Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

I remember the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

No one is listening until you fart.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

People get really weird when they're all alone in pools.

When Franklin D Roosevelt said " The only thing we have to Fear is fear itself", had he seen a clown yet?

Cybersex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded McDonald's.

I have always wanted to be a professional juggler, just never had the balls to do it.

You can't force someone to love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Haven't been on Facebook lately because I've been really absorbed with this Bounty paper towel.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night”.

All of these years,................I've watched Arthur and didn't know what kind of animal he was.

My f*cking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am, do you believe that *****!? 2:30!!
Lucky for him I was still awake playing the drums...

I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I’m the most interesting man in the world.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself.

Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

I’m not in favor of student loans. I think people should get their own student.

Some people say I’m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we’re going to have to let you go."

Last night, I was sitting out in the den with my wife. I, deep in thought while enjoying a fine scotch announce: "I love so much. I cannot imagine living my life without you". My wife looks up over her glass of Sherry and asks "Is that you or the whiskey talking?" So I reply "It's me talking... to the whiskey!"

She can sure throw a slipper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JUST FRED

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a guy on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asksthe biker his name.


'Fred,' he replies.


'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.


The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older,

I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,

so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!

Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling

around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD,
so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson...

so now I am Just Fred.'



The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?

A leap year!

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad A ss -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry."

Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree."

I joined the French legion in the desert, after 2 weeks I asked a guy what do you do for sex , he said there is a camel in hut 28 you can have it at 8pm. I though well better than nothing ?? I turned up at hut 28 smack on 8pm and there was the camel . I wasted no time an proceeded to give it a good shafting, just then the commander came up behind me and said, you dirty bastard why done you ride into town like the rest of the men.

I don't know whether this is appropriate but here's my joke:

Tarzan, Monkey and Tiger wanted to go to the river to clean themselves. So they went to the nearby river. As Tarzan took off the only piece of cloth he had, Monkey and Tiger were shocked! Why?

They said to Tarzan, "why is your tail on the opposite side?"

:X

A guy went into a hardware store said can I have the smallest condoms you sell. He brought out a small box and said these are so small they wilL, fit a mouse. GGGGGGreat the guy said my house is full of them

_____________

A blonde went to the docs , he said your pregnant // she said is it mine

Did u hear about the blonde who opened up a box of Cheerios & said "oh look @ all the cute little donut seeds"

A man was hired to kill another man in a rice paddy using only two porcelain knick-knacks. The police reported it was the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

Why was the bedspread ill?

Because it felt like sheet.

Brunette: Hey!! OMG I lovee Eminem!!

Blonde: I prefer skittles.

Brunette: Tf' you talkin bout ?

Blonde: Eminem are okay , but SKITTLES!

Brunette: I meant the rapper..

Blonde: Ew. Why would you eat the wrapper ?! And you call ME dumb! >.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours belongs in the zoo,
But don't worry, i'll be there too!
But not in a cage, but laughing at you!!