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Default Jul 04, 2019 at 08:03 PM
  #261
Well the good news is it's almost over and then tomorrow it will be back to a regular day.
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Default Jul 04, 2019 at 08:31 PM
  #262
The Blue Nebula Cantina
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 07:35 AM
  #263
I guess we'll dust this place off and see which of the regulars returns...

Hey, Fern46, continuing that convo...(I don't know how to tag you...? lol)

"I went looking for God down a road similar to yours and then had to simply laugh when I came to see the truth that the proof is everywhere. It is in the most complex and the simplest of forms. My tendency to dive deep served my need to see the big picture. Then I looked between the two poles and found the answer was the same."

Yes, exactly, the fractal nature of the universe. The from many, one, and from one, many idea. Fractals are self-same regardless of the level of magnification. I want nothing less than mathematical proof that I can point to and say, "Here! Here is the absolute proof of God's existence, and thereby extension, that there is indeed something that happens after death!"

Proof that "heaven" isn't just the delusion of a dying brain spinning out one last fantasy. Proof that anything happens other than just a cessation of not only being, but of time as well. (I don't want much, do I...?)

"My husband doesn't need the minutiae because he can simply know and trust. I lack that. I had to prove it and see it and know it from experience. Both paths are worthy. Mine was more laborious and perhaps ended up with a depth of understanding that his does not have, but he continuously held a faith I could not hold myself for a long time. What is better? Neither. Both. "

And yet, you both wound up at the same destination. I take your path every time because I am the ultimate doubting Thomas; it's as involuntary for me as breathing, and I wish it was not. It is a low-power constant fight-or-flight mode in the background of everything, and DNA is the latest fold (because of genetic memory and the collective human subconsciousness, et cetera) in my quest for proof that there is a soul and that it is immortal and not delusory.

"Learning not to scratch that itch is a journey in wisdom. Learning to live and appreciate the moment fully without needing to break it down is difficult, but the fruits are worthy of the effort. I'm still working on this. My brain always pulls me to 'know' more, but then I am reminded of the fool card of the Tarot. There is no more to see. If God is fractal, the now is complete with all I need to know. "

Omg, yes. I've scratched it so long that it is bloody. I don't know how, anymore, and there is no one left around me to teach me by example irl. I've gone so long without healthy social interaction that I've completely retrogressed and in some ways, do not function well as an adult because I never had those experiences to learn from. And now, I find that I recoil from the idea of even wanting to try them because I already know how it ends based on a pattern so repetitive I could set my watch to it.

Scientists already believe that we live in a holographic reality based on research done by Karl Lashley in the 1920s on rat brains, and that of Karl Pribram and David Bohm (of the DeBroglie-Bohm Cosmology Model). We are living within a simulation. God is therefore attempting to find something. I want to survive the simulation for whatever comes after. lol That is the core of it, really, I think for all of us.

Sorry, hoping you'll see this in here...lol If not, someone else please tag Fern?
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 11:05 AM
  #264
When I’m manic I go looking for goddess and find her in the trees

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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 11:46 AM
  #265
The things where I used to find a connection on a spiritual level no longer satisfy, and nothing new found so far does it.
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 12:34 PM
  #266
Oh I am sorry about that. That’s a real loss. Lately I’ve been missing the north woods. How it smells in the fall, the trees as they drop their leaves and bare all to winters cold. I miss the birch trees the most. Walking though the forests. A canoe ride on the smooth glassy water. The loons calling as they head south. That’s where I had the most connections to the spiritual. I haven’t been north for years.

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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 10:17 AM
  #267
[QUOTE=Michael2Wolves;6936220] "Learning not to scratch that itch is a journey in wisdom. Learning to live and appreciate the moment fully without needing to break it down is difficult, but the fruits are worthy of the effort. I'm still working on this. My brain always pulls me to 'know' more, but then I am reminded of the fool card of the Tarot. There is no more to see. If God is fractal, the now is complete with all I need to know. "

@Michael2Wolves,
I am new here to this forum, and I read your Ghost in the Machine. I also stumbled here to this corner/lounge of the forum. I would like to order an extra large drink of 42, with ample amounts of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

I sort of feel like the young kid (despite being 48) that wants to hang out with the cool big kids. While my life has not led me to be able to be as well read and educated in the topics you discuss, they resonate loudly with my soul. I also do not have ample amounts of time online to dive as deep into some of the discussions as I would like, but I will participate as I can. I ponder, sometimes obsessively, larger questions that arise from an aching in my soul. While my knowledge of physics and theology are not as in-depth as I would like, I thoroughly enjoyed the book When Science Meets Religion: Enemies, Strangers, or Partners? by Ian G. Barbour. Perhaps you would find it an enjoyable, fulfilling, or at least intriguing and thought provoking read. Much of it was entirely over my head, but I grasped what I could. Where science and math, and our understanding of the universe, lead us to a point of what appears to be random chance, or at least our capability of understanding it to the point that our minds can grasp, there is room for accepting "something" greater in purpose and/or planning in the universe that is beyond our ability to discover. Perhaps it is nothing more than learning modesty. Our ability, or inability, to comprehend and explain the larger universe, it's complexities, and the "purpose" can trigger the scientific mind to go down the rabbit hole.

