Can't stop thinking about my friend

We were childhood friends, and became friends since he died one week ago.

He was from abroad, we weren't as close as we were as kids, but I admired our friendship and since I became weird awkward quiet adult, he still accepted me as his friend.

A week has passed since he died at the age of 30 in a house fire and I still can't stop thinking about him.

I feel different reactions senses of calm followed by tears anger at those responsible for the fire and their carelessness.

I have thoughts of the fire even though I wasn't there, how he could be saved or was saved.

I imagine the things I wish to tell him. I imagine him still being alive.

Letting go gives me the same crippling feeling when I first found out he died.
Sadness, depression and wishing he could come back.

I find it unfair for him, he had his life ahead of him, wished we had more time...

I feel regret!

I regret I became shy and awkward through the years. I really hate myself for it, the missed opportunities.

I regret not communicating with him these past 2 years because I was stuck in my own little life crisis.

I regret I spent most of our adult friendship chatting rather than making real memories.

I regret I didn't go last year over there, see him one more time.

I don't know if he'd feel the same as me, but I feel like this about him. And often want to cry. Missing him.... the thought I will never see him again hurts so much.

I know, I am meant to man up or grow up and let go by now.....but it's so hard....

I feel sad, I feel butterflies in my chest since then, shocked, I can't stop thinking about him, his name and his face is always on my mind. And I play storylines in my brain.

I do try and get on with my life, but my mind does sometimes drift off to him.