Self reflection - trying to find the underlying root of my issues....

I'm trying to work on my main issues in my life, but feel that somehow they must all be connected to one thing. Or can you have two or more different root causes that cause specific behaviours? It'll probably be easier to explain my main issues and where i think they come from.

1. Social anxiety - i think this is my biggest problem to date, and the most rehabilitating. It isn't just social anxiety with everyone, but specific sets of people - certain co-workers (intimidating ones), people who i think are better/more normal than me but the main one is partners friends and family.

I think the underlying cause of the anxiety here is the need to be approved of and liked. I don't particularly feel i have low self-esteem but i guess i must do if i worry about impressing people so much?

2. Jealousy - when i am in a relationship i feel very easily jealous and possessive. I see almost every other woman as a potential threat.

I think the underlying cause here is that i want to be the main object of my partner's desires and no one else. I want their attention completly, but i don't really get jealous when they hang out with family and friends, just other females, so i guess it is more about feeling like i will lose them. Could this also have something to do with low self-esteem? Or feeling like i need to control my other half?

3. Catastrophizing - i do find my mind always does go to the worse case scenario a lot. No matter what it is. If someone hasn't messaged me back, often i will assume that they have been in an accident or something.

I think the underlying cause here is that i'm worried about a sudden change to my life negatively that would cause some upheaval and change. I this a lack of control?

So i'm trying to piece together the one central reason for all the above and i'm not quite finding it. I feel that control and being afraid to lose control in my life is a biggie, and could relate to these three topics. But the social anxiety i think is more than about control, it's about being liked. I've always been a people pleaser too.

If anyone has any ideas of where i run with this information that has taken a while to uncover and where next i should go that would be most appreciated!

Thank you x

Hi there and welcome to the forum!

I can relate to many of the issues you face. I think it can come down to a lower self esteem and a weakened self image. If one feels really strong inside and self assured, what other people think doesn't matter so much, and people pleasing isn't a problem. When we are comfortable in our own skin and with being who we are inside, we don't feel the need to people please. People pleasing comes from wanting to be liked. Nothing wrong with wanting to be liked or appreciated, since most people are like that, but when we bend over backwards trying to please others, we can compromise our own desires and wishes, even going against them.

And jealousy? Feeling threatened by other women? I can be the same exact way. Other women CAN be threatening, especially if they openly flirt with your partner and/or show interest, AND if your partner responds to the flirting or interest being shown to them. I find that open communication is important about these types of things. If your boyfriend or partner is hanging out with other women on a 1:1 alone basis, that can potentially make anyone feel more insecure or unsettled, unless that woman has a boyfriend. You may always be wondering is there an attraction? Or are they strictly just "friends"? Is something else going on? Keeping scenarios where the other person may feel more insecure to a minimum is what a caring, loving relationship involves. If your partner knows that by hanging out with other women it will create jealousy and insecurity, why do it? Or why do it often? That would be rubbing a sore spot in your partner knowingly. Then again, some men and women CAN have strictly platonic friendships where there is zero attraction. I think this one can be tricky business. Others may disagree with me, but ultimately I think two partners who care about each other's happiness and feelings will keep jealousy-provoking situations to a minimum.

I don't know much about social anxiety, so I cannot speak to that issue personally. From what you say, it does seem to point to a self esteem issue. When one is feeling good about themselves, other people don't feel as threatening. Also best to not make comparisons. Everyone is on their own path and what may look more "normal" to you, may have its own set of issues and struggles. Most people struggle in life, and if they don't appear to be struggling, they're hiding it well on the outside. You just never know what another person's life is really like on the inside.

I hope this helps you somewhat. Others may have some good ideas and helpful thoughts for you too.

welcome lbeats88. having struggled with a few of the same problems, I can relate to how you feel. I think highly of myself but sometimes I get defeated by how I think others may think of me. I let my own moodiness get in the way of how I feel about myself and what I know about reality. I think what you describe is common in most people, even if they don't know it. But it is difficult to say what is causing your anxiety and patterns of thought.. I think it is important to continue to explore these issues here and with those you may feel comfortable with. I wish you the best of luck in your relationships and again, welcome to psych central

"Catastrophizing" this sounds like a soft drink. Take an easy on yourself.