[Rose76]

My boyfriend is terminally ill with cancer. He was awfully sick even before the diagnosis of cancer. He has gone from one awful illness to another. Over and over and over, I think I'm about to lose him . . . and then he manages to recover enough to keep on. In May doctors said he probably only had a few weeks left. He's been rushed to the emergency room and admitted 5 times just in 2018 alone.

I would like to hear how other people have dealt with caring for someone terminally ill. I've seen families struggle with long vigils waiting for the end. Even when you're heartbroken over losing someone, it becomes agony thinking the end is around the corner . . . and then it keeps going on and on. It's like seeing someone on death row keep getting a "stay of execution" at the last minute over and over. When I've brought him to the ER, the doctors there look at us like: "Oh no, not those two again."

I have been breaking down emotionally, crying, and not letting my bf see me crying. He's doing very well this week. But I tell myself that this is just a tease. I'll just start to be glad of him feeling better and then it will go the other way. It's an emotional rollacoaster. I feel shell-shocked.

I feel like the longer this goes on, the more of a basket case I will be when I finally do lose him. I wonder if anyone can understand this. I'm not looking for praise for caring for him. I'm trying to understand why I'm becoming so emotionally unstable.

[healingme4me]

I think it's the agony of knowing the inevitable, but it's prolonged over and over again. And though you don't want to see the inevitable you hope for peace. It's a stinking roller coaster ride. And it's actually traumatic and can be termed as that in a clinical sense.
My late stepdad was the person in my life. It started when I was in high school with kidney cancer(never mind the cardiac issues prior that disabled him shortly after my mom married him and moved out of state when I was around 12yrs old). Then in college it spread to his lungs and he was on oxygen. Then a couple of years after, it was penile cancer. Even the oncologist was affected by that surgery. He was quasi bedridden. Noticed in October, surgery that winter then all through that year(I had my first bout of optic neritus during this my own health was a mess) and he passed away a couple days prior to Christmas.
Long term illnesses destabilize life.

[TishaBuv]

You are on a very emotional roller coaster dealing with this for such a long time. It’s expected to be ‘cracking’.

[Rose76]

Thanks for the understanding responses.

Healingme4, your step-dad's prolonged ordeal sounds like a nightmare - worse than my and my bf's experience. Thanks for relating what you went through. It shows me things could be worse.

The apartment is a mess. I've neglected things for days. He's getting sick of being chair-bound and dependent on me for every little thing. I keep thinking lately, "How long will this go on?" Then, at the same time, I'm afraid for it to be over. I think, "What will my life be about then?" Right now I'm very important to someone. After he's gone, will I ever matter much to anyone ever again? We are into the 7th year of him being highly dependent. I guess 2011 was the last year of him generally looking after himself. 2018 will probably be the final year of his utter dependence on me. I've stuck it out this long. What's a few more months? I know I'm underestimating how bad I'll miss him when he's gone. As burdened as I feel today, the day will come when I'll wish I could relive today. I keep having crying spells. I sometimes think I'm headed for suicide when I no longer have this job to do.

If I get up and start straightening up the apt and tend to things that need my attention, I'll feel better than lying around idly, as I've done the whole morning.

[TishaBuv]

I can relate to your thoughts about not being important to anyone again. There is always something or somewhere that welcomes your help and new relationships to make. You can even volunteer after this at Hospice or a Senior Center or with young children. Many possibilities.

[healingme4me]

I didn't mean to make it sound like a "people have it worse" sharing of my own experience. Some things are apples and oranges in comparison. I recall that your bf has at many times been utterly horrendous towards you through the years.

As far as your depression goes words from a poem came to mind. One that I had shared after going to a dedication ceremony on my maternal families side, last year on this very day.

A Psalm of Life
BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.
Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,— act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

[Rose76]

Thank you, healing. I need to better nourish my soul. You've given me an idea of how to do that. My electronic "device" can open up all kinds of treasure in poem, song, etc. I could better take advantage of that. I used to love to read beautiful things. I actually have time to do that.

My bf and I have a long history together that did include a great deal of turmoil. I stayed connected to him because the good times seemed more important than the hurtful times. He is very brave in facing what he's going through - grateful for every day of life. He doesn't feel sorry for himself or get depressed. Much about him is very endearing. My attitude at times is awful. I know you weren't telling me your experience to compete in the sorrow dept. I didn't take it that way. I took it as showing what people manage to get through. It is understandable that I feel depleted at times. But I don't really believe that this is beyond what I can cope with. His family has been being very nice and keeping in touch. For all these years we were never close, but now they are trying like I've not seen them do before. I would do well to let go of some hard feelings over the past. I tend to brood. It 's best to move on and live in the present. I guess I'll have my weak moments. They don't have to dominate how I feel. They can be transient.

[CANDC]

Rose76 I am so sorry for the sadness of anticipating the loss of your bf. That must be a heavy load to bear. It is not easy to deal with people that are sick. It is heartrending to see a possible end to a relationship.

I think you have some good ideas like nourishing the soul. It is important for caregivers to do self care. It can be different for different people. I always pick some mindfulness videos to help me get away.

2:28------------F------------ISM Forest River -- Guided Meditation to Let Go

2:30------------F------------ISM Calm Ocean Waves - Guided Meditation to Cool Anger

2:44------------F------------ISM Self Acceptance - A Meditation for Confidence

2:46------------F------------ISM Guided Meditation on Being Light

2:46------------F------------ISM A Desert Oasis - Guided Meditation for a Clear Mind

2:58------------N------------Musical Powerpoint intro to mindfulness

Or do yoga or Tai Chi. Those are my times and I can get away for those times.

[Rose76]

Thanks. I will try the links above. Somehow I do get from one day to the next.

[CANDC]

you are welcome!