MOVING ACROSS COUNTRY! Am I crazy?

I agree with divine. Your son's gf probably really doesn't have much of a feeling one way or the other...most likely, she has anxiety about being judged by you (I think any partner has that concern about their partner's parent). That's most likely about as far as it goes.

I'm coming onto this thread late and just want to say good for you! It takes a lot of courage to move across the country at an older age! Best wishes in finding a comfortable and affordable place and with all the moving details. Moving can be overwhelming, so just take one step at a time.

This was supposed to be answer to Divine. What happened I don't know...

For Divine:

Thanks. Life is very complicated. His girlfriend's parents live a few hours away. Her mother had heart surgery right before Covid hit...and in the middle of this pandemic her father has been treated for cancer with chemo, surgery, and reconstructive surgery. I think today I will send her a note. As an only child I am sure it is very difficult to not see her parents but she has been staying away because of Covid. We have been getting to know one another tentatively with notes, gifts, and cards. Perhaps we are both being cautious which is a good thing.

I am not moving into the city where they are...but somewhere outside the city probably an hour or more away. This way they can visit or I can visit...but we won't be in each other's business.


My son and his other girlfriends have lived in the same town without any negativity. In one case one of his girlfriends and I got along very well and I would have loved to have had her for a daughter-in-law.

I am going to let worry about this go. Thanks, Divine, this is really something I can let go worrying about for now.

Thanks. Replied to you separately in another post here. Sorry, am in a bit of a hurry today.

Thank you, thank you. Perhaps that goes both ways. I only met her once. I thanked her for being so supportive and loving with my son as he can get ornery. She said, "I love everything about him," and I said, "Good for you, I can't say that and I am his mother!" and she laughed and later told my son. Truly he does require a lot of patience so this is one thing I can say about her...she has a lot of patience. When I visited them (only one time) -- every evening before she would go off to work (she was working late shift) she would say goodbye to the dogs, hug and kiss my son, then come over and sit beside me and hug me and kiss me on the cheek. I thought that was very cute and affectionate and lovely.


I hate having anxiety. It makes problems where there are no problems.

Thank you. It is insanely difficult because of Covid19...and lack of money. It is truly one of those insane goals...not the first in my life. And I don't yet know the outcome. Everything is uncertain.

I have been following all your threads and I know you are also in a place of not knowing what is going to happen in an uncertain future

But we still have to proceed...make decisions...knowing that perhaps we might have to switch gears.

It takes a lot of courage and resilience...and since I battle anxiety...it takes a lot to keep going.

Thanks for supporting me and please know that even though I may not be posting on your threads I am following them all and keeping you in my thoughts, HH.

All kinds of things happen when older people move. I know of some older adults who have been away from their home territory and then move back ...but then it doesn't work. Probably because their expectations have been too high. I have a lot of family in this area but probably won't contact any of them right off. I am doing the move for me...because I want to be closer to my son and because I want a change.

I moved away from my home territory over 30 years ago. Last night when I started to do research on housing...I was surprised because so many memories flooded back. I think I become attached to places and I always create a lot of memories. Just seeing the old landscape, the sky in pictures, it is very different from where I am now. But very very familiar.

I also have to say that because I suffer from anxiety it always makes things harder. I have moved a lot...have lived all over the U.S. and abroad. Frankly I don't know how I have managed it.

I am a list maker and very organized when I move. I don't just wing it.

Covid 19 is making everything much more difficult. I have decided not to drive the 2,000 miles...but to ship my truck and stuff and fly -- as the cost of a one-way flight is so cheap it is hard to believe. Flying is a "high risk" situation and I am high risk. But I am thinking...get to the airport...don't stop for anything...proceed to flight...get in my seat and stay there...get off and exit airport as quickly as possible. Maybe even "double mask" - or wear one of those shield thingies over a mask.

Thank you for this, and thanks for your support on my end. Hugs.