I believe that we can nurture this inner inquisitive, despite obsessive, part of ourselves, but still try to remain somewhat engaged in the world around us despite that we can feel so entirely separated from it at times. I hope you do not totally give up on that potential.

Please pardon any typos or lack in depth of thought or expression I may have. You are obliviously someone who pays attention to details and is articulate and eloquent in your expressions.

Wishing you well. Don't panic, and don't forget your towel!!!!

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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 11:14 AM
  #268
@Nammu,
I live in what some consider the north woods, though not as far north as I would like. While my body is somewhat trapped by the constraints of time and emotional energy to physically immerse myself in nature to replenish my soul, I frequently go there in my mind attempting reconnection and escape. If your life doesn't lead you to the ability to be in those locations physically, try permitting yourself the mental ability to hear the loons, feel the breeze, and transfer yourself to the solitude and tranquility that brings.
Don't panic, and don't forget your towel!!!

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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 11:17 AM
  #269
Thanks struggling mama.

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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 09:44 PM
  #270
Oh, goodness, how to begin...

What people, I think, fail to truly understand is that I am truly on the fringe. I have no friends in real life. Nothing. No one. Three family members that I talk to, one of whom is my mother. That's it. I have so little to say any more that I sit there at a table of people I have nothing in common with and feel nothing. The more I look at them, the more visceral the feeling becomes. I have nothing in common with my so-called friends. We don't share the same hobbies, and our conversations are as different as night and day. Wanna know what we have in common? Pot. That's it. lmao Smh...

Otherwise, I just don't ever go anywhere. For what purpose? I'm trapped, and I have no money, no career, no identity. For all any of you all know, you could be talking with someone who is a complete fiction. All you have before you is digital consistency, and only what I post will live on beyond me, immortal via the internet. More and more, I feel less and less connection, or even desire to connect, and therein lies the danger, because once the desire to connect goes, it's too late. I only wonder how close I am to the truth of what reality really is; my deepest regret is knowing I will never know.

As for the ghost in the machine post...is this not me? My thoughts and neurosis seem so far outside of the median that I see things differently, and as a result, don't really relate to anyone anymore. Who sits down and puzzles out the nature of reality to such a degree that they begin to see and judge everything based on probabilities? I may not juggle numbers a la Rainman, but I still sense it. I only have to be right once--the problem is, I've been right many times. Not only am I beginning to legit wonder if I'm just trapped in some kind of Groundhog's Day lifetime, but that it is tailored specifically to maximize discomfort. To know ahead of time that I will lose everything in the end, that we all do as we fall away from clinging to the ceiling one by one into whatever lays below, is really rather horrifying to me on a visceral level I cannot describe, and to hear others blithely talk about death as though it's nothing makes me look at them as though they're nuts. How do you simply ignore that? That's like walking on a train trestle, hearing the train behind you, and then putting on your headphones so you can ignore it better.

But when I point this out, I get strange looks. Even in a crowd, I am alone because I think of weird shtako like this all the time, I just don't bother to verbalize it. Weird insights and contrasts. All valid. Just...off the wall. It happens faster and faster. thirty seconds and I have an entire scenario worked out because of how quickly my obsessive nature works.

I will check out the book you mentioned. I usually peruse wikipedia. The Sapir-Whorf entry is a great start with a lot of hyperlinks...lol
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Default Sep 29, 2020 at 10:13 AM
  #271
Dear @Michael2Wolves,

I appreciate your response. I truly understand that you feel totally alone and disconnected from your physical world. Don't panic, and don't forget your towel, right? Try not to have obsessive thoughts about your obsessive thoughts, that rollercoaster is a ride with no straps. That is a rabbit hole we should all try to avoid.

You have three family members whom you still have contact with. Perhaps those connections do not feel deep, but the fact that you can sit with your mother, in the presence of motherly love is a bonus many do not have. Let yourself feel that love if it is there. I left my family when I was 18 with a duffle bag. I had to escape the psychotic dysfunction. One of my chronic voids is the fact that I never had any genuine love, or protection, given to me by my parents. I am in a relationship with a broken toxic person, and it is emotionally killing me, but I too have no money, or at least not enough, to provide me my own life. I also have NO family I can rely on for support emotionally or otherwise. I have two children. My daughter was manipulated by my narcissistic ex to go to court against me and I lost custody of my son for two years. She is 13 years older than my son, and has a different father. She is back in my life now. I had my son back for 5 years, but my son, now 15, left to live with his father 10 month ago because he can do what he wants without boundaries or consequence. So, from a distance, I am watching him flunk out of school, powerless to do anything. I have no family and no friends, except one whom I talk to on the phone on occasion, and we essentially tell each other to KEEP F#*%*NG GOING...that is it.

