What affects our views of ourselves?

I primarily view myself as a failure who is not worthy of anything good, and needless to say, this affects all aspects of my life. I am not that different than other people in terms of capabilities and potentials, I think, yet it seems that I am different on how I perceive myself, and thus I am way behind in life in terms of the normal progression of an average person (I am a person with no job prospects and financial security whatsoever, and with no close relationships). Even when I talk about myself, I mainly confess I am not good, and I am full of faults and flaws, and I communicate this message verbally and non-verbally (I was doing this a lot in my last job), while a "normal" person may say positive things to promote their image in others' minds, and that they are capable of doing things, even if it is not entirely true. Why some people view themselves positively, while others negatively?

Don't compare yourself to others. Your childhood and growing up affects how you see yourself. Explore it with a Therapist.

Dear Dinurnal,

I am so very, very sorry you are struggling with things. Although I am not in your shoes and wouldn't want to trespass on the absolute uniqueness of your experience, I can definitely identify with the thoughts and feelings you expressed from my own personal life and experience.

If you would permit me, I would like to offer you three philosophical ideas that you might want to consider . . .

1] It is very common when one is feeling low to sort of put oneself and one's life on trial, mentally speaking. But when one is feeling low, these trials are very strange. There is a judge, a jury and a prosecutor. But something critical is usually missing. Where is the defense attorney? In every fair trial there must be a defense attorney. Otherwise the trial is not fair to the person being tried nor is it fair to fairness itself. So I wonder if perhaps you are giving yourself a fair trial here?

2] In a valid comparison, it is essential not only to compare oneself to those who have done better than oneself. To be fair one must also compare oneself to those who have done worse. This is the only way to maintain objectivity, balance and perspective. Allow me to give you an example. Failures constitute a wide range. There have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who failed at life because they caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through programs of genocide and forced starvation. I think here of Hitler and Stalin and Pol Pot. Now on the scale of failures, this is a significant and awful failure.

I do not believe that anything you have not succeeded at so far in life has resulted in the destruction of tens of millions of people, millions of people, hundreds of thousands of people, tens of thousands of people, thousands of people, hundreds of people and so on. Any "failures" you have made in life are almost infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things. You are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, away from any kind of failure like this.

In addition . . . there are hundreds of thousands of people in prison today who have done awful, awful horrible things to other human beings, acts of unimaginable horror, ghastly and sickening acts of cold hearted violence against others, many of whom have been maimed and lost their lives. You have not committed any failure like this.

So I think it is important to keep some perspective if you are able.

If I could spread your life out before me, I am sure I would find within it countless little and big acts of bravery and courage, countless little and big acts of intelligence, countless little and big acts of kindness, sweetness, generosity, empathy, and compassion. You may say that these don't count. But perhaps they don't count because you don't count them.

3] Your life is not over. Sometimes it is the later acts of a person that ultimately define them. Right now I am thinking of a man who lived in Germany. During his life until middle age he was considered a failure. He failed in his educational goals. He failed many times in his career life. He was not an ideal husband by any means. He had many vices. Even he himself often thought his life was a waste. However, at some point in his life he found a way to save the lives of thousands of people who were to be sent to Nazi Death Camps for execution. And do you know what? Today nobody remembers his failures in life because the heroic thing he did in his later life erased all of that. And it could be that all those failures led up to and maybe even helped him to finally become that amazing human being that he became.

4] But heroism is not simply something limited to grand history making feats. I know a very poor little woman. She is desperately poor. But each day she goes for walks and she goes into gas stations and convenience stores and puts a few pennies into those little charity boxes for the March of Dimes, St. Jude's Hospital, UNICEF. Perhaps she doesn't do great things, but she does little things with great love. I have no idea what misfortunes or failures this woman suffered in life. But she has transmuted all that and turned it into pure gold. She is a saint.

There was a time when I had an illness for which I had to be quarantined. I was unable to leave my house and yard. What could I do in these circumstances? Well, I have always loved animals. So every day I went out and gave some bread crumbs and water to the little ants in my yard. I left a bit of food for the birds, squirrels, chipmunks and other creatures. When I went to get the mail I decided to walk careful in my steps so as not to crush the lives of the little creatures, like ants walking beneath my feet. If I saw a little critter in trouble I would try to help it. It was nothing big, just trying to put a little more empathy, compassion and love into the world.

Everyone is capable of doing "successful things". I have met people here on the Forum who give their time each day to read the posts of other people in distress and give them a little pat on the back or a hug. How wonderful and beautiful! Such little acts of kindness reach up into Heaven itself.

Do you know the story of Thomas Edison when he was working on creating the light bulb. Experiment after experiment resulted in a failure. This didn't work. That didn't work. Days, weeks, months and years of disappointment. And someone told Edison to give up because all his efforts had failed. And do you know what Thomas Edison said? He said: "I have not failed, I have just discovered 10,000 things that don't work."

Many people look at themselves only from one point of view: "could be better, but am not better." They forget to balance this view with other view: "I could be worse, but I am not worse."

Sometimes low mood affects our ability to keep perspective and balance. Sometimes we just put ourselves on trial in these horrible trials with no defense to speak up for us. And these trials are so unfair, just travesties of justice.

Sometimes low mood becomes depression, which is a medical illness and sometimes the medical illness prevents a person from having a sense of balance, proportion and perspective. This is not the fault of the person. It is the fault of the illness. In such cases, it is sometimes helpful to consult a physician.

Since I am not a physician or medical professional, I cannot offer any advice that you or anyone could or should rely upon. I am only offering you my very human and very fallible opinions. Perhaps I am wrong. I am often wrong about things. Because of that, I hope your post will be seen by many, many members here and that they will have really helpful words for you and better, better words than my poor words.

It takes tremendous courage to bear without ourselves when everything seems to be going badly. But that itself is a heroic virtue. People who seem to succeed at everything never have to face the need for that heroic virtue. I wish I knew what to say to help ease the pain you experience. It is awful to see your suffering so. My heart goes out to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Did you get this message when you were young?

Quote:

Originally Posted by pachyderm Did you get this message when you were young?

Probably this has roots in my childhood (my father was and still is very critical of me), but I didn't feel this unworthy and self-hatred until recently (in the las 5 years or so).