I think I'm just a bad person but don't know why

I grew up without love or care, and in an abusive-in-all-ways home, just as a bit of background, since I think that's related to this.
I realized the other day that, without knowing it, I just think I'm a bad person like I think the earth is round, the sky is blue, and flowers are pretty. It's just part of how I view life.
I started trying to think - well, what is it that I've done that was so terrible? And I thought, well, I stole a penny from my mom when I was 9, to test and see whether she really would be able to tell if I took one of her pennies. And then was afraid to put it back and hid it a hundred different times and finally lost it. That makes me a thief. And then, in high school, I shoplifted a lipstick from a dept. store. And I have taken situations that I really could have tolerated if I tried hard enough, and said that I couldn't tolerate them, to avoid having to tolerate them. I filed for disability even though I know that if my life depended on it, I could force myself to work. I have told lies to keep from being embarrassed. And I tell people about my chronic pain to distract them from my existence bc it feels safer to have them look at me as a disabled person than to see me as a person. And.... I have wished death on my abusers (and the wish was granted in one case) I feel like a liar bc people all think I'm this super nice and sweet person who always helps anyone who needs it, etc... but the truth is, I don't always do the nice stuff for any reason other than I'm afraid ppl will be mad at me if I don't. I'm nice to people & act like I like them when I really just want to avoid them.

At any rate, I am certain that I'm a bad person but when I look at the sum of all of my 'depravity', it seems kind of thin. I can't reconcile the clear and solid conviction that I'm a bad person and have always been a bad person ---- with the reality of 'um, but what have I done that was really so awful?'

This has been bothering me a lot - and I can't figure out how to get around it. Or whether it's related to PTSD or MDD or something else.

Would love any suggestions!!!!! Thank you

I wish I had some suggestions for you. Well... I guess I do have one. It's the Buddhist practice called "compassionate abiding". And it's my go-to practice for intrusive thoughts, compulsions, & other troublesome things in my life. It's not a cure. But it is a way of dealing with thoughts, urges, etc. that bother me.

Basically what I do is to simply allow the thought to be there (because it already is.) I breathe into it & perhaps smile to it. I may even place a hand over my heart as a sign of acceptance & compassion for whatever it is that is troubling me. And then I just allow the thought to fade at it's own pace (which doesn't generally take long because my mind is always leaping from one thing to another.) Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

Let me just add however that if the things you listed in your post are the worst you've done, from my perspective as a truly bad person, you haven't even gotten off to a good start yet. But I don't mean to belittle how you feel about the things you mentioned. My personal non-professional opinion would be though that how you feel about the things you did has more to do with depression & perhaps low self-esteem than it does true badness. Here are links to 2 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Breaking Free from the Bonds of Badness

How to Stop Punishing Yourself

A lot of the things you are describing do sound pretty minor, and pretty typical. If you have chronic pain collecting disability may be your only option, since many employers are unwilling to work around many special requirements you might have due to your condition. Just because you have bad thoughts directed toward someone who abused you doesn't mean you caused anything bad to happen to them, thoughts are just thoughts, and those particular thoughts seem understandable. It's just the depression talking to you trying to find everything you have ever done or said that could be construed as less than perfect behavior.

Wow, the 'breaking free from the bonds of badness' is exactly what I needed to read, thank you. I think I'll need to read it about a thousand times, lol, but just realizing it's a common enough thing for someone to write an article about exactly the way I'm feeling is somehow comforting.
I don't actually feel bad about any of the stuff on that list. Well. I do feel really conflicted about the disability stuff. I wouldn't hire me, bc I have memory problems, which causes flakiness and inconsistent abilities (one day I can bake a gourmet cheesecake, next day I can't boil an egg w/out burning it) plus the pain - so realistically, I would make a poor employee, but I am just certain that if I really wanted to, I could make it work and that the fact that I gave up and filed for disability (and was granted) means I don't really want to work = I'm lazy =
Generally though I just feel bad about myself. Pretty much like it says in the article. my sense of self is that I'm a bad person. No real evidence (I did get a speeding ticket once, and was actually speeding, so I totally deserved it.) for my conviction that I'm a bad person, just that conviction. Anyway - thank you very very much for this comment, that article is a big help.
Compassionate abiding looks really hard, and a little intimidating, but I'm going to keep that tab open, and re-read it for a few days to make it a little more familiar feeling, until I figure out a way to ease into it gently.
Thanks so much for this very helpful response.

Thank you. I do feel guilty about pretty much everything in the world, sometimes, lol. Darn depression.

I am so glad you posted this. I have always believed this about myself. Not good enough to be alive.

I have finally decided I understand the root of all this. Only took 56 years. I was born blind in my left eye. The eye was fine. The brain part was broken. The treatment was to patch the good eye and force information into the bad one, so the brain could learn to see. It worked. I was about 1.

Problem was, I was a super duper sensitive, loving, empathetic, sweet little creature. The patch terrified me. Huge trauma, walking around, stumbling into things, unable to see or process visual data. Beyond terrifying.

Because of the specific, supersensitive neurochemical makeup God gave me, my little 1 yr-old self turned this terror inward, blaming me. Assigning responsibility. Age 1. My conclusion from all this was that I was obviously inferior, defective, and therefore, did not deserve to be alive. This drove a lifelong competitive streak that took me to the world's finest hospitals and the top of my field. Fame and fortune. Motivation. Drive. But I still struggle feeling inadequate. Working on it. Working on it.

You are not alone! Hugs and love!

Awww!! poor you-as-a-baby!!!! That must have been awful and terrifying!!!
Working on it is all anyone can do. Even just realizing this stuff is a huge victory, I think!!!