Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

Manic Macca · Jun 10, 2012 at 09:24 PM

Guy Takes the Bathtub Test for Mental Health
During a visit to the mental asylum, Guy asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’
‘Oh, I understand,’ said Guy. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or teacup.
‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. (Pause.)
… Guy, do you want a bed near the window?

iamspecial · Jun 15, 2012 at 11:30 PM

Mrs Brown:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

iamspecial · Jun 15, 2012 at 11:32 PM

Mrs Brown:

Your So Ugly Even Freddie krueger Has Nightmares About You haha good 1

iamspecial · Jun 15, 2012 at 11:36 PM

Mrs Brown:

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."

iamspecial · Jun 15, 2012 at 11:37 PM

Mrs Brown:

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

iamspecial · Jun 15, 2012 at 11:55 PM

I Wish Feckin Facebook would notify me when people delete me. At least that way i can Feckin "Like" it....

iamspecial · Jun 16, 2012 at 12:13 AM

Sorry for the language but this is sooooooooooooo funny!! ha ha ha OMGoodness!! LOL ha ha ha

3 boys were playing football in the street. 1 was called manners, 1 called $hit and 1 called f**koff. On this sunny afternoon, while the boys were playing, they didn,t notice a car speeding down the road. All of a sudden $hit got run over!! Manners ran to help $hit and told f**koff to run to the telephone box and ring for help. "OK!!" he said. As f**koff got to the phonebox he dialed 999. A lady on the other end said "how can I help you?". "I need an ambulance NOW!!, my friend has been run over by a car" Ok said the lady, now what's your name? F**koff, he said. I beg your pardon?!!!! said the lady. F**koff!! he said. Wheres your manners? said the lady. In the middle of the road picking $hit up!!!!

OctobersBlackRose · Jun 16, 2012 at 05:39 PM

Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

unaluna · Jun 19, 2012 at 09:50 PM

Dumb and Dumber were riding in a car.
Dumb: Look at the bunch of cows.
Dumber: Not "bunch", "herd".
Dumb: Heard of what?
Dumber: Herd of cows.
Dumb: Of course I've heard of cows!
Dumber: No, no - a cow HERD!
Dumb: What do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.

iamspecial · Jun 23, 2012 at 06:02 PM

No Fuse No Flame · Jun 23, 2012 at 06:18 PM

A good practical joke. I filled a buddies tool bin in his bucket truck(Large trashbag full) with empty water bottles. When he opened the door, the look on his face was priceless. He tried to stop them and just got buried... We both had a good laugh about it.

kim1975 · Jun 24, 2012 at 06:44 PM

Here's a joke:

A boy went into a strip club. His mother later asked him, "Did you see anything you shouldn't?" The boy then replies, "Yes, I saw Dad."

kim1975 · Jun 24, 2012 at 06:47 PM

Okay, here is a good joke about bullies. Please do not say this to a bully in real life, okay. Here's the joke.

Mother tells her son: "Next time a bully asks you for your lunch money just tell him you left it on his Mother's dresser."

kim1975 · Jun 24, 2012 at 06:51 PM

Here is a good one I heard:

To the woman with 6 screaming kids in the Walmart who is wondering why there are condems in her cart, YOUR WELCOME!!!

IowaFarmGal · Jun 24, 2012 at 10:03 PM

Posted at my favorite restaurant:

Price, Quality, Service, Pick any two.

All our customers make us happy, some when they come and others when they leave.

Unsupervised children will be given sugar and a free puppy.

IowaFarmGal · Jun 24, 2012 at 10:04 PM

What did the gigolo say to his wife? Not tonight dear, I've had a hard day at the orifice.

ShaneSawyer · Jun 25, 2012 at 01:46 AM

Anti-joke that made me laugh even though it's horrible :P

What's worse than a bee sting?......
2 bee stings...
What's worse than 2 bee stings?
The holocaust.
What's worse than the holocaust?
3 bee stings.

unaluna · Jul 06, 2012 at 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

Dumb and Dumber were riding in a car.
Dumb: Look at the bunch of cows.
Dumber: Not "bunch", "herd".
Dumb: Heard of what?
Dumber: Herd of cows.
Dumb: Of course I've heard of cows!
Dumber: No, no - a cow HERD!
Dumb: What do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.

