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sarahsweets
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Default May 05, 2019 at 05:11 AM
  #1
My oldest is 23 and survived a stroke in November and made a 99% recovery. My middle daughter is 19 now, ran away when she was 18 and became and addict and has lived in like 4 sober houses and has a steady job but still all the drama that goes along with NA. My youngest is 15 and we are planning a sweet 16 for August which is already stressing me out. I have great kids despite their troubles and I have stayed at home with them for 15 years and currently getting back to work in September. But it still makes me sad. I was married at 20 and my son is 23 and still doesnt know what he wants to do- has a 4.0 though. My middle daughter is hanging onto her sobriety and my youngest just got a boyfriend. I feel purposeless. I had a job getting everyone out of the house including the husband but that has dwindled. Most days I am fine but some days that bittersweet crying takes over. Its not empty nest yet- I am only 44 but I feel like I could have done more for them. My husband and I are totally in love and modeled a healthy marriage (which is why I do not get the middle daughters' bad taste in men) and they always tell us that they have so many friends whose parents hate each other or are divorced. I know that spending the rest of my life with my husband will be wonderful but... I guess I cant explain how I feel. My husband had a vasectomy and I am in perimenopause and I feel like my physical purpose is fading away. I am not sure how to overcome the sad days... guess I had to vent...

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divine1966
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Default May 05, 2019 at 07:35 AM
  #2
Vent away!

I have one daughter (life just dudnt work out to have more and I accepted that) and I had her young and she moved out to go to college (very far) and never came back (I mean she comes to visit of course and stuff but not to live), so I complete empty nester at age 40. My husband also has two grown kids who were also out of the house early.

The thing is that we enjoy not having kids at home. Yes I would love to have kids living closer by but it is what it is. But I have no interest in having kids at home.

I don’t really think about purpose in life. Is there really such thing? I just enjoy what’s there. We do all kind of things that don’t involve kids. You can do all kind of things, with your husband and without. I do something every weekend that is some type of event of sorts. My husband works every other weekend. He works this one. I am going to Film festival with a friend and then out to eat. I also visit my dad on the way to a festival. You can travel. Go places. Plan things. If I had a little one, it would be more complicated! Having no kids around gives you ton of freedom. No babysitters needed etc I honestly enjoy my freedom

You can also plan things that do involve your grown kids. Our whole month of July is pretty much taken first by my daughter visiting here flying in with her boyfriend and then we are flying to see my stepdaughter. So you can still plan events and holidays with grown kids

And then one day maybe grandkids will start. That would get you busy!

Just to put things in a perspective two of my best friends have no children and have never been married. Doesn’t mean it’s the end of life for them. There are other things out there. You just have to adapt and adjust your life style

Saying all that, I think you’ll feel much better working even if part time or occasional. I know other stay at home moms (including my sister in law-brothers wife) and they typically have harder time with empty nest syndrome because they feel their purpose of life is gone. That’s why I think going back to work might be a very good change of gear for you.

Hugs and glad to hear your son is doing well and daughter is recovering. That’s all excellent news
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Default May 05, 2019 at 08:39 AM
  #3
Puposeless? NO! You can look back and point to these beautiful children and say you did a mighty fine job raising them. Way to go! Good job!

What can you do now? You can still be present for them. They will always need their mom whether that be a phone call about a recipe or other 'how-to' or a shoulder to cry on.

I recommend a few other distractions in addition to that job. Take advantage of the near empty nest to discover yourself. After all, you married at 20 so you missed out on doing this earlier in your life. Find some interests to follow. Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself permission to use the freedom. Your children will appreciate this. They will be saying, "Look at my mom!" so very proudly.

When my children (now 32 and 27) left home I found myself feeling pretty aimless. I made a concerted effort to do some new things. I attended an introduction to kayaking demo day. Before you knew it, I discovered I had a giant passion for the outdoors - which has carried me through to today near ten years later. I identify myself as a whole new person. My children are proud of it. Your children will be proud of you whatever path you choose to take.

Your children are still very young. Try not to worry and concern yourself with their futures quite yet. My eldest, my daughter, went back to University at age 31 having finally realised her own path and desired career in life. It took a little to get there but I am so proud and she is such an inspiration to me. And, I will always be mom to her.
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healingme4me
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Default May 05, 2019 at 10:11 AM
  #4
I agree about finding your areas of interest and exploring things that interest you. There's still a couple of decades until retirement. I think the idea of the kids leaving the nest is a bittersweet one because it's the closing of the chapter of a book.
Try to sort through this concept of purpose. I hear that tossed about all to often, not just you, and I get it, it's almost like a metaphor though as though if one doesn't go big and strong there's no point and that's just not true. It's the smaller moments of affecting lives of others that add up in the end. Point of reference is that I hear the purpose driven life rhetoric more from my born again buddies than any other fragment of my irl circle.
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