Sometimes in life we have to make a leap of faith... especially when things are all uncertain. We take that leap because it’s something we want in life. You want to move across country. I have faith that it will all fall into place for you somehow. I’m not sure why, but I do. I think when we have a desire, a strong desire, and start taking steps towards it, that it all comes to fruition. Maybe I believe in energetic movement within the universe to make dreams and desires come true.

And yes, everything’s uncertain for me too. I’m taking a leap of faith.

Hugs. . .

Your sons girlfriend sounds lovely. And I laughed that you appreciate her because she can handle your son haha haha I laugh because that’s how I feel about my late son in law and my daughter’s fiancée, my future son in law. They put up with my daughter. Hahah that thing alone makes me grateful for their existence haha

I think being in the same general area with your son will be just fine!

Oh yeah those shields got extra protection are a great idea

Thanks! I felt a little guilty talking about my son's ornery side...but it's really true. I think she just ignores him when he's moody. She has a ton of interests, hobbies, work projects etc. She's very active on social media. She gives him lots of space. I am going to keep all of this in mind. He is NOT an easy person to live with...and I think she's found the perfect way.


You're right...this person is precious because without her he would probably be alone and single...and that is his worst possible state.


I don't want to judge or be judged and I am going to make that my motto.

DechanDawa - I'm chiming in late too, but wanted to say, I totally see your logic and agree with you. It sounds like the move would be really good for you, but is definitely a big undertaking. Totally understand why it would be scary (I'd be scared too!) - plus big changes are always a little scary.

Maybe try to remember that the reason it's scary is that it's a big change, and has the potential to have a big reward. If you think about not moving - that is kind of scary too, right? So either way is going to require you to move through fear (ugh, I know!) - but being near your son, and in a better area, sounds like it has a much higher chance of helping you be happy and healthy in the future.

Good luck!

Thanks Guilloche...all good points. I appreciate the input.

Thanks everyone. I think I might take some time away from Psych Central. I am kind of overwhelmed with all the decisions I have to make...whether I stay or go.


Everything is compounded by Covid 19, of course.

I spoke with my son today and he said maybe he and his girlfriend will be moving. If they move out of the city a few hours away...then why am I contemplating moving 2,000 miles to be near this city? It is that age old dilemma I said I would never be caught in...moving to be near adult children. I never ever thought that was a good idea...but with Covid19 I suddenly felt I HAD to move and be near my son and his girlfriend. Today I found out the two jobs she was doing when Covid19 hit have shut down permanently...and her newer job is now also endangered because the business may close. She is obviously worried. I am sure my son is worried about his business which he only started doing full-time in 2019.


Perhaps Covid19 is causing people to rethink their lives. Now my son is thinking his business would do better in another location. He named one area that is hours away from where he now lives.


I have to rethink everything. Who am I moving for? And for what? I see now moving to be near my son could end up being a disaster if he decides to move away. I am not the kind of parent that wants to keep following my adult child all around. I was married to a "corporate warrior" and criss-crossed the country following him. I am too old for that.


I found a darling little village outside my son's city...along a river...very quaint and colonial...with spacious apartments at lower rents. I could see myself there...maybe. But if suddenly my son and his girlfriend moved a few hours away would I be happy in this little village all alone? I don't know. My son has been part of the whole moving equation. I also had a falling out with my oldest friend who lives in that area. She has made it impossible to reconcile. It is so sad. She would have loved this little village, too. But that's water under the bridge now. She's dead to me.


I will accrue debt in a big move and won't be able to afford to move again anytime soon.

However, if I stay where I am I STILL have to move because I can no longer afford my rent. Someone from a non-profit housing agency is supposed to call me this week. They said they could possibly get me into a very tiny studio. Sigh. I already live in a small studio and it is crammed. That is the whole problem with where I am living now. In the area where I now live I can only afford a 400 square foot studio...in that little village 2,000 miles away... for the same price...I saw a sweet apartment in a nicely kept fourplex building near the waterfront park...and it was 1,000 square feet with a fireplace, wide porch, and shared yard!

