How are you feeling right now #6?

Tonight I'm feeling much better than earlier though over £2,000 lighter in pocket thanks to buying a pair of good laptops and upgrading a nice desktop sound system.

I feel low and disappointed,I bought scratchcards when I was out earlier but I didn't win anything.
I am feeling stretch financially,I could do with a win.
I am also depressed today and fed up being alone every day,I want friends and a partner but both are
such hard work and never work out for me!

Stressed stressed stressed!

Got an email from my mom yesterday. She wants to plan to get together later in the fall. This was supposed to be a one-time thing a few years ago, but she grabbed it and wants to do it every year, forever, now. Which is almost OK... if she actually would *ask* but she just assumes that we're all on-board. Last year, we met up and literally within 5 minutes of me getting to the hotel she started asking "what do you want to do next year?"

It's. Too. Much. OMG. Too. Much.

She's also saying that she wants to extend it a couple days, so that we have more time together. But, travel is stressful for me. I don't sleep well in hotels. I don't enjoy being away from home. I don't enjoy spending time with her, and after the first afternoon, she spends a huge amount of time on her phone talking to other people anyway!!!

Anyway, I've already told her that I can't plan anything yet. I've got other things going on. I'm trying to replace my car which is a huge stressor for me. I need to find a new job. I need to figure out if I want to change careers. I've been at my job for ~15 years and it's killing me, adding to my depression, making me feel invisible and worthless. I may be moving to a different state (I think it might be good for me, I'm tired of where I'm at, but not sure and would need to find a job first... and it would be a BIG move, and I'd be alone with it!) Oh, and I'm also trying to plan my own trip out of state to work with my neurofeedback guy for a month or so.

On top of all that, I once again realized... I kind of don't actually like my mother. I feel *horrible* and guilty about that, but I don't enjoy spending time with her. I shut down around her and feel "less me"... I feel like a robot. And, I realize I have had to do that to keep myself safe (she can be critical and judgmental).

Anyway, blah blah blah long story. It's just really hard.

And as if that weren't enough... um... my birthday is tomorrow! And I'm a little upset that she's stirring up all this stress right before my birthday.

I just... ugh. Wish things were better. Kind of hating my life. I really need to figure out the car thing, b/c I'm just churning on it, and the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I can move on to other important life things.

And I need to figure out how to respond to my mother's email. At this point, I want to just say, "As I already said, I don't have the bandwidth to think or plan this right now. If you guys want to plan something, please go ahead. I'll make it, if I can, but I'm not able to make a firm commitment at this point."

*Feeling crazy!*

I'm feeling wonderful, which I give credit to my amazing psychologist who's saved my life many times already!

Depressed AF. Son is ghosting our kind, loving texts. So now we’ll just leave him alone and accept we are estranged. That’s what he and his wife desired anyway. You cant make someone love you, not even your own son who you thought did. Can’t pull myself out. Just gonna wallow in it. A customer wants me to try to make business happen with them. I’ll force myself through the motions. Learning to quietly isolate while still doing what I need to. Grieving.

My anxiety absolutely sucks right now. It’s like the Xanax I took an hour ago was a frigging excedrin and filled with caffeine or something. It’s doing the complete opposite. I guess I’ll try my visteral next.

I'm sorry, @TishaBuv! Good luck with everything!!

Up and down these days but by the large I am doing and feeling ok.

I feel good this afternoon

I feel lousy,really depressed,tired,sleepy and lethargic.......I hate being stuck at home indoors but I have little choice because I don't have any spare
money to go out with......I could try walk and use my free bus pass but I am not sure I can make it all the way to the bus stop without being in pain.I might have to try though
or else be stuck at home feeling really miserable.Today I was having some negative emotions I wanted to escape from and I escaped by napping a lot and making myself fall asleep.That's not the best way to deal with negativity is it,I need therapy.Unfortunately my turn on the waiting list to see a psychologist doesn't come up until June this year.I was in crisis when I applied and they approved me but said the waiting list is a year long.

After last post above I spent an hour and a half cleaning the kitchen,mopping the floor,washing dirty dishes and dirty recycling tins and mopping the floor
and I sat the recycling bag full up outside and the black bin sack too,tomorrow I will put them on the boundary for the bin men to collect on Tuesday.
You know what,I felt really lifted and cleansed having done all that and I can rest now.Tomorrow I can get the rest of the chores done.They say that cleanliness is next to
Godliness,I do feel loved and uplifted for having made the effort and getting the kitchen clean tonight instead of leaving it a mess till tomorrow.
I am a bit sad and lonely but not as bad as 7 years ago when being alone equaled not feeling safe and security was on my mind that I couldn't look after myself and stay safe.
I got seriously distressed with abandonment feelings like when I had to walk to school and home alone aged 5 and always was alone home from school and fending for myself,home alone and making instant mash out of a packet and opening a tin of baked beans for tea,aged 10.Those feelings from childhood still surface and I am 56 years old in March this year,I don't feel that old,my inner self still feels 24 years old,weird that,but obviously I am more mature and cultured now than when I was aged 24.

Aaw, big hugs to you @marilyn. You're such a battler and you go through so much, like a lot of us on here. I'd just like you to know I'm always wishing you well, good person.

I'm feeling.....bad***

I got to work this morning and was met at the door by the manager. He said “ so, we don’t actually need you today. The other manager tried calling you.” Um. Ok. I went to check my schedule because I wasn’t sure if I was working tomorrow. I am not but I offered to come in. He said that would be great. My mom had just left the parking lot when I called her to turn around. Frankly I am glad they told me to come in tomorrow instead.I have a therapy appointment and doctors appointment today I’m pretty nervous about.

Anxious this morning

Feeling a little sad right now.

Feeling anxious. I see my psychiatrist soon. Hopefully she'll increase my med dosage without having to have a CT head scan as requested by the neurologist.

I feel good this afternoon

I feel anxious and quite low,the day today has dragged,I have not felt like doing anything but I have also been bored.
I get so low because of being lonely and alone most of the time.I can't focus on anything else cos nothing consoles me.I just know I will be alone for the rest
of my life,I must be unlovable.

Sad that Philly local Kobe Bryant, his daughter and 7 others passed from a helicopter crash. He was a hero to my hometown. Great basektball player, one of the best.