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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2006
Location: shippensburg PA
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#1
I miss my father very much. It has been 2 years and ~2 months and the sadness and emptiness comes and goes. I have not been happy since. Nothing has been joyful. Interests I have are failing, health is failing, stress and depression increases.
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#2
There is no timeline for grief. Is there something you can do to remember him? Like make something or plant some thing. It might help you to have a focus for you grief but also celebrate the goodness in your relationship.
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ariesmars
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#3
Hello ariesmars. I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is mind-altering. Would you consider speaking with a grief counselor? Not to take away your grief but to gain some comfort and coping strategies. I've had friends who found therapy really helpful as they worked through their grief. It sounds like you could really use some help, particularly since you mention that the grief is seriously impacting your health.
I wonder if you are familiar with the concept of complicated grief? It is a name some psychologists and doctors have used when grief takes a particularly intense trajectory for some folks and doesn't seem to become more manageable over time. I have included some links if you are interested to read more. One link includes a screener though of course would not be designed as a diagnostic tool. Complicated grief - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic Overview - The Center for Complicated Grief 3 Minute Complicated Grief Disorder Test - Get Instant results! About Complicated Bereavement Disorder | Psychology Today Wishing you peace, hope, and improved health Ariesmars. Universal speed to your father. |
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ariesmars
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#4
Meditation is a research-based method for decreasing stress and depression. I think it can also help folks with their grief.
I hope these guided meditations will bring you some solace while you think of your father. Coping with Grief: Guided Spoken Meditation for healing after a loss of a loved one YouTube Guided Meditation on Grief for Loss of a Loved One YouTube 10 Minute Guided Imagery Meditation | City of Hope YouTube |
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ariesmars
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#5
Noah Elkrief presents some really interesting ideas about grief and how to feel better. Some of his videos have also really helped me with depression.
How To Deal With Grief - A Radically Different Way YouTube |
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ariesmars
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#6
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ariesmars
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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2006
Location: shippensburg PA
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#7
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Anonymous44076, CANDC, nonightowl, possum220, Travelinglady
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#8
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I was surprised when my dad died that grief did not fade away. Finally I saw that I was not going to get away from grief, but I could focus on new activities and reinvent how I see myself. It did help some but I had to change more than I thought I would. I guess I hoped for my dad to be someone other than he was and that could never be I finally realized. __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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ariesmars
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ariesmars
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#9
It's been about 2 and a half years since I lost my mom to lung cancer. I was never close to her, and the grief still continues. I've been to a couple of grief groups for that, as well as losing a friend suddenly and unexpectedly (no health problems that he knew of) just a few months before her death. The relationship was complicated. Now I found out my dad has cancer. He didn't say what kind or when he was diagnosed thought I suspect it was months before today. I say that cause of red flags in his behavior. But he didn't say what he was sick from, just sick. He's always been the kind of person who doesn't want to talk about anything uncomfortable, personal, or painful which leaves out a lot. It just leaves superficial stuff. I'm sure he doesn't have long. Never been close to him either. Both parents were emotionally distant or unavailable. I can't get much info from him nor my stupid brother who hasn't spoken to me in years. (That would be another thread which I don't have the energy or time for) Neither my dad or brother has returned my call from 2 days ago. It's like reliving what happened with my mom, when they didn't keep me informed back then too. It's awful, to be excluded when the news is bad enough. I don't have the energy to go to grief groups. I can't do another "intake" along with travel time, etc. Too exhausted. I'm going on fumes as it is, and each day is an effort. So many things keep going wrong, one thing after another. I've lost people before, so many people. I know grief has these "stages" but it's not linear. It would be "easier" if it was, but you can go back and forth between different ones sometimes within one day. I have to keep telling myself I'm okay, I'm not crazy, etc. Haven't been able to cry since I lost both my mom and friend, and I was close to the latter not to mom. I guess I'm just numb or something. I can't force the tears but I tell you they would be a real weight off me if I could cry an OCEAN. I've written down stuff to my mom, dad, and brother. They are things I couldn't say to their faces as it would be like talking to a wall. I wouldn't get through. So I did it as a weight off of me, getting out of my system. I got into a car accident a few days ago. I wasn't injured, but my car's got some damage. And I don't have the energy to deal with that now. It has to wait. I dread trying to call yet AGAIN later, but that number is the only one I have. I don't want to call my brother but it's getting close to that as it seems it's the last resort. I've got to have some info you know? It's been 2 1/2 years since I've seen my dad (since mom went). I was going to go over there but everytime I asked him, he replied he has my brother. So the message I got is that he's there so I'm not needed. Now he wants me to come but I can't get a reply back on when. I have to be sure they will be home. It's a long, stressful drive so I need to know they will be around. I swear my family dynamic is so ******, it's worse than the actual bad news itself. It's my lack of emotional connection with them. I have to talk to people who are willing to listen, anyone. I tell you not even Hollywood screenwriters can make up this crap. __________________ Call me "owl" for short! Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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ariesmars
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#10
And now they keep talking about Father's Day. "Great weather to enjoy with dad!"