Today, on a very special episode of The Rifleman, written by Cyril Hume, who wrote The Forbidden Planet, Lucas enters in a debate about his cows with a vet from the county, as to whether he does indeed have a bunch or herd of cows. Lucas is insulted when the vet calls them just a bunch. I was waiting for lucas to ask the vet if he'd heard of cows! They came SO CLOSE! you could see it on Chuck Connors face. I might have to ask johnny crawford about it.

Nicks_Nose · Jul 07, 2012 at 08:35 AM

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, D.ick, let's go home."

iamspecial · Jul 13, 2012 at 06:07 PM

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

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OctobersBlackRose Magnate Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Michigan Posts: 2,484 11 4,797 hugs given	Jun 16, 2012 at 05:39 PM #148 __________________ Wir sind was wir sind English We are what we are MDD w/psychotic features, BPD
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,867 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.4k hugs given	Jun 19, 2012 at 09:50 PM #149 Dumb and Dumber were riding in a car. Dumb: Look at the bunch of cows. Dumber: Not "bunch", "herd". Dumb: Heard of what? Dumber: Herd of cows. Dumb: Of course I've heard of cows! Dumber: No, no - a cow HERD! Dumb: What do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.
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iamspecial Elder Member Since Jan 2011 Location: Hell Posts: 5,109 13 1,810 hugs given	Jun 23, 2012 at 06:02 PM #150 __________________ Don't get caught up in what could be, instead appreciate what is. Appreciate what you have & who you have, because the future can take it away from you. iamspecial is thinking....when all else fails....sit back...look at it....then re-think and start again
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No Fuse No Flame Member Member Since Jun 2012 Posts: 210 11 47 hugs given	Jun 23, 2012 at 06:18 PM #151 A good practical joke. I filled a buddies tool bin in his bucket truck(Large trashbag full) with empty water bottles. When he opened the door, the look on his face was priceless. He tried to stop them and just got buried... We both had a good laugh about it.
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kim1975 Member Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 64 11 73 hugs given	Jun 24, 2012 at 06:44 PM #152 Here's a joke: A boy went into a strip club. His mother later asked him, "Did you see anything you shouldn't?" The boy then replies, "Yes, I saw Dad."
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kim1975 Member Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 64 11 73 hugs given	Jun 24, 2012 at 06:47 PM #153 Okay, here is a good joke about bullies. Please do not say this to a bully in real life, okay. Here's the joke. Mother tells her son: "Next time a bully asks you for your lunch money just tell him you left it on his Mother's dresser."
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kim1975 Member Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 64 11 73 hugs given	Jun 24, 2012 at 06:51 PM #154 Here is a good one I heard: To the woman with 6 screaming kids in the Walmart who is wondering why there are condems in her cart, YOUR WELCOME!!!
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IowaFarmGal IFG Member Since May 2012 Location: Iowa Posts: 112,328 (SuperPoster!) 11 18.7k hugs given	Jun 24, 2012 at 10:03 PM #155 Posted at my favorite restaurant: Price, Quality, Service, Pick any two. All our customers make us happy, some when they come and others when they leave. Unsupervised children will be given sugar and a free puppy. __________________
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IowaFarmGal IFG Member Since May 2012 Location: Iowa Posts: 112,328 (SuperPoster!) 11 18.7k hugs given	Jun 24, 2012 at 10:04 PM #156 What did the gigolo say to his wife? Not tonight dear, I've had a hard day at the orifice. __________________
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ShaneSawyer Junior Member Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 10 11	Jun 25, 2012 at 01:46 AM #157 Anti-joke that made me laugh even though it's horrible :P What's worse than a bee sting?...... 2 bee stings... What's worse than 2 bee stings? The holocaust. What's worse than the holocaust? 3 bee stings.
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