

It’s a romantic fantasy to think you are going to save or fix them and they will be so eternally grateful and give you eternal love and need you so much.

Also, it’s low self esteem. We find somebody more ‘messed up’ than us to look up to us and accept ‘broken’ us.

It could be a romantic fantasy but it's definitely a subconscious psychological need. I think it's driven by that need to fix that broken part of our childhood with this person. This person is emblematic of the person(s) in our family system that traumatized us. If you took care of an alcoholic parent, if you were abused by a parent, sibling, or relative, or family friend in some way. I think we are attracted to traits in other people that we grew up accustomed to dealing with. That's where the 'familiarity' piece comes into place.

I do agree that low self-esteem is a motivator. We have low self-esteem so we seek validation from these broken partners, who are not capable of validating us the way we need to be validated (by ourselves, first and foremost). So, they see us as an easy target and use and manipulate us for either the rest of our life or a short period of time until we leave that relationship.

The only way I can break my cycle of being attracted to emotionally vacant men who are narcissists, is...I don't know. I have tried therapy for nearly 27 years on this matter and I am STILL drawn to these types of men like a magnet. I can see their narcissistic traits as red flags, yet I still allow myself to get involved. Just read my posts here.

I don't know how to break the pattern. I really don't.