How are you feeling right now #3

I feel pleased with myself and content,only I won £20 on a £2 scratchcard,so am well chuffed.I treated myself to a coffee and bought some rose organic soap for my mum for xmas.I am doing what I vowed to do and trying to think positively,so far so good I feel good.

I want to slap someone really badly for being extremely rude to me.

Hopeful because I don’t feel depressed today over my daughter going back to college after fall break.

Idk why but I feel " lighter" after acupuncture . Clearer in a way too...
Hopefully this lady will be ok with me.. (and my insurance pulls through)

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

I think I went through 3 or 4 stages of grief several different times in less then an hour. I feel absolutely awful.

Too much going on, I had probably what's called a mini episode .. I left work telling them I was going to get food.. idk if I want to go back.
I told my ex/friend that I suspected I was going through a cycle ... he's being a **** today-- I feel friends like that I dont need enemies

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

Emotionally I am stirred up,the experience of doing yoga for the first time today has made me all mixed up emotionally,my body connected with my emotions and learning to breathe into the body movements facilitated this.

I am emotional and tired right now,I feel sad and I want to cry.

Something that affected me emotionally today is a memory that came back.

This may sound stupid but when I first bought my home 22 years ago,my cousin who is a carpet fitter came to show me carpet samples so I could choose a carpet.

He showed me a lovely purple shade and said this is the one for you,but in order to be individualistic and to rebel I said no I don't want that colour and I chose a plain natural shade of very light brown,the instant I did that I knew I'd done wrong choice wise,but to save face I couldn't change my mind back again.

When I got to the centre where the yoga was the doors were pine and the carpet was this wonderful shade of purple,same as my cousin chose for me back then,it was so beautiful with the sunlight shining in the room through the windows and the colour of the carpet.

It hurt so much that I hadn't listened to my cousin's advice and I regret it so much the colour that I chose.

I felt,and this is the stupid bit,I felt that if I had chosen the purple carpet that I wouldn't have gone through the bad times and the abuse that I have gone through.

The purple coloured carpet in the yoga room made me feel like I had arrived home.

I vowed when I saw it to replace my old brown carpet at home with purple as soon as I can afford it.

I am still feeling the old emotions and the regret and the rejection that I am sure my cousin felt when I wouldn't accept the colour carpet that he chose for me.

I really liked that colour it was like home to me and not having it felt like I had rejected myself,my true identity in favour of a neutral mask.I feel pain in my heart thinking about it.

I so wish I could go back 22 years and make the decision again,this time choosing the purple which is my colour and my true spirituality.I wonder would my life had been different if that had been the colour carpet that I chose,or is that a stupid thought?

I’m getting another cramp in my leg.

I feel very discouraged today

I've felt better today. *I asked if someone wanted something for lunch and we went out* I think that's important for me to do from time to time.

A person at work that's been -- I hate to say, but triggering to me lately-- has been getting on other people's nerves too.

I'm upset too that this person triggers me, because I feel for them... but yet- I'm not too upset , that basically the other day I was saying enough was enough.

I feel validated because it's not "just me" being bothered by this person..but also feel upset with myself for getting upset like I did (I kept clapping my hands loudly because I was so frustrated ((*I dont recall I've done that before)) and was trying so hard to stay calm with talking,... because once I lose talking coherently it has gotten too far and I can't think straight and last T mentioned that I'm disassociating when I'm at that point).

I know everyone says I didn't do anything outrageous (little do they know I was screaming in my car and crying hysterically when I left)...
my mind and head, I try so hard not to break down at work- and i hate that i had to leave .. which not everyone gets it...

I'm glad that I've found something that helps me, but annoyed that I forget to pick it up when I feel ok ((I forget because I feel ok, then a day happens and I'm scrabbling to obtain it)).. basically I forgot to purchase my med basically... I'm really trying to be better this year, and reminding no beating myself up on what has Helped me get by all these years,
I'm grateful my last t helped me understand that. ((It's cannabis and especially CBD that helps me in these funks)).. I do smoke some days, not lately though because I've been off..
my dad's past words that I'm nothing but a functional junkie-- I wish would stay away.. perhaps I am to some, but there's worse things than this & that's their opinion.

I talked with my ex/friend, he agreed that he was being an ***hole & apologized. he tried to explain that he wasn't trying to tell me i should had known, he was was trying to just state "his fact" ((which comes off to me as i should had known-- context maybe needed for another to understand but anyways)) but it'sok,in the end .
We all have our own struggles... getting through them one day at a Time

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

Nervous to go to the doctor this morning

unwell.... my nerves are unsettling my stomach

Cold. I have my fuzzy bathrobe on, my fleece blanket, and i’m eating a bowl of soup trying to stay warm.

Disappointed

I have totally completed project Decade of paper shred .. I think at least, this apts small and in dont see any more totes of paper
there was so much but I did it over time, and it's done !
I feel Accomplished in a way, and proud that I actually stuck it through and didn't take a year to do.
I feel positive with trying to minimize current paper trash that still comes (I also took steps to go paperless of course with what I can).

And I feel pain still with my ear and new glasses.. I went in for an adjustment but Idk i think i waited too long. I'll have to look into soothing this

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

a little nautious

I am sleepy and I am still lonely and alone.

I am ok, pondering on the pros and cons of living alone and living with someone.
For instants I just ordered food by myself and I had a thought came if my ex was with me I'd wonder if I was "enough " with his subtle flirting with others & the baggageof "whys" with me.. by myself I feel like I am enough for the most part.
There's some days I am om with being alone all the time; and other days I wonder what's wrong with me to not have friendship and relationships..
Meh, today it's been more of enjoying being alone... but it can still get lonely; but I've struggled with that when people are around me

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

The black icee I drank yesterday is causing stomach issues. I was already having stomach issues already and I had taken something earlier. Now I am having stomach issues as a result of the medication and side effects from the black icee. Which I guess is happening to most people who drink it. But they are still selling it so it must be ok. But anyways it looks like I’m dying and my insides are falling out but I’m sure it’s just side effects from medications and food and nothing to worry about.

I am optimistic and looking forward to the next ten days,I have a therapy session on Monday,yoga on Tuesday,getting my hair coloured on Wednesday,dentist and theatre trip on Thursday and visiting my mum on Saturday.Then on the following Wednesday my niece and I are having a meal together and we are watching the film Bohemian rhapsody at the cinema.It should all be lots of fun!