Possible to be treated in a cold manner due to associating with a toxic person

I've always thought it is possible to be treated in a cold manner if you associate with a toxic person, even if you don't treat others or have a bad attitude towards others yourself. I had experiences in the past where I was with someone who turned out to have a real attitude problem and, the more I got to know the person, the more I started to see how the person was toxic. Anytime the person gave someone else an attitude or treated someone rude, I noticed that, just by association, I would be treated in a cold manner by whoever the toxic person was rude to. Then, as soon as I stopped hanging out with the toxic person, those who used to be standoffish with me were suddenly nicer and warm towards me.

This is another good reason to not be around toxic, two faced people that some people mistakenly call friends or even other family members. And anyone can be standoffish, even those with more authority. Once in college, I was hanging out with someone who I thought was a true friend. But the more I got to know her, the more I started to realize how rude and toxic she was. She even went as far as to give a security guard a mouth just because he politely asked us not to hang out close to a pond for safety reasons. It was discovered later on that many many years ago, someone died in the pond after having a medical emergency and no one could find the person for awhile. Pretty sad and scary. The person I used to be friends with didn't care and said that if she wants to be by the pond, then she will and doesn't give a crap what others say.

That made me exceptionally uncomfortable since giving someone with that much authority is typically a big no-no. I noticed for a short period while I associated with the toxic person, that the person with authority appeared to be a bit unfriendly towards me. Not rude, but just a bit cold. As soon as I stopped hanging out with the toxic "friend" I was suddenly treated better by the security guard. He was suddenly more friendly and warm. We attended a small college so it was super obvious when someone was no longer hanging out with another person. My college was smaller than my high school and it's even built like a high school.

I've had other similar experiences where I may be with someone, that person is rude to someone else and just by association, I get the cold shoulder or a attitude even if I didn't treat someone rude myself and never would. There has been times where if I am with someone who is rude, I will silently mouth sorry to whoever was the recipient of the rude behavior. It is uncomfortable to be in that situation. I've stopped hanging out with people who treat others that way especially in public because it's embarrassing and I don't want to associate with that. Has anyone ever have this experience? Have you ever stopped hanging out with someone because of how they treat others especially in public? It is not pleasant to be around someone who makes a fool of themselves by being rude and having others see you associating with them.

Dear rdgrad15,

There is so much truth in what you say! I have had similar experiences myself and sadly more than a few times. It is nice that you have silently mouthed "sorry" in the situations you described. I think many people labeled as "toxic" are suffering from undiagnosed mental illness. I used to get angry at such people, but now I tend to feel sorry for them. Happy and well-adjusted people are generally not habitually rude and insensitive in my experience.

The ancient philosopher Lao Tzu once said: "I would find good people good and bad people good if I was good enough myself." Although I strive for that level of benevolence, sadly I fall quite short of it.

I am so sorry for the terrible experiences you have had!

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen

This reminds me of an experience I had years ago working in a psych hospital. I had started covering a particular unit, along with some others, pretty regularly. I did notice that the staff on this unit did not talk to me unless they had to. I decided they must have had a bad experience with some nurses and just went about my business. After a few months, one of the staff came up to me and said "I guess you noticed we haven't been talking to you. Do you know why?" I said "I figured you were just wondering what ****of a nurse you were getting this time". They laughed. No, it was explained to me that a sometimes-co-worker who had pulled some very crazy, even dangerous "games" at work told them I was her "best" friend. "We thought That's All We Need"...and the they talked and said "You're OK, she probably told you we were her friends." (true)
(btw the troubled coworker did eventually get help, change jobs and became a much more stable person).

Thank you and I agree with you! Yeah I honestly do believe those who are toxic either have a mental disorder or truly believe they are entitled and may be narcissistic or even histrionic.

Oh wow! I'm sorry you had to go through that. Yeah they ignored you out of association, which in this case, turned out to be false. I'm glad that one coworker who caused problems got helped and got a different job.

Yes, absolutely. I have first hand experience with this but in a slightly different twist. There's a string of people associated with my long term partner who give me the cold shoulder.. or better yet, "the eye" even when they're being "friendly" to me. It's odd. I'm a good person and I find my partner to be quite toxic. Some of his associates are friendlier towards me when he's not around, and some are friendlier towards me when he is around.. but they all have that same look. He's not a good person. He's very insecure and his biggest concern in life is to maintain an image. He wants people to believe he's a nice and friendly guy but really, I'm starting to believe he's a bit of a sociopath. Sounds harsh but when reading the descriptions, I see him in it. The lack of empathy, the chronic lying, the pleasure in someone else's misfortunes, the gossips, the gaslighting, the blame, the self-perceived victim, the manipulations, etc. I think he's been trying to sabotage my reputation for some time.. little by little.. trying to convince me he loves me and I'm just "jealous", "paranoid", "controlling", "insecure", etc.. which gets passed around. Truth is, he's been describing himself and taking me down along the way. It's a form of isolation.. abuse. He doesn't want me to leave. He's scared being alone.. codependency issues.. he's leaned on me for financial support, reputation building, comfort/security,.. and worst of all, he's used me to have children with. Sad.

Wow I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Yeah he definitely has problems and needs help. I totally understand the feeling of having people give you they eye when they know that you associate with him. I’ve had that too when I’ve associated with someone who turned out to be toxic.

Your partner sounds like a sociopath. And yeah I’ve dealt with people who loved attention and believed they are superior than others. Also have dealt with extremely paranoid people, at the level that indicated they have a mental disorder.

I agree this happens, when people have a disorder like sociopathy or severe paranoid personality disorder... etc. It’s not you.

Yep I agree.

Hey @rdgrad15 This reminds me of "guilt by association". People will judge you for who you associate with. And if you associate with someone who is a terrible or toxic person then others will assume you are either the same way or that you approve of the behavior of the toxic person.
By nature, most toxic people treat just about everyone poorly. So people that treat you coldly because of this person often have had their own experiences with this toxic person and by association they will also be wary of you. This is different then having unique or diverse friends that people will judge (ex someone who is a biker but looked upon as a drug dealing "son's of anarchy" member just because they look the part.

Quote:

Then, as soon as I stopped hanging out with the toxic person, those who used to be standoffish with me were suddenly nicer and warm towards me.

well there's your clear indication that its all about the toxic person and has nothing to do with you. It also shows that people will not forever hold something against you for being friends with this person.

Yeah I agree. I can see why people would be wary, I would be too and I do believe guilt by association is very common like you mentioned. It is a natural thing.

In my experience, the more you are around someone, the more you begin to behave like them. As you get used to their behaviors, that behavior normalizes for you, and you eventually begin doing them yourself.

I don't see how this can differ in terms of personality traits or the "vibe" that other people get off of you. If you're around a toxic person, you begin subconsciously adopting their toxic traits, and even if you don't realize it, or even use the traits you've adopted, other people can tell. Your body language changes, your thought process and speech patterns change, and it displays the same as a toxic person even when you are not.

A common example of "osmosis" as it were, would be a British family spending a long time in the USA until, eventually, they can precisely adopt the American accent while they are out - but the moment they get home, the people they have associated with the longest (as well as their traits) begin to show in them.

It's not suggesting that environment alone is the factor, but also the prolonged exposure to a specific behavior.

Really the best way to get rid of the cold vibe is to get back to your true self for a while, and avoid the toxic person entirely. You'll actually even FEEL the difference.

Oh I agree. And I already got rid of those people I mentioned a long time ago. These were just examples. But yeah, as soon as you get rid of the toxic people in your life, your true self will show. I agree that you become toxic yourself, or at least will become toxic, if you are around someone who is toxic long enough.