Friend who refuses to see a Dr.

I have a friend who lives too far away for me to deal with this in person.

He has never seen a doctor, and he's now 31 years old and developing some problems, but refuses to see a Dr. He claims he's "scared" of needles, even though I've told him most of type of visit he needs is just a physical, even though he does need bloodwork as well, seeing as some of his symptoms require it.

I've talked to him, I've pointed out the good points about seeing the Dr, I've tried to bribe him, and he's promised me he would go and never does.

Yeah, I know he's an adult, but the problems he's developing can turn serious if he doesn't nip them now. Being afraid of one needle is not warranted, as I've told him they make needles now that are so thin you don't feel anything, and all of a sudden its all over with.

He goes to a psychiatrist with no problems, but he will not go to a medical doctor.

Aside from me taking a very long trip and dragging him to the doctors office myself (which I can't afford right now), is there any other way I can convince him to go to the doctor for a complete physical?

If he doesn't go, how shold I handle it? Just let it go, or tell him I won't talk to him anymore unless he goes? We've been friends for years, so I'm at a point where I don't know what to do since we live so far away from each other.

chester, unfortunately, it's like that idiom, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink."

I have watched my roommate's family and friends exhaust themselves try to get her to inpatient treatment. Her best friend of 40 years literally showed up unannounced at her door with two county social workers and gave my roommate 10 minutes to pack a bag or she would be forcefully removed by the two county social workers. Of course, they didn't take her to inpatient treatment (she wasn't homicidal or suicidal). Just to a week long temporary stay at the local mental health unit in the hospital. Since I've been renting her guest bedroom for six months now, she's been hospitalized twice.

Sometimes, my roommate's ex-husband or mother will show up at her door on the weekend and ask her to go with them to the hospital. She'll refuse to leave and then they just leave. Her sister lives out of state, and won't file a petition with the county here, to get my roommate examined for inpatient treatment. During her second hospitalization, her friend of 40 years told me they've been enabling my roommate like this for the past five years.

It sounds like you really care about your friend and have sacrificed time and money to fly to where your friend lives to drag him to the medical doctor without any results.

Is anyone in your friend's family, his POA (power of attorney)? Does his psychiatrist know if your friend's refusal to seek medical treatment?

Since you live out of state, I would just let it go. There's nothing you can do. Like my roommate's sister who is her power of attorney and who lives in another state, there's nothing she can do (since she won't file a petition against her own sister). I don't know what else you could do. If your friend doesn't want to go to the doctor, there's nothing you can do to force him.

There is absolutely nothing you can do. I've been married for over thirty years and literally cannot recall the last time my husband went to the doctor. He claims that he doesn't believe in medical science, but the truth is that he's terrified of everything having to do with seeing a doctor. He believes that he'll pass out when they take his blood pressure, and he's terrified of losing consciousness.

My husband is 72 years old and I can never forgive the hardship it causes me because he refuses medical care. He's having prostate problems...I explained to him that if prostate cancer is caught early it's almost always curable. If it advances - not good. He won't budge. So ignorant.

I believe that every person who is terrified of going to the doctor should be forced to walk through a hospital's oncology ward and take a field trip into the ICU, spend a morning working with stroke recovery patients, and so on and see what they might avoid if they would get regular medical care. Some people think "If I'm sick, I'll just quietly die". Uh, no. It doesn't go that way.


I have zero sympathy for an adult who refuses medical care. Everyone is afraid of the doctor to some extent, but it isn't just about "ME" - it's about everyone who cares about you and/or depends upon you.

Acceptance is your answer.

As much as you care he has to want to help himself. Stop trying to bribe him or making him promise to go. Quite frankly at this point it is not your problem it is his.

Another thought.....the more he feels MANIPULATED to go, the less likely he will.

It has to be their idea.....the consequences of NOT going are theirs to deal with, not ours.

My mother ignored the cancer she had until it was terminal then expected her oncologist to "save her life".....it is called consequences they have to live or die with.

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Originally Posted by eskielover Another thought.....the more he feels MANIPULATED to go, the less likely he will. It has to be their idea.....the consequences of NOT going are theirs to deal with, not ours. My mother ignored the cancer she had until it was terminal then expected her oncologist to "save her life".....it is called consequences they have to live or die with.

Was that difficult for you, or no?

It’s really hard for someone who cares to watch that person refuse to help themselves, even to save their own lives. I witnessed this as a child. I’m sorry you will just have to suffer the pain and frustration from being helpless.

Here's a different perspective ...

Sadly, I know all to well the consequences of not being able to get the medical attention I need.

I regret that I simply cannot "go there" when it comes to invasive medical procedures of any kind.

I regret that it confuses and hurts my friends that don't understand why.

For me, it's rooted in long-term trauma and child abuse of a very violent and interpersonal nature.

It did not help that members of the medical community were friends of the family and complicit in helping to cover it up for my abusers.

The doctors that have tried to shame, berate, cajole and/or manipulate me into "going there" are anything but professional.

Furthermore, doctors are not gods and can EFF a body up through their own negligence and mistakes!

I'm still paying the price for a horrid life experience I never asked for and am doing the best I can.

If anyone wants to judge me for that, then that's their issue.

Like another poster stated above, it all boils down to acceptance - because we cannot force another human being to do our bidding!

Also, a little empathy and compassion never hurts.

People are already suffering enough!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags Was that difficult for you, or no?

Sadly it just reinforced the knowkedge I had all my life that my mother lacked wisdom. I felt bad for her but on top of that bad choice she made others at the end when she was in denial that caused me to get into conflict with the home care person I caught abusing her & the police got involved & I ended up dealing with PTSD for years after that. I struggled to just forgive my mom for that after she died. Don't think I ever grieved.

I wish I could make this (and what Eskie said) a sticky post. Thank you so much for sharing, Pfrog. You have no idea how much you moved me this morning.

Thank you @Pfrog I have allot of anxiety going to any doctor. I was harmed by one when i was a child. You can't force someone to go to the doctor and it will do more harm then good to keep bugging your friend to. I know you care and thats good. Hopefully he will work up the courage to go to the doctor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover Sadly it just reinforced the knowkedge I had all my life that my mother lacked wisdom. I felt bad for her but on top of that bad choice she made others at the end when she was in denial that caused me to get into conflict with the home care person I caught abusing her & the police got involved & I ended up dealing with PTSD for years after that. I struggled to just forgive my mom for that after she died. Don't think I ever grieved.

How sad, yes. Your experience is what I fear with my husband. He refuses all medical care, so who will be the one to care for him should his health become compromised? Yeah, me. It hurts that his choice about medical care is so unwise and selfish. And btw - he has never had any bad experience with a doctor. He does have (untreated) PTSD and terribly anxiety.