I am in no way trying to play one of those games where someone tells you, "oh yeah, you think you have it bad...". I am only trying to show you that many of us are experiencing the void. On that note: Have you ever tried going long periods without smoking pot? I say this because I too have smoked pot over the years as an attempt to socially fit in, but it never really helped me and actually sent me into a state of loneliness and despair. My ex liked to smoke with me because he thought it helped us "relax and connect". I would take a few hits, and then, I would look up from the table at him and my mind and heart would scream at me, "What the F#%& are you doing with this selfish, self-centered, emotionally inept zombie...run....run...run". So, because I was unable to run, I would smoke more, and more, and more, in hopes that I could shut down the glaringly obvious fact that I was alone and stuck. Smoking would heighten my propensity to overanalyze everything, it would heighten my emptiness and lack of connection, it would bring my deepest thoughts of life, the universe, and everything into full blossom. It would send my soul on the cosmic journey of over analyzing my current state of affairs, the paths that got me there, the injustices and cruelty of the world, the lack of depth and meaning that my life, all life, seemed to have. While those thoughts and feelings were, and still are, VERY real, smoking heightened them, yet crippled my emotional and intellectual ability to keep them rationalized and in check. I would highly recommend you try not to smoke pot, despite that it is one of things that helps you feel a sense of connection, at least on a superficial level. I like to think of myself more as a warrior these days. Facing the world stone cold sober, despite all the pain of the harsh realities and emptiness that it provides. I face the world sober and unclouded, clear headed and ready to receive the answers and connections when they present themselves. Please give sobriety a try, it is essential. I could post links to the scientific studies that show that marijuana has negative effects on those with a propensity of obsessiveness and on and on, but I am advising it only because, from experience, I know it does not help us no matter how much we wish it would. “The more I look at them, the more visceral the feeling becomes.” Trust me when I say, pot accentuates this, even when you are “sober” at the time. It has a cumulative affect that takes time to subside. Being someone who still questions “God”, I will pray for you that you can do this as I trust that is would be a good step for you.

On the thought of how an online existence is such a state of “non-reality”, that it only feeds your sense of lack of connection. I get it, but, while it feels completely unreal, we are living, breathing humans, with blood pumping through our veins. You have expressed thoughts and feelings that inspire others to reach out and “connect”. Like myself, Fern46, Nammu, and others. We are real people. Your words resonated with us in some way, and, with our hearts, minds, and hands, we have reached out to you. Is that not real? Yes, like I said in a previous post in a world with 7.8 billion people, it is a shame so many are looking into online existences in attempts to find connection, but in that, you are not alone. We are all here. We filter through the masses in hopes to find those few meaningful connections. Perhaps we find them, perhaps we don’t. Perhaps they are only momentary, like a fleeting season, flower, or memory, but they are real. Everyone who has responded to you has done so because it was worth their time to reach out to your virtual hand of loneliness. As words intertwine online, connections can be forged despite the fact that it is in a place of waves of space and 0’s and 1’s. I for one find comfort in a feeling of connection, even if it is just one post, on one day. If another’s words resonate with me, it lets me feel hope that I am not alone. Perhaps it may seem futile and worthless to you, but I have to hang onto the shreds that keep the fabric of hope alive.
I do hope you read the book I recommended. If you like math, then perhaps you will be able to comprehend all the mathematical equations the author inserts into the book.

On the note of probabilities…. Well, when I was in graduate school (I didn’t finish), I did a seminar based on an article called, “The Insignificance of Statistical Significance Testing”. An interesting article if you ever have the chance to read it. Essentially, you can say whatever you like using probability testing if you design your study right. It is in the standard deviation of error that the truth lies. If you expand, or contract the scope of the numbers in any test, you can find the probabilities you would like to make any statement, but if you watch the standard error, you can see that it may be all B#!! S&#t. Do not let your mind rage in the machine of mathematical probabilities when our human minds can only grasp the mathematical dimensions within our human like capabilities and within our own minuscule fragment of our portion of the universe. The book I recommended opens the doorway to accepting our human limitations and capabilities to answering the questions of life, the universe, and everything.

What I hope you get from my post here: You are not alone despite that you feel totally alone. You are capable of feeding one part of you, while not letting it completely engulf you thus limiting your ability to find connections in the “real” world. You should definitely give sobriety a try. Go outside, walk, look around you. Comfort the part of yourself that feels so huge yet destructive, let it have a place, but also try to compartmentalize it so it doesn’t consume you. Take advantage of any of the connections you have available to you, even if they seem trite at the time; those people, especially your family, are there, which is better than not. Your words resonated with me and I reached out. There is much depth and feeling to your writing, but I can also feel your spiraling through time. Let those who reach out to you, whether it be once, or multiple times, join virtual hands with you, share in a moment, slow the spiraling, and help you walk in a straight line, even if it is just for a moment. Sometimes a moment is all we have.

Be well, don’t panic, and don’t forget your towel.

Please pardon my typos or ramblings, it is a fleeting draft of random thoughts like a fleeting moment in time….

