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Paracelsus
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Default Jun 03, 2019 at 10:01 AM
  #1
I will probably be in bed most the day, but that's nothing new. I will probably wake up 3-4 times a day tossing and turning and average 6 hours of sleep. I will probably feel muscle pain, dizziness, restlessness, fatigued, scatter brained. I may get anxious, i might even notice my heart rate beating faster. i may experience bursts of energy and crashes. i will probably gain 10 pounds of weight.

safety plan:
all i have here is the phrase 'do not stop taking the SSRI medication' and a phone number to a local crisis center. my plan to taper off my meds goes against my current safety plan. so, i will need to revise my safety plan and omit 'do not stop taking the SSRI medication' and replace it with 'leave a voicemail to notify provider that I am discontinuing a medication and maintain weekly counseling visits"

a.
Currently I am on:
escitalopram 10 mg 2x daily
guanfacine 1 mg 3x daily
dextroamphetamine 5 mg 2x daily PRN
guanfacine 1mg 1x daily PRN
clonazepam 1 mg 2x daily PRN
temazapam 15 mg 1x daily PRN

b.
after a year in college the dextroamphetamine has stopped working at 5 mg twice a day. i can't even tell the clonazepam is in my system. temazepam doesn't really help with sleep and I don't need it right now because I don't have to maintain a sleep schedule. the escitalopram makes me feel worse.

I.

side effects
escitalopram - lack of interest or loss of interest in sex, fatigue, depression

guanfacine - fatigue

dextroamphetamine - reduced or loss of appetite

clonazepam - forgetfulness, anxiety

temazepam - decreased mental alertness and next day drowsiness
II.
positive effects
escitalopram - diminished or eliminated unwanted depressive thoughts, improved predisposition managing anxiety

guanfacine - reduces physical symptoms of anxiety

dextroamphetamine - mood lifting, energizing, improved executive functioning, organizational skills and planning

clonazepam - anxiety reduction

temazepam - sleepiness

III.

1. I can't enjoy anything on SSRIs. Music sounds dull, movies are boring. coffee does not eliminate the fatigue. I want to be able to enjoy sex and music and feel more normal even if that means potentially worsening depression.

2. i may be able to rebuild my tolerance to dextroamphetamine if I give myself a two month break off of it.

3. the benzodiazapines were only initiated to address the side effects of the SSRI.

4. sleep aids don't treat insomnia well

c.
i'm really tired of feeling like a dead man walking, an empty shell of a person. i get the sense that I have already lived out my life at the age of 27. there is no aspect about being human that is enjoyable. i have one forty five minute talk therapy appointment a week and am getting nowhere. If i do want to succeed at changing my environment which ultimately has a role in my mental health. if i utilize psychiatric drugs to make it through college 5 more years, I have a life or at least the best chances of one. I don't want to live the remainder of my existence on social security. the antidepressant makes me numb to the idea of suicide, but it also makes me numb to the world. the amphetamine teaches me that i have some learning disabilities. the benzo has taught me that I don't need the benzo. the guanfacine helps calm my body down.

final thoughts
i've been taking 5 mg lexapro 2x daily. 0.25 mg AM than 0.5 mg klonopin PM daily. 3-4 mg guanfacine daily. 15-20 mg dexedrine daily. 15 mg temazepam daily.
the lexapro, dexedrine and kloopin have got to go. It would be nice to re visit the dexedrine this fall during organic chemistry and quantitative analysis. as far as withdrawal symptoms go, the SSRI causes an electric shock and dizzy feeling when tapering too quickly. the dextroamphetamine causes fatigue and restlessness and worse attention and focus. the klonopin makes me feel like i'm dying or that something else more serious is physically wrong.

i'm the dumbest smart person or smartest dumb person in class. I got an A in both semesters for college general chemistry on this cocktail of drugs. i think this cocktail was only meant to last for one year if that. taking these compounds has just caused my body to adapt and depend on them to function. I'm no longer going to function real well when I get off these meds, but I am confident this is only temporary. My body will re adjust and in about a month I hope to see signs of recovery and in two months I hope to see a decent level of functioning past activities of daily living.

right now, i'm a miserable mess. i live with an abusive x and am secretly moving out in 30 days. i have nowhere else left to turn in my life, but my family. i will stay there for a couple months and stay involved in church. graduate spring 2020 and transfer to university that year. life is going good for me. i shouldn't give up because even though I do not fully see it, there is something tangibly real and valuable to life. pain now, cheer tomorrow.

i guess i'll provide updates as i progress this month. anything to help is kindly appreciated.

Last edited by Paracelsus; Jun 03, 2019 at 10:23 AM..
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WastingAsparagus
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 10:53 AM
  #2
I am going through similar stuff. I feel like medication has caused me to feel less normal. Honestly, medication numbs feelings, but it doesn't get rid of them. That has been my experience. And I went on a rant yesterday on another forum I'm on and got a warning. So that's not good. Anyway, that rant I went on was not caused by the medication, but I think it was caused by the frustration I feel in having been on medications for so long and in having become so SO dependent on the meds. This is not the first time I've gone on rants on people.

I feel like these rants I go on are symptomatic of something deeper that is wrong.

And for that reason I am discontinuing my medication.

The other thing is that people may warn you about going off of psych drugs.

For me, I don't know who to trust. So I trust myself. Anyway, hopefully that is remotely related to what you said. If not, well, then you just read a little bit about my story.
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sarahsweets
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 02:20 PM
  #3
I have no problem being dependent on medication or admitting that I am. Just as someone with vision issues needs glasses, or someone with diabetes needs insulin- my BPII and other stuff is devastating enough that I need medication. Medication saved my life.

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WastingAsparagus
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 03:41 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I have no problem being dependent on medication or admitting that I am. Just as someone with vision issues needs glasses, or someone with diabetes needs insulin- my BPII and other stuff is devastating enough that I need medication. Medication saved my life.
Yeah, I looked back upon what I posted and I don't think I agree with it anymore.

I agree with taking my meds.

That is my position. I appreciate that other people may disagree with that viewpoint, but I'm ultimately not willing to change what I do based on others' opinions. By the way I'm not accusing anyone here of saying to go off my meds.

I am dependent on medication, too, and have no problem with it, either.
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