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Erecura
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Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 50
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#1
I have an extreme need for attention. It's funny and weird at the same time, because I'm also a shy and socially anxious introvert.
My unhealthy habits include imaging people watching me. I have these elaborate fantasies about having a camera system in my house and people watching and analyzing me. I know there's no such thing, I know nobody's really watching, but the idea of it seems so amazing to me, that I just love to imagine it. I tell myself it's to help me put things into perspective and see myself using the eyes of someone else , but no. Honestly it's just the fact that I desire to be seen, watched and judged by other people. Sometimes I imagine that Tesla invented the time machine that can also make people invisible. So I fantasy about my history heroes coming into my house, being invisible and watching me and learning about this decade throughout my experiences. I honestly want to stop doing it. Even though, I know none of it is real, it's become such a huge part of my life that I cannot imagine living without it. Often, I find myself acting out or doing unnatural things to impress my non-existing "stalkers". I fear that in future, this might further and further influence my behavior. My biggest fear is that, once I could lose track of what is real and what isn't and become paranoid or schizophrenic. Using forums, such as this one, is a part of it too. I have friends irl, I have a partner, caring family, tons of people who care about me, but I choose to share my problems publicly, 'cause it gives me the thrill... I've alway wanted to be famous. I've always imagined myself as famous and I work in media. About 100 thousand people can see and hear my work each day. Still, it doesn't feed my attention hungry self. I don't know what to do. I actually feel extremely bad about this. This is a legit and real addiction that I have no idea how to stop. |
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Yaowen
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*Beth*
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MsLady
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#2
Is this what Histrionic Personality Disorder looks like? I'm not at all labeling you. I'm trying to understand this dx better myself, and due to a family member.. and reading this post made me wonder. Worth a peek?
I'm wondering, because of your anxieties and introvert personality, seeking this level of attention in real life is scary. So naturally, creating a pretend world to get this attention, makes sense to me. Does schizophrenia or other personality disorders run in your family? I'm also wondering what your childhood was like. Did you often feel you were ignored or neglected? Were you a "middle child"? Do you know where this behaviour stems from? I think it's common to have fantasies and I don't think it's a negative, either. Your concerns of it potentially leading into this gray area is a valid one. Have you seen a counselor about this? You'd warrant her attention..? |
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*Beth*, Iloivar
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Member
Erecura
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Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 50
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#3
Quote:
Schizophrenia does not run in my family. I was worried about it, because the habit of imagining being seen has gone so far, that I do it subconsciously. I do a basic task and suddenly my mind is like: “The person who is watching you now thinks you’re weird.” I try to stop it, I tell my self that there is obviously none watching me and I need to stop imagining it, but I always slip back to it. I’m actually an only child of a single mother. She gave me whole lot of attention when I was a child. A little too much actually. I used to be bullied at school though and I didn’t have many friends as a kid. |
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patient18
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: Azerbaijan
Posts: 5
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#4
I have been experiencing this for 4-5 years now.I told my psychologist about that,and I realized that I did it because i wanted to be noticed in front of my relatives(they are the main heroes of my fantasies).Just wanted to prove myself,because I have been keepimg this anger towards them for my entire life,even though they didn't really hurt me or anything.I felt neglected as a kid,felt not good or smart or pretty enough.And these fantasies are the results of that childhood trauma.I guess ,you are engaged in the same situation.
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catches the flowers
*Beth*
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Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#5
You sound like a fabulously creative and imaginative person. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that! The trick is finding an effective way to channel the gifts you have. Have you ever been involved in drama or theater...anything like that?
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MsLady
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Member
Erecura
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Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 50
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#6
Thank you, well, I used to do drama when I was a teenager and I wanted to study it, but I changed my mind at the last moment and rather decided to study media and later writing. I write my own poetry and prose a lot and also sing and write songs, so I do a lot of creative stuff.
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*Beth*
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*Beth*
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catches the flowers
*Beth*
is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind,
body, spirit.
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
23.7k hugs
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#7
Keep being creative!
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