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Default Sep 29, 2020 at 08:54 PM
  #272
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves View Post
I guess we'll dust this place off and see which of the regulars returns...

Hey, Fern46, continuing that convo...(I don't know how to tag you...? lol)

"I went looking for God down a road similar to yours and then had to simply laugh when I came to see the truth that the proof is everywhere. It is in the most complex and the simplest of forms. My tendency to dive deep served my need to see the big picture. Then I looked between the two poles and found the answer was the same."

Yes, exactly, the fractal nature of the universe. The from many, one, and from one, many idea. Fractals are self-same regardless of the level of magnification. I want nothing less than mathematical proof that I can point to and say, "Here! Here is the absolute proof of God's existence, and thereby extension, that there is indeed something that happens after death!"

Proof that "heaven" isn't just the delusion of a dying brain spinning out one last fantasy. Proof that anything happens other than just a cessation of not only being, but of time as well. (I don't want much, do I...?)

"My husband doesn't need the minutiae because he can simply know and trust. I lack that. I had to prove it and see it and know it from experience. Both paths are worthy. Mine was more laborious and perhaps ended up with a depth of understanding that his does not have, but he continuously held a faith I could not hold myself for a long time. What is better? Neither. Both. "

And yet, you both wound up at the same destination. I take your path every time because I am the ultimate doubting Thomas; it's as involuntary for me as breathing, and I wish it was not. It is a low-power constant fight-or-flight mode in the background of everything, and DNA is the latest fold (because of genetic memory and the collective human subconsciousness, et cetera) in my quest for proof that there is a soul and that it is immortal and not delusory.

"Learning not to scratch that itch is a journey in wisdom. Learning to live and appreciate the moment fully without needing to break it down is difficult, but the fruits are worthy of the effort. I'm still working on this. My brain always pulls me to 'know' more, but then I am reminded of the fool card of the Tarot. There is no more to see. If God is fractal, the now is complete with all I need to know. "

Omg, yes. I've scratched it so long that it is bloody. I don't know how, anymore, and there is no one left around me to teach me by example irl. I've gone so long without healthy social interaction that I've completely retrogressed and in some ways, do not function well as an adult because I never had those experiences to learn from. And now, I find that I recoil from the idea of even wanting to try them because I already know how it ends based on a pattern so repetitive I could set my watch to it.

Scientists already believe that we live in a holographic reality based on research done by Karl Lashley in the 1920s on rat brains, and that of Karl Pribram and David Bohm (of the DeBroglie-Bohm Cosmology Model). We are living within a simulation. God is therefore attempting to find something. I want to survive the simulation for whatever comes after. lol That is the core of it, really, I think for all of us.

Sorry, hoping you'll see this in here...lol If not, someone else please tag Fern?
So sorry for the delay. I took a needed break, but then I remembered to stop by. I'm glad I did. If you ever want to tag me, just put an @ sign in front of my screen name.

I think we have all the proof we need. It is subtle and in our face. It haunts us and laughs at us openly. Why run further? I'm learning to stare back at it. I can only do it in increments. It is very powerful, but the energy is the same every time.

The ultimate doubting Thomas, yes! I'm the female equivalent of that. The collective human subconscious... Well I've felt that force take over my faculties on more than one occasion. It is unnerving. The archetypes dominiate when they want to. I'll have to tell you what my special blend of psychosis is like sometime.

There are people out there to connect with. Just hold faith and let go of your ideas of what it needs to look like. Even an infant can connect in a meaningful way... Fractal and all. Hope is not lost, ok?

@Michael2Wolves thanks for another post. I'll stop by when I can ok? Be well.
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 09:31 AM
  #273
Okay, SM first...

My mother is the only one in geographic proximity to me. The other cousins I have blocked on Facebook and for good cause. I have no extended family anymore as far as I am concerned--I haven't spoken to them in years, so there is no love lost there. They are dead to me. My uncle lives 1000 miles away, and my other cousin 1500. There is literally nobody else. And none of those three are in any position to help me. No job, no education, no degree, no resume, no history, no assets. The ephemeral and impermanent nature of online friendships is at once both its strength and its Achilles heel, and that is why I say that it's rapidly becoming insufficient to give me reason to reach out. It's simply not enough, and my family are not people I want to reach out to. There simply is no one else who are not felons, and I'm not interested. Tired of dealing with prison-house bullshtako because that's all they want to talk about. You are stronger than I because if our roles were reversed, I simply would have dropped everything and walked away and not said another word to anyone I was not legally compelled to do so. That I even have such an ability to simply shut off is bad enough; that I no longer have the tolerance and patience for dealing with the frivolities of life that my so-called friends bring into it makes it worse.

I realize how detached and callous this sounds. The only reason I have not become more self-destructive, at the same time, is because of those same ephemeral online connections. But, like sand through the hourglass, I can feel that connection fading as well, it's just a matter of time before that no longer is enough. And then, I don't know what happens.