And they have made it a "weekend", calling it a "holiday weekend" or "Father's Day weekend", like it's a legal holiday. They act like everyone's father is living, that they have a great relationship with him, and they have big plans for the day. The commercialization is the worse. They do that with all holidays I know, but Mother's Day and Father's Day is the worse for me now. I just got through Mother's Day last month and now here's another day to get through. I think we live in a sick culture anyway, with the things they shove down our throats. (Like the end of the year "holiday season", from Oct - Jan) __________________ Call me "owl" for short! Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2006
Location: shippensburg PA
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#11
Quote:
I also agree with holiday stuff, I'm just not into holiday's anymore. |
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CANDC, nonightowl, zapatoes
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Desert Kitty hates titles
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#12
Quote:
I don't have time to post my long rant now, but I'll come back to this thread in a few days. All this, and I'm still estranged from my brother and only "family" left. If he had just called me BACK when I left messages just over a week ago, dad was still alive then and I could have seen him at least. But my brother has been mad at me for years and he continued to hold a grudge against me even now. I'll be more active in this forum for awhile I think. I'll post later. P.S. This wasn't supposed to be black but the colors aren't working for me now. Or they removed that option, I can't tell. __________________ Call me "owl" for short! Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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#13
sorry for your loss. It must be rough to lose someone so quickly. And relatives are not always on the same page as us.
__________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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ariesmars
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Desert Kitty hates titles
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#14
So here comes the rant. This will be long. Thanks to anyone who reads even half of this, but I need to get this out. This thread is a good place to do it.
So on June 23rd, Sunday I called my brother to clarify what he said about good times to call, etc. He said he "gets that." He wanted me to wait till July. I said it might be too late then. Dad was stable at that time. I said July is far but he said not really. He was right. Monday June 24th my brother calls around 4pm to say he took a turn for the worse. (It was a message, I was outside at the time and just missed the call) He said I might want to come down that day..or the next but he doesn't know if he would still be alive. I know no one could know. I was in shock for hours, just digesting that. I was in NO shape to drive in rush hour traffic, esp. that far and in that emotional state. It would be dangerous.... And I can't see well at night. I called him back around 7:30 p.m., he said for me to call after 9am the next morning, Tues June 25th. I was wishing I had someone to drive me at the last minute but I had no one. After a quick errand (I went to Ralphs to get snacks for going down there, as I need food no matter what), I found a message from him saying dad is gone. He had already been taken to be cremated. He went on to say he will mail me info on where he's resting. He added he needs to be secluded to grieve, so he doesn't want any messages or phone calls from anyone. At least he didn't say "I don't want any messages or calls from you." I will respect that, though it's still painful that even now we're not going to be talking again. Everyone is different. I want to talk about everything, but I won't go to another grief group. I don't have it in me to go through their "intake", filling out forms, meeting with someone, driving down there, etc. I know this is "moot" now, but if he had just called me back when I left those initial messages before calling the cops, he was still alive and I could have seen him. He asked for me, unlike my mother. And I'm not sure I could even forgive him for not telling me about dad in the first place or ****ing called me back. Now I feel I have no family, even if I "technically" have a brother. And now it seems that even people who I think are friends are saying trite or inappropriate things. So at the moment I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want advice, I just wanted someone to listen and have compassion. Here are some examples: "You should go down there. Your dad has limited time as pancreatic cancer has a high fatality rate. Do not let your brother make this decision for you." Yeah, I knew he had limited time. But my brother was the caregiver, and if he said there's a routine I decided to accept that. MY decision. I didn't then nor do I now "let" anyone make decisions for me. "You didn't give specifics on your family situation so I don't know how I get constructively tell you how to deal with your brother." How more "specific" can I get other than saying we haven't spoken in years and my family was never close? Is she writing a paper for Psychology today?!!! And stuff like "If I were you, I'd _____" is a thinly disguised way of telling someone what to do. She's NOT me nor has she ever been me or will she be me in the future! "You sound stronger today." Strong?!!! Grief is not a linear process. It's not like a minor cut that gets better every day. "You're a strong and capable woman." That makes it sound like this is no big deal. "Why can't you play this game with us? It might take your mind off of it." This, after I TOLD her I don't feel like playing but I'll watch instead. And I was coming also for just the company rather than sitting in that apartment. "Do you have any hot chocolate? This is a good day for that." Yes, but I don't drink it in the summer even if it's a cloudy day. This from a friend while my stomach was in knots since at the time, I hadn't heard from my family. (Before I had to call the COPS to find out what's going on down there, as they do "wellness" checks) Why would I care about hot chocolate or have the stomach for it???? What on earth is wrong with people???? And from this same woman: "I wish you could find a job. Do you have low income units there?" I said I wish for a lot of things, and no, it's just a regular building. "I thought you'd be in a low income building. Don't you qualify? Why aren't you in one?" For crying out loud, was this supposed to "distract" or "cheer me up"? Bring up equally painful things, just in different ways? I didn't bother to explain that I'm in a "regular" building because at that time, my life was good. How was I to know I'd end up like this? Thanks a lot I thought. Bringing up my employment and housing woes while I'm already in enough pain as it is. I guess from now on, I need to say that I'm not looking for ADVICE but just a listening ear and compassion. For the love of all things holy, if I wanted advice I'd ask for it. People just love to give advice, like if I just follow these steps, everything will be just hunky dorry. This is both a banging head emoji scenario and a bawling emoji scenario. __________________ Call me "owl" for short! Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." Last edited by nonightowl; Jun 29, 2019 at 01:00 PM.. |
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Desert Kitty hates titles
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#15
I can only hope that my dad forgot that he asked me to come down, otherwise he might have died thinking I wasn't going to come or I don't care. But with all my brother's restrictions...
A couple of days I ago I got the "schedule" written down but it wasn't any different than what he told me on the phone. Ironically, it was postmarked the day dad went. In some way, I'm relieved. He was in declining health, both mentally and physically. __________________ Call me "owl" for short! Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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#16
Owl, not going to offer any advice. Offering a shoulder to lean or cry on, whichever works for you. Also have two ears for listening.
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nonightowl
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