As someone who already suffers from anxiety...I already feel quite burdened...and now more and more stuff is piling on and I can feel my anxiety rising. After a certain point the anxiety turns into suicidal ideation and then I have to start calling the crisis hotline counselors to help me cool down. I hate when it gets to that point and am trying to avoid letting my anxiety get that bad. And still my doctor advises me to handle things holistically! Perhaps these primary care doctors simply don't understand how bad anxiety can get.

I wish I had found a decent therapist. Recently I tried again and left messages with a few and they didn't get back to me. I am certain that therapists and counselors are swamped at this time.

So if I am not back for awhile it is because I am busy trying to figure out my life and the next steps. I will have to move somewhere. It could be...five miles from here...or 2,000 miles from her. Big difference. Big decisions.

My son and his girlfriend are destabilized at the moment. What a difficult time for so many people!

I have to stay grounded so when I talk with my son I am not an added burden. You know, I need to keep my Mom hat on!

I will be back on Psych Central at some future time. Taking a break (unless I have a meltdown then maybe will be back sooner!) AND THANK YOU ALL AND STAY SAFE AND SNUG, PEEPS!

Best wishes to you!! Take care.

Best wishes. Hope everything works out. I understand dilemma about moving close to the kids or not as there is no way to know if kids stay put. I get it. Hugs

It was a silly idea. I can't live and move on a credit card. I wasn't thinking straight. I miss my son and his girlfriend and wanted to live near them. With surges in Covid it is not feasible. It was a stupid idea. I have cried several times about having to freeze this plan for now.

I have to be out of my apt in two months (approx) and have not found affordable housing in the area.

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It was really the idea of moving in a pandemic that stopped me. I mean I haven't left my apartment in 16 weeks except to go to the grocery store. The idea of all the contact with people entailed in the move...caused me to pause in alarm. I mean...if everyone along the way was wearing masks...but I know that isn't reality.

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What would be the point of moving if I caught Covid along the way.

It does cost quite a bit to move across country. If that were charged on a credit card, it may be very difficult to lower and get rid of all that debt.

I wanted to encourage you to move because you wanted it to move so badly, so I wanted to give you some positive feedback around it. But I agree that charging it on a credit card is not the wisest plan, and neither is moving during a pandemic, as you pointed out.

Also, now that your son may move himself, there's almost no point in trying to move to be closer to him.

Perhaps it's best to now troubleshoot where you are going to live in your current area, and resolve the isolation/loneliness factor.

Thanks. I have been crying all day. I didn't care about the debt I just wanted to be somewhere else and near my son. He isn't thinking of moving that far from his present location...and probably not for a year or two - but who knows? My three credit cards are thanking me for letting them remain with a zero balance - where they have been for four happy years. Maybe not for long...but for now they feel light-hearted.

I talked to dozens of people today and cried a lot on the phone, too. The so-called housing assistance programs suck and I even got the clerks to admit it. Lotteries for affordable housing! That is downright cruel.

But finally I did get a person with the emergency family assistance program (EFA) who said they could provide some funds to help me with the move itself...and maybe help me with my final month's rent here where I am now. I cried with gratitude.

My favorite brother just sent me the most loving sweet text on my phone. A bright spot of light.

On a whim I entered one of my photos in an online photo contest. I got a lot of yes votes for my photo which made me feel good. (My undergrad degree was in photojournalism.) I won't win but the positive feedback was lovely. Another bright spot.

Thank you HH...I posted a long comment on your thread this morning but then deleted it. I didn't feel it properly communicated...anything of real importance. You will find your way. You are very strong.

Thank you.

It's great you were able to experience a few shining, bright moments - how wonderful!!!

And thank you. I do feel very strong right now.

We’re all rooting for you, DD!