What you describe is about right on--altering my state of consciousness allows me to study my life in a coldly clinical fashion. The problem is, while pot may accentuate this, I learned to do this trick long before pot ever came along, so I do it as naturally as breathing. High or not, I am always aware, or self-aware. Pot merely removes the emotional component of it to a large degree so that I can think unfettered. lmao Yeah, yeah, yeah, "that's just the delusional thinking of the pot," except it isn't because I've made leaps of logic I shouldn't have been able to with the information I have in my conscious mind. I seek answers by any means necessary; that one's self is consumed in the process is of zero consequence to me most days.

I went twenty years without smoking. Made lots of friends. None of whom I would have anything to do with now that I am out of prison. Four or so years of freedom and sobriety was enough to show me that it ain't going to ever get better, so why not? My fatalism has become terminal. That is why I say, I will have the answers to my questions, one way or another simply because I refuse to accept a life in which there are unknowns. Essentially, since I cannot have it in a way that is acceptable to me, then I reject the entirety of it, and will live accordingly because why should I care? In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. That's why I say, no thanks, not interested. I have not found anything in my forty years of existence that has yet convinced me to change this mind set. If information exists within the set, that information can be known. You can't have a defined mathematical set without all variable defined.

I will check out that book you recommended. The problem, however, is that the part of me that simply does not care anymore is stronger than the part that does, and these protestations are nothing but the dying gasps of wounded prey in the jaws of the wolf. That is simply how I feel about it, and all the wishing in the world is not going to miraculously start generating probabilities where none exist because there is no cascade chain. It has to be grown from what pre-exists, from probabilities that were already present, and what pre-exists is dying and toxic, I think. One only has to look at this place to see that. This is not what I envisioned for the Blue Nebula Cantina, but like everything that the wolf touches, it becomes twisted and drawn to itself. This is not supposed to be a place for me to come and dump my mess, and yet, despite me not wanting it to be, I have done so through subtle and slow posting to my public chagrin.

lmao This is why I have no problem hating it, hating him, because it's such a selfish, self-conceited arrogant *** that I just want to carve it right out of my skull. I even debated buying Nd magnets and attempting to build something to play with the EM fields in my head. You have no idea how deep that loathing runs, or how deep the desire to use any means necessary to strike back.

And @fern46, the problem, I think, is that I can no longer look away from that "proof," that Pattern, that...Untempered Schism, if you will. There is definitely an energy there, Carl Jung was very close to the truth, I think.

Apologies to all because this is not what I had intended for this thread.
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 09:55 AM
  #274
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Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves View Post
Okay, SM first...

My mother is the only one in geographic proximity to me. The other cousins I have blocked on Facebook and for good cause. I have no extended family anymore as far as I am concerned--I haven't spoken to them in years, so there is no love lost there. They are dead to me. My uncle lives 1000 miles away, and my other cousin 1500. There is literally nobody else. And none of those three are in any position to help me. No job, no education, no degree, no resume, no history, no assets. The ephemeral and impermanent nature of online friendships is at once both its strength and its Achilles heel, and that is why I say that it's rapidly becoming insufficient to give me reason to reach out. It's simply not enough, and my family are not people I want to reach out to. There simply is no one else who are not felons, and I'm not interested. Tired of dealing with prison-house bullshtako because that's all they want to talk about. You are stronger than I because if our roles were reversed, I simply would have dropped everything and walked away and not said another word to anyone I was not legally compelled to do so. That I even have such an ability to simply shut off is bad enough; that I no longer have the tolerance and patience for dealing with the frivolities of life that my so-called friends bring into it makes it worse.

I realize how detached and callous this sounds. The only reason I have not become more self-destructive, at the same time, is because of those same ephemeral online connections. But, like sand through the hourglass, I can feel that connection fading as well, it's just a matter of time before that no longer is enough. And then, I don't know what happens.

What you describe is about right on--altering my state of consciousness allows me to study my life in a coldly clinical fashion. The problem is, while pot may accentuate this, I learned to do this trick long before pot ever came along, so I do it as naturally as breathing. High or not, I am always aware, or self-aware. Pot merely removes the emotional component of it to a large degree so that I can think unfettered. lmao Yeah, yeah, yeah, "that's just the delusional thinking of the pot," except it isn't because I've made leaps of logic I shouldn't have been able to with the information I have in my conscious mind. I seek answers by any means necessary; that one's self is consumed in the process is of zero consequence to me most days.

I went twenty years without smoking. Made lots of friends. None of whom I would have anything to do with now that I am out of prison. Four or so years of freedom and sobriety was enough to show me that it ain't going to ever get better, so why not? My fatalism has become terminal. That is why I say, I will have the answers to my questions, one way or another simply because I refuse to accept a life in which there are unknowns. Essentially, since I cannot have it in a way that is acceptable to me, then I reject the entirety of it, and will live accordingly because why should I care? In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. That's why I say, no thanks, not interested. I have not found anything in my forty years of existence that has yet convinced me to change this mind set. If information exists within the set, that information can be known. You can't have a defined mathematical set without all variable defined.

