[saidso]

Coming from a background of poverty, most of my adult life has been about financial and material survival. Coming from a childhood of abuse where murder wasn't far off, most of my life has been about the basic battle to stay alive.

And yet, my life also became idea-logical because of my battle to verbally break through the tangle of emotions and thoughts that had been handed down to me.

Reading several posts on PC recently, I've had a lightbulb moment about how much emotions and ideas compete with basic respect for human life. Emotions and ideas are so highly reactive. I bounce-you bounce &etc. They are so powerful as to distract me from growing, buying, preparing healty food for example.

It's sort-of a revelation to me how powerful emotions and ideas are in relationships/ or non-relationships between people. They influence basic stuff like if I sleep, eat or pay attention.

Also, there is this messy area still happening in my head about how human societies are planned based on the emotions and ideas of dominant groups. The plans appear to be the result of collective effort (research and logic), but the outcomes are eventually determined by distorted emotions and ideas.

Whoah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For example - @sarahsweets, I was watching your recent thread about being perceived as "awful" with much affection for you but I didn't respond since my affection actually has nothing to do with the sensitive growth you were creating. I realised that I have a gut reaction to people who might or might not be helpful in an emergency. My life has always (ouf, seemingly) been organised around emergencies, even though my moment to moment reality is mostly a peaceful one. So even affection for someone can be (very) complicated by unconscious programming.

I don't know where this is going. Sometimes my brain needs to break down very complex concepts like "psychology" (blah!!!) through immediate experience and understanding.

I s'pose that in posting this I just wanted to celebrate some awareness that I get by reading here - just a tiny fraction of the awareness possible, but all the same a glimmer of something that could be applied to my understanding of my everyday reality. A gentle stepping back into joy and appreciation of how complex we are, even when the relational impact of what I believe and feel may be disastrous.

Yes, I'm crazy. I always have to build every basic concept in my brain lego brick by lego brick. The "ologies" never did it for me because they seem to increase my dissociative tendencies.

Saidso

[healingme4me]