I will check out that book you recommended. The problem, however, is that the part of me that simply does not care anymore is stronger than the part that does, and these protestations are nothing but the dying gasps of wounded prey in the jaws of the wolf. That is simply how I feel about it, and all the wishing in the world is not going to miraculously start generating probabilities where none exist because there is no cascade chain. It has to be grown from what pre-exists, from probabilities that were already present, and what pre-exists is dying and toxic, I think. One only has to look at this place to see that. This is not what I envisioned for the Blue Nebula Cantina, but like everything that the wolf touches, it becomes twisted and drawn to itself. This is not supposed to be a place for me to come and dump my mess, and yet, despite me not wanting it to be, I have done so through subtle and slow posting to my public chagrin.

lmao This is why I have no problem hating it, hating him, because it's such a selfish, self-conceited arrogant *** that I just want to carve it right out of my skull. I even debated buying Nd magnets and attempting to build something to play with the EM fields in my head. You have no idea how deep that loathing runs, or how deep the desire to use any means necessary to strike back.

And @fern46, the problem, I think, is that I can no longer look away from that "proof," that Pattern, that...Untempered Schism, if you will. There is definitely an energy there, Carl Jung was very close to the truth, I think.

Apologies to all because this is not what I had intended for this thread.
I try to follow a value stream. Sometimes it is valuable to me to see the source and work with it. Sometimes it is better to integrate myself into the experience in a more detached way. It depends on the variables. Experiencing both is healthy for the mind and the psyche.

Jung nailed it imo for a number of interesting subjects. I've only read portions of his work and I have to be careful because it can be a trigger for me. He missed the mark here and there and there is plenty of room to expand upon the framework he laid.

Let's get your thread back on track. What kind of vibe are we going for here?
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 12:13 PM
  #275
This was supposed to be a hangout for people to have a forum version of the chat; however, because I tend to be thorough, I find that I want to lay everything out in excruciating detail which can be a bit much, so again, I apologize to the others.

Makes me wonder what role I play in the collective subconscious since I have a gift for envisioning the impossible.

One thing I have missed is having my friend Dave. I did a lot of time with him and we were so in sync that we would finish each other's thoughts half the time. It was more than that, though. We shared common interests, and I was never bored around him or felt apart. Yet, looking back at it now, it was a poisonous situation because I chose to engage with him in certain things that I now see are toxic--conversations and thinking patterns. I've never had that same rapport with anyone else since. Maybe that's a trauma reaction, I dunno. I know that I do not want the same things as he does, and so I haven't talked to him in five years, nor will I. The problem, I think, which comes to me as I write this is that I have no one around me with the same interests as I who has a personality that I do not find annoying or doesn't find me annoying. lol

@StrugglingMama is correct in that pot is not healthy, because I have no money for it, and I am at the point where escape is more valued than endurance because endurance requires stamina that I no longer feel I have.
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 03:23 PM
  #276
Don't feel bad, I am anything but succinct. I'm working on it.

I feel you in regards to missing your friend. It is nice to share the same wavelength even if we know it can cause harm. You're wise for keeping your distance, but I can see why you would miss what you had with him.

A gift for envisioning the impossible... Well on the one hand that could infect the collective with a host of possibilities that would just confuse us. On the other hand, it's the stuff of superheroes. We need to get out of the box we believe ourselves to be trapped in.
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 06:55 PM
  #277
Yeah...I keep my distance, all right...I've learned to keep my distance so well that I have become an island. I've never found that same rapport with anyone else. I've never had that level of friendship with anyone else. And from everything I can observe, such friendships are fairly common; that easy friendliness that comes to others eludes me. Instead, I find myself looking at others as though they are completely alien to me. I don't understand how everyone else finds it so easy to find common interests and topics to discuss. I often merely lapse into silence as nothing discussed interests me. I feel absolutely nothing towards these so-called friends irl, and as a result, I have simply stopped communicating with them and good riddance. If I am of so little interest that they never even call, then that says everything I need to know right there.

That I see such common friendliness and shared interests in others, and yet lacking in myself, only further compounds the issue, and enrages the wolf because that logically suggests that the lack is entirely within myself, and yet, I am at a loss to say what that lack is beyond a lack of desire to deal with others whose interests and mine really don't align. I've tried Saabs. I've tried cars. Engines. Mechanics. I've tried gaming. I've tried poetry. Music. Education. Food. Wrote a book that never sold. You name it, I've tried it. Everything I try is either too little or too late, or it just doesn't hold my interest because as soon as I get interested in something, everyone else's wanes.. So very little interests me anymore that it should be no surprise that I find others completely uninteresting, and I blame only myself for having lived on the fringe of existence for so long that I cannot return to the center.

When I need someone, I can be sure there will be no one there; that is the lesson the Pattern has driven into me. Some lines, once crossed, cannot be so easily recrossed, if at all. I will always blame myself because it's my reality, my life. Who else am I supposed to blame? I am the cause of, but not solution to, all of my problems in one form or another, whether directly or indirectly is academic. So I guess it should be no surprise, then, how quickly that rage against self can flare up.

I can no longer afford to get high, and sobriety just makes things worse; now, I have nothing to distract me from living a dead-end life that cannot end well by virtue of all that came before. There are consequences to our actions; I only wish the consequences had been severe enough to merit capital punishment. What would I have missed, really? Ten or fifteen years of cultural wasteland and failed efforts? And before you tell me that things will change, let me ask you this. The last time you picked up a ballpoint pen, and started writing, did it change color mid sentence? No? Then why should I expect anything to be different in my life? There are no outside factors remaining that can influence what is a train-wreck life that hasn't yet finished wrecking. I mean, Jesus, I am so wrecked as it stands that I bleed it out everywhere in an endless self-flagellant fury. Just look at this thread...smh...makes me want to smash myself and yell WTF is wrong with you?! I don't know how to deal with it anymore, and I'm tired of trying. I long ago realized that I cannot be left alone to the tender mercies of my psyche. You may call it co-dependency, but what difference does it make? I find my greatest enjoyment in the dedication of myself to someone else; that I have found none worthy is not enough for me give up the negative aspects of such pathology simply because what else is there? Solitude? That is worse by far because I am already degenerating from isolation and somehow, more isolation is supposed to help me? That it is highly likely at this point that I will never be able to satisfy that co-dependent itch only makes my rancor and hatred grow, and increases the likelihood of self-harm or self-destruction because again, who else am I going to blame? Is it your fault I am this way? Of course not. I would be even more hurt to think that someone else would think that my self-harming was because of them, and even more so (and more likely to result in self-harm) if it was because I really did hurt someone else through word or deed. If someone is inadvertently hurt by me, I take that very personally and carry it with me for years. I have no problem dredging it up to use as a cudgel, mentally and physically when necessary. I remember every single misdeed I've ever done. I can recount them one by one. I have no problem blaming myself when others hurt me; do I not deserve it for something I've done? Surely, I tell myself, this is just Karma for x or y misdeed. I usually shrug and acknowledge that I most likely deserved it, and then try to move on.

The danger (and reason I really do require someone to be there, and exactly why the Pattern will never provide it) is simply because the angrier I get, the more likely that impulsivity is liable to come out in the form of smashing myself in the face. So now you see, perhaps? It is a cycle of my own making, crafted so cunningly and intricately like a Chinese finger trap that it cannot be escaped from the inside. And so...I sit and wait for a day that never comes with hope laying dead in my hands, staining my fingers like a memory I can't be rid of.
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Default Oct 01, 2020 at 07:05 AM
  #278
You are very well written. I can say that with certainty. What a beautiful gift.

I had to sleep on how to respond, but this came to me and it is my intuituve response. I do not seek to win a battle of analytical intelligence. This is a heart based reply and I'm just going to let it flow as it will, ok?

These are very deep waters to navigate and I must be honest and say I have never felt as you have. I would be lying to say I could read this without feeling pain. It does hurt, but it does not extinguish my ability to see alternate outcomes for you. My hope is still alive. What do you make of that?

There is one aspect of creation I have witnessed time and time again. It is true on a macro and micro level. It is true within nature. It is true within my own body. That truth is that everything consists of teams.

There is no alone. There is only all one. No matter how you break things down, what one does affects the all and what the all does affects the one. The universe is a team. The solar system is a team. The life within your own backyard works as a team. Your family, no matter how dysfunctional and separated is a team. You yourself are a team. Everything you're entangled with is a team.

Your body breaks down into various systems that all work together. Your organs combine. It is apparent on a physical level. However, it is true on a metaphysical level as well. Your conscious and subconscious mind is a team. If you are a Jung fan you know you carry various personas that combine to make the Self even if one is dominant at the moment or if you have dissociated from your other selves. You also know consciousness is a collective.

Therefore, I see a few options. You're in a prison of your own mind. You can see how you've made it and you beleive you can see no viable routes to unmake it. You can carry that belief through to it's fruition. It is a sad and lonely path, but the only one if the choice is already made. Your mind is strong and a force that will hold onto that anchor inevitably if that is your will. That's option 1.

Now you know I cannot give you the answers to the other options, only a light in the dark perhaps. As you pointed out, your fingers are the ones in the trap. I cannot free you from the outside. Maybe this will be a bunch of crap and yield nothing of value, but perhaps I have earned a moment of your consideration after our brief exchanges? I'm just tossing out food for thought. Take only what resonates.

Option 2 plays upon your own gift you mentioned. You say you have the gift to envision the impossible. Is that not the exact skill set one would need to draw upon to change such a future set in stone? Drop your beliefs for a while and see what you can see. The impossible solution exists. I know you can find it.

Option 3 is to remember the collective. There are literally infinite ways to go about this because again, it's all team based. The creator knows teamwork makes the dream work. So how does one do this? I can only offer things that have served me.

First, I lean on my personas a lot. Child me, mother me, strategist me, sister me, philosophical me, eternally hopeful me. We're all available at any time. I just have to call up the right teammates and blend them to generate a perspective that helps me see the past, let go of it and move forward. Those personas fight a lot, so good facilitation skills as a beneficial tool.

The other option for leveraging the collective that comes to mind is to submit to being where you are and to ask genuinely for help. Ask for mercy. Draw upon the unconditional love that exists within the all. You could do this in a literal and physical sense and drop your expectations for others and just allow them to be with you without them meeting your intellectual needs. Let them fill up your heart and not your mind until a worthy companion surfaces again. Or... You could go metaphysically and ask for support from the subconscious collective. You feel you can see the impossible, but that would only be true if it also existed elsewhere in the creation. Ask for guidance. Open your heart and listen. Drop any notion of form or timetables and see where it leads. Make the intent clear. Analyze your dreams. Look for synchronicities. If life for you works like it does for me the answer will be simple, it will humble you and you will know what it is to be the hanged man and the fool after lightning strikes the tower.

So that's what my heart wanted to say. Again, it may be nothing, but in a quantum world of infinitude I can never believe in only one outcome. It defies all I believe in. In my mind there's always all ways.
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Default Oct 01, 2020 at 07:25 AM
  #279
And that is not the short and chatty response vibe I was trying to uphold, but I felt you deserved more in this case.
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Default Oct 01, 2020 at 01:55 PM
  #280
I hesitate to even respond right now because of my frame of mind, but I want you to know I've read it. I've been having a terrible day so far, and it's just a continuation from the previous. So I'll try to keep the rancor out of my tone, but know that it is NOT directed at you or anyone here, only and always inward.

You keep mentioning "teams." In fact, you said, "That truth is that everything consists of teams."

I believe you are misinterpreting the binary nature of the universe and reality itself. Just because there are two poles in everything does not mean that the Pattern will provide an anode to someone who is naturally a cathode.

In fact, I have found that the Pattern, that web of probability that binds everything and everyone, will deliberately alter the circumstances so that the odds necessarily increase as a result. The Pattern is alive and conscious, and is malevolently focused on me. Why? Of course, I hear your objections before you even say them. They are objections I made a long time ago before I accepted the simple reality that in this aeon, in this universe, I am not fated to get ahead. Yet, though you may say such is delusional thinking, what other conclusion am I supposed to draw from the totality of events in my life?

Teams...I will never be a team. The Pattern does not want me to be one. Otherwise, opportunities would have long ago presented themselves that present themselves to everyone else. THAT is how I know the circumstances are being manipulated behind the scenes. You know what kind of random shtako pops up in my life? Crazy people I want nothing to do with. Mayhem. If something is going to go wrong, and you want it to, invite me to show up. My presence alone is enough to warp the Pattern's probabilities, even of others. Weird shtako happens around me. Things break that shouldn't, and computers are especially sensitive to the Pattern. Programs and software begin acting buggy in ways that should be impossible by virtue of the way they are programmed. I constantly find bugs in programs because my Pattern brings them out in the way that a magnet will draw metal filings out of mud. You have to witness it to believe it because you never would otherwise. It is a constant issue since I work around computers all the time.

You scoff. "Psh, he's gone off his rocker." And yet, people that try to interfere in the Pattern's act of my destruction get blowback from unforeseen angles because that is how the Pattern works. And the evidence of experience says that this is not mere delusion. Something else is at play. Always subtle, never obvious or blatant, but just enough for someone who is keeping score to notice. And I notice EVERYTHING.

The problem is, remembering the collective does nothing for me in the moment. And you know not what you are asking of me by asking me to "team with myself" in the way you mentioned that you team with your various personae. I REFUSE to team up with those other personae because those other personae ARE THE CAUSE OF MY PSYCHE'S TOXICITY. And the wolf is becoming more and more "distinct" as the years go by, so I fully expect a psychotic break in the next year or two, if it hasn't already begun happening.

You are asking me to team with evil. There is nothing left inside. I've worn the mask so long that the inner truth has died and rotted away. The only thing that remains in its place is the wolf. How's that for a cinematic metaphor? Just like the Gmork, the Nothing. That is what is inside. The Nothing.

And I can envision the impossible all day long; that gets me nowhere and leaves me feeling worse because I can so vividly visualize the way things are supposed to be, the way things should have been based not on whim and desire, but logical progression of A-to-B-to-C. If THIS had happened, there are only a few possibilities of what would have happened next, and so on. I can run through them all in the blink of an eye. That is how I am able to "feel" the Pattern's contours and get a sense for what the future holds. I can "see" the shape of the probabilities in the theater of my mind's eye.

But I nonetheless appreciate your response, which is clearly thoughtful and thought-out. I must apologize because I want to not find the ways things will not work in any situation, except that I have become adept beyond all reason at finding them. So, I guess that's a superpower. lmao Kind of a rip-off, I gotta tell you...I truly appreciate all the responses, even if I am a flaming bag of hot mess. lol
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